Archive for July 2008
So far this summer…
Posted on: July 28, 2008
- In: Daily life | dear diary... | Experiences | family | lists | memories | So I read a book...
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So far this summer:
Took Natalie to Movies in the Park in Locust twice and saw the Bee Movie and Shrek 3 and bought and consumed between 3 adults and 1 two year old approximately 4 bags of popcorn, 3 bags of cotton candy, 2 snow cones, 2 bags of M&M’s, sweetarts, a nerds rope, and 15$ worth of McDonalds
Took Natalie to the Lake Tillary and spent the day at the sandbar with Dad and there is surprisingly little to say except it was really nice and Natalie had a blast
Went to Oakboro 4th of July Parade and festival and watched Natalie “drive” a blue jeep several times and saw a guy wearing white high tops, tapered leg stonewash jeans with a white wife-beater tucked in to them and a blonde mullet!
Took Natalie to the Lazy 5 Ranch and realized I am kind of scared of ostriches and let a big deer-like animal lick my hand and saw the cutest little baby pigs and poor Natalie got scared by a peacock flying over her but otherwise had a good time
Went to Book Club at Sharon’s (June: Sunday’s at Tiffany’s and Tulle Little Tulle Late) and Alicia’s(July: Friday Night Knitting Club) where the power went out for no apparent reason and we realized we have been exclusively reading the same books and meeting to discuss them (and eat, and talk) for a year now! Happy Anniversary to Book Club! Haley said we’re celebrating with Margarita’s at our next meeting 😉
Went to my cousin Lexy’s wedding and wore a dress I bought on clearance for 7$ right before I found out I was pregnant and had not yet worn and finally just decided that if it was still too tight I would just have to get over it because it’s not baby weight when your kid is two and half and only after I put it on and started moving around (to walk out the door) did I realize that I really wished I had some double sided tape because it was pretty low cut and pretty much one of the last things I want to do is flash one of my cousins or great uncles (which I managed not to do, yay me!)
Met Julie R. for coffee and realized she also LOVED the Romeo and Juliet with Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio and also LOVED the soundtrack J
Went to see The Dark Knight at 11pm on a Sunday night with Jason which made me feel like I was 16 again because it’s a pretty uncommon occurrence to be able to get someone to sit (thanks Amanda) on a 30 minute notice at 11pm on a Sunday night. I somehow only ate ½ my box of Milk Duds, which is nothing short of amazing, as the whole box is usually gone before the movie actually starts
Went to Katie’s graduation party at my cousin Stephanie’s at watched Natalie’s cousin drive her around in a Barbie jeep and it reminded me of my cousin Julie driving us around in this go kart that broke down like every other week
Ate at Troutman’s with the whole aunt/uncle/cousin crew which is a throwback to younger, pre boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/children days and rehashed the most painful and funny ways to fall off of objects (such as sleds) tied to motor powered objects (such as 4 wheelers and cars)
Went to my first keg party…which I’m sure is a little different with mainly almost 30’s instead of barely 20’s but still had a lot of fun and found the dumbest things hilarious, as alcohol manages to help you do and also managed not to die of boredom while talking about houses and other stuff that may or may not interest me at a party
Went to best-friend-since-kindergarten Carol’s house and sitting with her on her porch swing watching Natalie run around her yard it somehow felt like we were still kids, maybe 8 or 10. And the most bizarre thing, we have the same comforter set. I just started laughing when I saw it in her bedroom, sometimes it’s like those twins that have been separated at birth but still like the same music and food and clothes. We picked the same weekends for our weddings and colors for bridesmaids dresses. So I guess it’s not really that bizarre that we have the same comforter set.
Went to Alicia’s and watched…hold on…foggy memory here…watched a UFC fight? Or watched people play horseshoes and Wii? All of it? Drank too much I do believe of whatever it was that Alicia mixed for me…so I don’t remember much, but it was fun, always is!
part two up next…
If Natalie had an iPod
Posted on: July 27, 2008
If Natalie had an iPod, her playlist would look something like this:
*’s indicate she knows the whole song by heart
Disclaimer: I am not the only person she listens to music with, so this does not necessarily directly or accurately portray my personal tastes, although it is varied in genre, which is actually very similar to me…hmm
Our Song*
Picture to Burn*
Should’ve Said No -Taylor Swift
One Fine Wire* (which she calls the “walking song”)
Bubbly*
Realize
Feelings Show – Colbie Calliat
Won’t Back Down
Free Fallin –Tom Petty
New Soul* – Yael Naim
Fake It (Radio edit) – Seether
Killa – Cherish
Way You Are – Timbaland (which she calls the “chicken song” because the part “like you just the way you are” apparently sounds like “chicken” to her and it took me forever to find out what she was talking about until one time I was channel surfing and she yelled “The chicken song! That’s what I’m talking bout!” )
I Wanna Go Home – Blake Shelton
Like This – Mims
See You Again – Miley Cyrus
All The Same – Sick Puppies
You – Britt Nicole
Clumsy – Fergie
Nothing You Are- Mandy Moore
Nothin Better to Do – LeeAnn Rimes
Last Name – Carrie Underwood
Angels Watchin Over Me* ( her bedtime song)
Twinkle Little Star*
ABC’s*
London Bridge*
It’s Raining It’s Pouring*
No man is an island
Posted on: July 15, 2008
It takes an intense amount of humility and courage to look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge you need help and then turn around and look at someone else and ask for it.
So often, people view strength as someone who doesn’t need help. But that’s such a false concept, because we all need help in one way or another. We all need support. We all need. We are not self sufficient. And when we try to be we expect too much of ourselves from ourselves and do not ask for enough from others. In turn, we do not offer enough to others.
I think of suburban America when I think of this because each family is supposed to exist on their own and any help needed or used is paid for which completely depletes the sense of community that can come from the give and take between people.
To acknowledge we are complementary beings. Part of a masterpiece. There is something bigger than us. Bigger than the day to day. Bigger than what we can see in our foresight or hindsight. Bigger. We are part of something bigger. Isn’t that a relief?
A house divided
Posted on: July 13, 2008
When there’s a split, what’s better, to be the one staying or the one leaving?
If you stay you have to sit with the ghosts that wander the halls and seats. But you get to keep some familiarity of place. And maybe, with time those ghosts will be replaced and the sadness will be a weak undercurrent to a tidal wave of joy and you will be able to say you stood through it all.
If you leave, you have the opportunity to start fresh and it’s much easier to navigate through halls uncluttered, to build something completely new, reinvented. But you will sometimes miss that home, that place that knew you for so long. Because those halls are cluttered, but it’s not all bad. Sometimes the blankness of a new canvas is blinding, or sad. But in the end, you can look back and think of starting from scratch and all it took and all it means to have created something new.
Please, please, please
Posted on: July 11, 2008
Sometimes, I look at Natalie and I start to think about all the things I hope to teach her and I’ll start freaking out because I’ll realize there are so many things I want to teach her that I don’t know or know how to do and then I just start to think that my daughter is going to be screwed up because of me and my shortcomings and on and on I go with these worries. And then to think about all the life things that I want to prepare her for or protect her from or at least help her deal with the best way possible and I don’t know if I will know how or if I will even know when they happen to her and then I worry about what our relationship with be like as she gets older and I worry and worry and worry.
The other day I started the long monologue/prayer in my head and something stopped me and said “faith”. Lord, please, let me teach my daughter faith. Faith and unconditional love. Because if she can see through me what it is to be loved constantly and consistently with no limitations or conditions, she will feel safe and cherished and she will know what it is to be loved and encompassed by God. And if she sees me lay down my worries in faith and trust and hope and belief then she can see that she can lay hers down too. And that will carry her through. And this will enable her to love others, to share hope with others. To be loved and taken care of. To share love and take care of others. To understand and value the spiritual over the material.
Please, please, please let me teach my daughter this.
Music I write to/with/because of: Athenaeum, Lifehouse, The Fray, Creed, Our Lady Peace, Evan’s Blue, The Verdict, In Sepia, Harvard, Seahorses, Matt Browning, Parallel, Mat Kearney, Jason Isbell, Jack’s Mannequin, Citizen Cope, Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, Oasis, Rascal Flatts, Skillet, Jars of Clay, Jeremy Camp, Fuel, Goo Goo Dolls, Angels and Airwaves, Silversun Pickups, Better Than Ezra, James Taylor
Cathartic music: Avenged Sevenfold, Atreyu, Linkin Park, Alexisonfire, Nonpoint, Disturbed, Paramore, Killswitch Engage, Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Korn, Rage Against the Machine, Limp Bizkit, Saving Abel
Fun Music: MxPx, Paramore, New Found Glory, Outkast, Timbaland, Britney Spears, Dixie Chicks, Cartel, Plies, Jay Z, Ludacris, Flo Rida, Pink, Lauryn Hill, Ying Yang Twins, Sean Paul, Miranda Lambert, Rascal Flatts
Comfort Music: Selah, Lifehouse, Classical, Jazz
Lyrics sound like my poems: Colbie Calliat, Mariah Carey, Lifehouse, Creed, Skillet
Lyrics sound like my life: Faith Hill, Sara Evans
Do we really need to hear 15 times a day about how high gas prices are? This is not news…I mean are they going to start reporting about the color of the damn sky? “Yes Mike, I’m out here on highway 74 and the sky is blue, it looks like it’s just going to stay this way and may get bluer as the summer goes on.” Really? Oh my god I’m so glad I heard this, what would I have done if I went outside and couldn’t decide for myself what color the sky was???
The news just feeds fear and worry with sensationalism. I mean, I don’t think any of us needs any extra reason to feel upset or worried or to be reminded that our bank accounts are about to overdraft next time we fill up. Or was that maybe a little bit sensational, just for effect? Maybe it sucks but it doesn’t mean we have to hyperventilate every time we’re at the pump.
News should be new information. I’m just saying…you know, with new being the root, and pretty much the whole word. Maybe that’s the problem, I’ve just been mislead by the title, maybe if we called it : negative information about your world that you already know but we want to harp on I wouldn’t be bitching.
You know what the best part of news programs are? When they find the crazy people to interview who totally over exaggerate or don’t know what they’re talking about, or make noises to emulate gunshots or car crashes and have like no shirt on, or dip in their mouth, or curlers in their hair. Now that’s worth watching!
In the movie Alice in Wonderland, Alice states that it is so easy to give advice, but she never seems to be able to take her own. I do that all the time. Like with this:
So it only took me 4 days to realize how what I wrote about in the playing games-little revolutions blog was exactly what I’m doing with church. Even though looking back, I think it was absolutely necessary to leave, all things considered, it’s been 4 years, and my reason for not being at church is different now. And now, now I keep thinking that I don’t know if I can go back to really being part of a church because I can’t put up with all the problems I have with the way churches are ran, with the way people approach and behave regarding church and that brand of Christianity and some of the ideals and ideas…but at the same time I miss the fellowship, the fun times, the feeling of sitting quietly in a sanctuary with others, of sharing a hymnal and lifting voices in shared praise of a community who, despite all the trappings of a political machine/business, is based on belief and love.
What I need to do is obvious, I have to be active in church or I can’t say anything about it. That’s like the person who won’t vote, but complains about the results. Or the person who says they have a headache but won’t take a Tylenol. I’ve always been kind of a “if you don’t like it, do something about it and if you’re not going to do something about it than don’t complain” kind of person. So, if I want to bitch and moan about the state of the Christian church than I damn well better get myself into a Christian church and start making my point. (Not dwelling on the use of curse words is obviously a point I would like to make somewhere along the lines, J) The thing is, I have something to say (not always with words, you know) and what a waste to half ass it by never really being where it can reach it’s most ideal audience.
This issue is complicated (or maybe simplified) by several things. One, being that my husband and I both stated we would not be part of the church I grew up in (and we met and married in!) until things changed. Well, the church has split, so it’s changed, but not in the direction we had hoped or wanted; cue Rolling Stones music: “You can’t always get what you want…”.
So, Two, the church split. Couldn’t go back if we tried (which we weren’t). One side: my family, some friends and people who’ve known me all my life, and over a hundred years worth of heritage as well as my whole youth and adolescence, with a traditional, conventional take. Which is cozy and comfortable and all but I’m telling you now that I won’t be satisfied making crafts with the ladies group. My mom loves stuff like that. It’s right up her alley, she likes to be crafty and thoughtful and behind the scenes. That is her gift and good thing because it’s not mine and someones’s got to do sweet things like that. And she’s got to do something that she feels good about. So that works, for her and for others. But not for me. And that’s kind of what I’d be set up with there. Other side: My youth pastor (the only person I ever considered a mentor), my best friend, many other friends and people who’ve known me my whole life, and a more community based, lets get out there and make a difference and get our hands dirty approach. That’s me! That’s me!
But did you catch the part about my family and heritage and all that on the other side? Yea, and it was a kind of ugly split.
So, on to Three: kind of need a place my husband and Natalie and I comfortable and part of as a family and he’s very interested in casual, contemporary kind of services so we have one picked out to try, but haven’t yet and now he’s back on 3rd so getting him up is going to be harder than before (and it wasn’t easy in the first place). I’m thinking all this may mean we’ll (or I’ll?) take part in several churches which is an interesting idea though much different than I ever imagined as a child (but isn’t everything) and it’s not like I had ever imagined not being part of a church. So, there it lies tonight. We’ll see where it goes.
tightropes, psychics, ringmasters, clowns and spectators; what it’s all about under the Big Tent
Posted on: July 4, 2008
it always comes back to balance and maintaining perspective when you want to get the most out of life that you can.
understanding that life is precious and unpredictable, many aspects of it out of our control, and our time with it is without guarantee ,we decide – live in the now, take a chance, have some fun. but the other side of the coin is this: all of our highways intersect so we can’t just drunk drive our way through, living unbridled and unthinking because not only are there others to consider, but also, life can be long. long, long, long. you can live a few dozens little lives in your lifetime. so you have to kinda think ahead. you have to kinda think about the consequence. you have to weigh it out. you have to keep perspective. you have to balance. i was telling a friend just the other day how sometimes i ask myself what the 80 year old version of me would say about something. would they say they wish i had just let it be, just taken the chance, would they say i should have thought it out, i should have held on harder?
it’s like that fwd that gets passed around about something an old lady said when she was dying or dead or something about how she wouldn’t have worried about cleaning her house so much or about work and such. The first time i read it i was like thank you, now people, stop wasting your time and energy on things that don’t matter. but i read it again, probably after having moved out on my own and thought yea…but you have to care a little, you have to be a little responsible, a little prepared. you just can’t walk around smelling flowers and calling in sick to work everyday.
because hey, I’m the first to say I could care less about cleaning or paying bills or doing anything responsible and boring because i guess at heart i’m still “hippie” from 5th grade walking around in my bell bottoms and braided hair, just doing whatever the hell i want because i can. but at the same time i do have in my veins the blood of farmers and factory workers who place practicality and resourcefulness far above doing whatever the hell they want. because that really doesn’t get you too far. And along with this comes the fact that we appreciate things much more when they are worked for or are indulgences as opposed to ways of life. in Little House on the Prairie, Laura describes typical christmas gifts as a candy cane, piece of fruit, and maybe a small handmade item. i bet that was a really good candy cane. i bet it took a few days to eat. and i bet that fruit was so satisfying. and i bet that handmade whatever was beloved. i remember thinking i wish i could get excited about a candy cane.
that was a bit of a tangent. anyways, the more indulgent we are of ourselves and our lives not only do we lose the excitement of having something special, but we also lose the balance. the same way balance is lost if everyday is about work and chores and every penny is practically placed and nothing’s being enjoyed, no risks are being taken.
it’s also about understanding what we can control and what we can’t. we can be reasonably prepared for things that may reasonably happen to us, but we can not in any way prepare for what will happen to us. because we don’t know. and we can shape and improve our reactions, our coping skills. we can gather up things to carry within us, faith, love, good memories, lessons learned, knowledge. we can love others and help others, but we can’t control others, we can’t control anything outside of us. we can’t control it and we can’t expect to always be prepared for it. but we can harness everything within us to handle it. and we can ask for help. and we can offer help.
balance is hard to achieve. healthy perspective is too. i think because no one is letting us in on the secret that we need these things. so we don’t know, until it is blindingly obvious.
Homework
Posted on: July 4, 2008
Lots of times on people’s profiles there’s an exhaustive list of things they like/dislike. It’s actually an exercise that can be used therapeutically. Of course it doesn’t usually produce much at first because you can bet if you ask someone sitting at the rock bottom of their own personal darkness they will tell you that they like nothing. And you’ll say, well what did you used to like? Often enough- nothing or I don’ t know. But then, give a little silence and they’ll say “flowers i guess” stated with such lack of enthusiasm that you wonder if they just said that so you will stop asking them or if they just know, in the very back of their mind that they do, it’s just such a far out concept (liking something) at that point that they can’t say it with conviction. Or you’ll point to a collection of cigarettes or Mountain Dew and say, what about that? Start there. So then, slowly… I like tanning, or I like helping people, or I like baking… And it’s like, if you can just get someone to ID a few things, a few attainable things, you can tie them together and kind of throw a rope out.
Doing any kind of therapeutic activity with someone basically holds me accountable for being able to do the same thing, I can not expect of others what I can not expect from myself. So of course, a list is coming and to prevent me from making one of those exhausting, every single thing I like at all kind of list I am going to give it a guideline-
Things I get excited about:
Old cemeteries, music written or performed by people I know, finding a new coffee shop, going on a trip, reading a book or watching a movie that makes me think and having someone to talk about it with, when my Dad’s side of the family gets together, learning my family history, small town downtowns, food, doing things with Natalie I always imagined doing with my child, sitting by (or in) a body of water all day, camping, real conversations, spending time with large groups of people I’ve known for a while, performing with a choir, singing in a different language, getting a genuine compliment, creating something I feel good about, being comfortable enough to act fearlessly idiotic, being confided in, feeling loved, being part of something bigger, attaining a natural high, achieving something I didn’t think I could, being told my words did something for someone, burning incense and candles, playing a game I don’t classify as stupid, liking what I look like in the mirror, making new connections (to people or concepts), being desired, feeling peaceful and grateful all day, seeing someone I care about doing well, having conviction, clarity, and belief, taking new routes, successfully making my way without a map, having time and money to go shopping, just walking in a Victoria’s Secret store, free art exhibitions, antique stores, old pictures, going to plays, dollar store shopping sprees and clearance shopping, making and eating desserts where I add in my own ideas
My tongue is in my hand... 