My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for June 2010

Posted on: June 17, 2010

Here’s the thing, I’m from the forest. Not that I just lived there, but that I’m from the land itself. Laying under the expanse of the sky, while the clouds rolled in beyond the sunset, the moon high in the corner above me, I remembered. The breeze and the grass and dirt beneath me…this is me. This is why I feel so lost everywhere else. I’m not here enough. I’m in foreign places too much. I need this, more than anything else. I am part of this. This is where all my answers lie. All the things within me that are wondering, restless, discontented, pulling away from all the networks and boxes and noises and flashes and lights…I need the sun, the air, the land…

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Posted on: June 16, 2010

overripe banana I threw in the freezer months ago+really old ice cream from the back of the freezer+milk a week past its sell by date+butterscotch schnapps+forgetting to buy wine on the way home=Me learning to make a new alcoholic beverage and continuing to be glad that I’m flexible and creative because I’m surely not prepared or organized. And still pretty happy about it. Look what I would miss out on if I were!

Today

Posted on: June 15, 2010

I will never fail you nor forsake you. (Heb. 13:5)

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wing’s as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

I’m leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives. So, don’t be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27)

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters … they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God” (Isaiah 43:1-3).

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

God,

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Claudette

Posted on: June 13, 2010

Megan is the kind of pregnant you see on magazines, beautiful, joyful, a little ethereal. Just lovely.

Everything about that day was as anyone who’s ever been to a baby shower would expect, until she got down to the last three gifts. She pulled out the soft white blanket with handwritten washing instructions pinned to it and asked “Who made it?” Someone answered “Claudette”. And that was it. We rode the wave of silence and crashed into the truth we’ve all probably thought of less and less over time: Leslie’s dead.

Claudette will never have the opportunity to see her daughter pregnant, to knit a blanket for that grandchild. It’s almost like we all just lost that child, or those children in thinking of Leslie now, at this time in our lives.

Leslie grew up with Megan, from toddler hood all the way to high school. I’m quite sure no one in the whole entire world could ever fill the spot of your childhood friend. So of course all of us who knew wanted to cry. And then they tried to explain who Claudette was and why it mattered that she had knitted this baby blanket, and that just made it so much harder not to cry. In fact, I’ve cried 3 times since then, just trying not to cry.

I wonder if it helped or hurt more for Claudette to choose a yarn and sit down and row by row knit that blanket. Maybe it did both.

All I can think of now is how sometimes it’s just enough to be alive. With whatever weight is on my shoulders, at least I am alive. I can almost hear Leslie saying that everytime I complain or worry now. In a perky, playful tone “Well at least you’re alive!”. Because Leslie wouldn’t be bitter about it. I’m sure Leslie’s fine in fact. But I’m also pretty sure she’s saying “Well at least you’re alive! At least you can watch your daughter play in the sprinkler and kiss her little nose, hear her giggle when you tickle her. At least you feel the sun on your face, hear the music on the radio, taste the coffee, hot and strong in the mornings. At least you can call your friends and drive to work and…”  Well, maybe not bitter, but maybe a little wistful.

I think so often we forget that being alive is more than many get to do.

The last time I thought of Leslie this much, it was when I got married. Because I knew she would be there. I would have had her at the guest book with Megan and Kim. Her lack of presence was so blatantly missed in my eyes. I tied a blue ribbon on my bouquet for her.

I would never say Leslie and I were extremely close, by no means as much as others.  My memories with her are little jagged pieces, moments more than full out memories. Singing “Hit and Run” in the mall between classes. Sitting side by side on the bus to Orlando.  Being the only non-cheerleaders on homecoming court in 8th grade. Walking down the street talking about boys one warm night. What I think I miss the most, now that I think about it is this; she was like me. I think we went about the world in similar ways, went about people and love in similar ways. And it’d be nice to talk to her now. It’d be nice…

Now that the years have washed over the initial grief, the loss of teenage Leslie, it seems that we have now run into a new phase that I wasn’t expecting: grieving the idea of who she would be now, now that we are who we  are now.

I do believe that all things happen in their time, that it will all make sense and work out one day. But I think we still have to grieve what we feel we’ve lost, real or metaphorical. I think we have to remember that we didn’t all make it this far, we should be grateful for our lives, whatever they are; at least we still have them.

Posted on: June 13, 2010

I have been scared when I should have been brave. I have been meek when I should have been bold. I have been quiet when I should have been loud. I have been anxious when I should have had hope. I have been mild when I should have been risky. I have been “good” when I should have been wild. I have been practical a little too much. I have been peacekeeper a little too often. I have been concerned that life may be too long or short that I have weighed all my consequences strangely; as if I really could minimize heartache or trouble and in doing so, set myself up for both.

I know that now is the time to live, I’ve unfortunately made a habit of a variation on a theme and am trying, at times harder than others, to break out. I’m not sure what I need, but I feel (and maybe fear) that it will mean a riot. Not a riot in the street, a riot in my life. And I suppose it’s the fear of this upheaval that holds me back. Yet, it is the inauthenticity of my life that ravages me inside, supresses my ambitions, my potential, my fullness, my beauty, my life, my belief…and there, I suppose, I am already rioting within. I just need to secure the bravery to let it out. Or perhaps I have to let it go – the riot that is, just let it go where it may and stop trying to manage it behind the walls within me.

It’s still about fear. Lack of belief that everything will be okay, listening to too many voices out here, letting other’s desires dampen mine, putting others supposed “needs” first beyond kindness, to the point of self mutilation, afraid to fight, and thus, afraid to really live.

I cannot move forward with fear. It is fear I have to conquer.

Posted on: June 13, 2010

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.” ~Cynthia Heimel

“You have to forget what other people say, when you’re supposed to die, or when you’re supposed to be loving. You have to forget about these things. You have to go on and be crazy. Craziness is like heaven.” ~Jimi Hendrix

“That’s life. For everyone who loves you, there will be others who hate you. If no one’s upset by what you’re saying, you’re probably not pushing hard enough and you’re probably boring too.” ~ReWork

“The ‘perfect’ time never arrives. You’re always too young or old or busy or broke or something else. If you constantly fret about timing things perfectly, they’ll never happen.” ~ReWork

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

“If at first an idea does not sound absurd, then there is no hope for it.” ~Albert Einstein

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?”

“Instead of always waiting for your next vacation, you ought to create a life you don’t need to escape from.” ~Makes Me Think

Belief

Posted on: June 6, 2010

Sometimes, a lot of times, writing is the only thing that makes me feel powerful…it’s empowering…it’s active…I don’ t know why I just don’t write sometimes. I should write all the time, but it’s like there’s some block…not writers block, something else. And it’s not just with writing, there are the walls I hit, far too often that just knock me down, or that I just keep hitting my head against, over and over until I feel defeated. I don’t know how it happen, what it is, but it takes me down…anyways, I’m writing right now…

Do you ever feel like there is only one lesson you are ever really supposed to learn in your life, something that you keep coming back to, over and over in varying degrees? Belief is my lesson. I just know it.

I will not let anything steal my joy. I won’t. New decision. Our joy is our strength, so I won’t let it be stolen. Even as I write this, I am struggling to believe it, but I’m going to write it. Because writing is powerful.

“If you would just trust me, your whole life would be amazing…even the struggles would be adventures, opportunities, open doors…open your mind to more than the world, what the world says is good or bad or scary or sad…get beyond that, beyond people, even the people you love…they have their own lessons, their own journeys and all you can do is live your life the best way you know how, that’s the most help you can ever give, honestly…it really really is. I love you. I’m the mountain mover. Why don’t you believe me? Just believe me. It’s a beautiful world, it’s a beautiful life…you have to believe…and write even when you feel blocked. Don’t get discouraged when you feel exhausted, cloudy…just give it to me, just let it go. Just believe.”

I’m trying, I’m trying. Guide me Lord, I need you. I keep falling back into the same thoughts, the same habits, the same fears. I keep getting overwhelmed and exhausted. I’m not delving into your grace, into faith. I need help to be free from what holds me back. I need help with clarity. I need help with follow through. I need help living the best I can. I know I’m not right now. There’s too much negativity and anxiety for this to be the “best”, so please deliver me from the chains, help me please be free in you. Lift me when I fall, encourage me when I feel defeated, give me energy when I feel exhausted, grant me clarity when I feel confused, hope when I feel despair, strength when I feel weak, joy when I feel depressed, peace when I feel worried, please please help me. I can’t live with anxiety, exhaustion. I need your deliverance. I know there are life circumstances that I’ve been letting get the best of me- instead of seeking your magnificence, I’ve been fearful, anxious, confused, weary. I want to let that go, I’m letting that go. You are more, life is more. I can not live worried anymore. I have to let it go and believe you will guide me, you will show me the ways to go, you will make a way where there seems to be no way, so that’s it. No point in knotting myself up about it. You are in control, you have it all in your hands. I need to let it go. And the thing is, it’s everywhere…the things I fear, the anxiousness – it can be triggered anywhere I am, anytime of day or night, all thinking about money or the lack there of and what the world tells me that means, what the world says will happen, what the world thinks of that, how scared the world is of that and it makes me feel like I should be scared, like I should be freaking out all the time and like I should feel discouraged and defeated and I’ve been believing this crap. Please help me believe in miracles, in your miracles, not just water to wine kinds of things, but the miracle that is life outside of this earth, the miracle that is trust, that is belief, that is hope and joy. Lead me in these ways, in the ways of peace and in the powerful presence of everlasting hope and eternal love, redeeming, powerful thing that it is. May the things that bother me become convictions to seek you out, to delve into hope and belief, to pray for peace and guidance to move as you will have me move, to allow you to move as you will move, may my worries become convictions and my convictions become actions of faith…I want more than worry, I want more than the world…  Please, help me let it go…I love you.