My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for June 2011

I just want everything to be okay. Like really okay. Like smooth. Like work out and not fall apart and then work out. I’m tired of things falling apart. I’m tired of worrying. I want things to go in my favor, to be pretty, to be miraculous. I want to stop having to keep things together, because they will just be together. I want to believe that is what is happening, that everything is moving forward for me now, that these tests and trials are behind me and that blue skies are ahead of me. I don’t want fall out. Can I have some good without some fallout? My faith is tricky right now, my mind is unclear. I don’t know what to pray or think or feel or do. I don’t feel like anything I do is right or good enough or…I want some clarity without some heartbreak. Can that happen? Please? Just some showers of blessings please? I will do good with them, I swear. I will shower them on others. Please, just let me be in the sunshine for a while.

Don’t worry about the past in trying to make full sense of it, or trying to use it to assume the future, trying to understand me. Your past has given you knowledge, and you can apply it without obsessing.

I am bigger than what you can understand, and far more complex the the earthly things and ways around you.

Take your lessons and move forward. Do not worry. I have never, will never, leave you nor forsake you. Everything really is okay. But you do need to do your part. Who you are now is not who you were. So let that person go. Forgive her. Leave her where she was. You are moving forward, you are new.

Keep believing. I move mountains, I move people, I move entities. I move everything. I hold time in my hands. Do not fear. Be faithful. And really do your best. Your very best.

Take heart. You are more than you have believed yourself to be. I live in you. You can do all you need to, and I will do the rest.

Do not despair. Do not try to predict everything. Just do your best. Really do it. Your best is good enough. Do not doubt. This is about to be a beautiful, amazing, fantastic, peaceful, joyful, productive season for you, for your family.

You did not ruin everything. You are not that powerful. But what you do does affect others, so be careful with what you do. Be proactive. Be prayerful. Believe. Every little effort makes a difference. Don’t get discouraged. Keep at it. Every day. You will see, you will see.

I love you, precious daughter. Have no fear. Be joyful in me.

musing

Posted on: June 20, 2011

Sometimes it hits me hard, quick and hard, what I know about people’s lives now. That I know there are children that were systematically sexually and emotionally abused by their families. Children pimped out by their mothers for drugs. Children tied up in sheds fed like dogs. These sound like news stories, but the thing about news stories is they are real. This is real. I have met these people. I have sat across from them, hugged them, driven them places in my car, laughed with them, seen their constant struggles and frustrations and disappointments and confusions. Their sadness, their underlying hurt and doubt and fear and anger. And I can’t go back and make sure that someone held them and took care of them and made them laugh and feel safe. Like children should.

Heartbreaking is not the word. It hurts my soul. It’s just there are so many ways to be lucky, to be blessed, to be wealthy. And there are so many ways to be poor. Most of us are a little of both. Rich in some things, poor in others. They don’t cancel one another out.

I just hate, really hate, what some people are robbed of. And I just really want to see us all taking care of one another. To be connected…I can’t pinpoint it right now, but it makes a difference.

 

 

Heat

Posted on: June 10, 2011

It’s such a heavy hot outside sometimes that I will step out of my car and feel as if I’m going to suffocate. I take deep breaths and my chest constricts and I’m not sure if it’s heat or panic. It can’t be panic.

It’s only when I can’t breathe that I mind the heat. Otherwise, I like the sticky thickness of it. It feels essential to summer here. Without it, we wouldn’t be who we are.

Maybe we’d be sane.

The truth of everything is that sane is so subjective. We all find people lacking sanity who find themselves completely sane. Who’s to say, really?