My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for April 2010

Posted on: April 26, 2010

A lot went on this weekend – really since I last wrote. I wanted to write about it, and now I don’t. I will say that I’m doing better than I was at the beginning of last week, regardless. So that’s good. Sometimes we just need something to help us get perspective.

So I just discovered StumbleUpon and am already addicted. It’s exactly what I’ve been thinking I needed. I go to the same 5 sites all the time and know there’s so much more out there. It’s also a great use of time that I don’t want to be using for anything in particular.

I am going to try to spend a little less time on the computer though. I think staring at the screen has been giving me a headache. And possible making me less productive. Okay, probably making me less productive at least at not-computer-related things…

I”m going to be more assertive in faith this week, faith in good, in love, in okay, faith itself, in God. I’m going to give in to fear/anxiety so much less than I did last week. The decision is already made.

Also going to create this week. And be proactive starting with the moment, not worrying about the past or future, just acting in the moment to handle what I can. That’s what I want to do this week, handle the things I can one step at a time – no freaking out. No worrying about everything. Just make progress with something all the time. That’s all I can do.

I am off to do.

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Posted on: April 22, 2010

mid day update:

I got up, took care of the dog, got on the computer, ate chocolate pie for breakfast, watched saved by the bell, snuggled Natalie, fed her captain crunch and blueberries while I sat with her and ate yogurt, made her lunch, got her dressed, hair and teeth brushed, things for the day together, took her to school

cried a ridiculous amount while driving home. prayed a little. listened to music. talked to myself

came home, worked: called people back, wrote a plan and mailed for dr. signature, returned emails, made an appended to-do list. told jason i’d pick natalie up from school, ate almonds and drank pepsi. took the dog with me to get natalie

picked her up, dropped her off at my mil’s. talked to mil for a minute. gave natalie a million kisses and encouraged her to be nice to the kid she doesn’t like.

back home now and am going to eat lunch, clean up the kitchen and work some more. probably go into the office later to fax and print some things…mom is taking natalie from mil’s to her house and i will eat dinner there with them…i think i can be productive the rest of the day. i don’t want to cry or hurt myself or anyone else right now. we’ll see how the rest of the day goes, right now- i’m starving.

I forgot to mention that I have been thinking that maybe I don’t hate my job, maybe I hate that I haven’t figured out how to manage it and I actually want to like my job because it does allow for a lot of freedom but i’m insanely frustrated with the system and myself and maybe if i could reconcile i could enjoy and benefit from it….

Posted on: April 22, 2010

I decided that if I can’t get out of this mood by next week I’m going to the dr. I just keep feeling bad…..anxious, depressed, etc. I feel defeated, disappointed, distant, hopeless, exhausted, tearful, etc far too much. Basically I’m an anti-depressant commercial. ;P I keep telling myself that I need to start identifying what I’m doing well, or what is good in my life because I know, in my head that those things are there, that I am not in fact, a failure at everything and that the things that I’m worried about don’t really matter. I can’t apply that right now. I just hate my life in general. Aside from Natalie of course (okay, and my friends and stuff, you know). But even then I feel shitty about the kind of mom I am. Not because I think I’m doing it wrong so much, but because I feel like everyone else does everything else better. I mean, obviously my self esteem is like rock bottom right now. And what’s driving me crazy is I can’t even identify what happened to trigger this. Except the job change and the general long term stress that I’ve been dealing with in other aspects. Maybe it’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back…I feel like the world is suffocating me. I did decide that I’m going to look for another job. Who knows how long that will take. And I am going to pray. I think I’m honestly disappointed with God right now? Or something. What really makes me sad is that I know that what I want is for my life to just be easier, happier, a better fit for me and short of God doing something about that, I have to.  A therapist can’t. Medication can’t. Both could possibly aid me, but damn I’m sick of handling my life. I want it to be handled for me. God, seriously, handle my life for me. I’m over it. I don’t want to do anything anymore. Just wait for something to be better. I’m sick to death of trying, of managing, of everything. Somebody make my life better and take care of me. I want to be happy and I don’ t think it should be an effort. Just being honest.

Also, have I mentioned that I hate the leggings as pants trend?

And that facebook keeps making me dislike people or feel bad about myself, yet I keep going back because it makes me feel connected in that lazy, voyeuristic kind of way,

I want to fall asleep and not wake up until I feel better and everything is easier.

Posted on: April 21, 2010

Okay, I am a little inebriated right now, eating reeses cereal right now of the box (which is very good, by the way). I don’t want to sound like a complainer, but lately that’s what I am. I’d rather it come out than stay in. So…I really really really dislike my job. Seriously. It’s too much. Then Natalie threw up 2x today, I don’t know if I’ll have to take PTO (again) to address it and I just can’t do everything. The thing is though, I don’t really care. I don’t think. I don’t know. I hate hating my job.

I don’t want to clean. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to do anything but drink and eat and create and be with people I love/like/enjoy. And that’s probably normal. I mean, who wants to clean or cook or work, right? But why do people act like it’s so important, like it’s just what you do because you are an adult. I think adults shouldn’t give up on life so easily and pretend to care about such shitty things. Just sayin. Maybe most adults are just lying to themselves. I like to ask myself what elderly me has to say about what current me is doing and generally she doesn’t give a shit about work or cleaning or any “grown up stuff” and she pretty much thinks current me shouldn’t waste too much energy trying to be part of the world anyways. It makes me depressed though, and lonely. Like you can’t be an intelligent, capable person who thinks most of the things most people spend most of their time on is worthless…to believe that we should all spend more time doing what we want, what we love, what we enjoy. Why is that childish? Why is that naive? Why isn’t that smart. Who gets to dictate “smart” anyways?

I hate my job. I hate cleaning. I hate cooking. I hate bills. I hate money. I hate certain expectations of motherhood (though I do not at all hate being a mother). Sometimes I hate Christianity (not God, not Jesus).I kind of hate society in general. I hate capitalism. I hate stupidity. I hate following the leader. I hate when people don’t think for themselves. I hate unrealistic deadlines that people actually expect you to meet.

I don’t hate Law and Order or The Office or Chelsea Lately or The Colbert Report or Taco Bell or Natalie or Bodie or anyone in my family, or any of my friends or wine or food or water or coffee or the internet or art or poetry or music or love or God.

Posted on: April 20, 2010

I feel like I’m looking for something in the mornings. I haven’t been able to put my finger on “what” yet…I need to start my days off differently. I want to get my mind right…while consistently entertaining my puppy so he won’t wake my daughter…I need to connect to something good for me so I don’t connect to what’s not good for me, so I don’t float around not connecting…I feel like this could make my whole day go better because then I wouldn’t spend God knows how much time in the rest of the day being all out of whack…and my daughter’s waking up now…so I’ll have to put this all on hold….already feeling a little frustrated….

Posted on: April 20, 2010

Today is a good day.

Flash

Posted on: April 18, 2010

I hate waking up with things to do. Of course, everyday there are things to do. It’s just about me getting my mind in the right place. Ironically (only to me) I’m laying in the ladders of light on the floor this morning, instead of looking at them from the couch. I think that’s progress. I don’t care if that makes no sense at all. I think I’m ultimately glad that very few people read this blog because I need to just write and not worry about it being anything but me writing whatever.

I definitely had something in my head to write about and it just floated far far away. Hmmm….

We went to the drive in movies last night. I love it. I can see doing it again this summer. Especially since it’s near dad’s place at the lake. I’m tempted to go ahead and start planning lake weekends. We are going to spend a long weekend camping in the mountains, and possibly a weekend at the beach with friends (without Natalie) in their grandmother’s condo, and possibly a weekend at the beach in a place of one of Jason’s uncle’s. If we actually budget ourselves and don’t spend money stupidly or unnecessarily, we could have a good summer regardless of our shitty money situation.

That’s definitely one of my stresses. Now Jason has a job, but it’s so much less than what he had before, we’ve tapped out savings, and family, and credit cards. I used to be able to tell myself that when he got a job we’d figure it out and it’d be easier, but now it’s just scary because he has a job and we’re still very short. I keep trying to figure out what I can do to help- second job or whatever…I did start actually using the check book register again to keep track of things….so I guess that’s a start.At some point, I’ll have to figure out what to do regarding credit cards and stuff we can’t pay…I am working on a home loan modification…and I am trying to keep having faith. If it weren’t for Jason, it wouldn’t matter. But he cares about material shit. I’d get rid of the house and file bankruptcy or whatever I had to do to just be done with it…and figure it out from there…oh well

Natalie stayed with mom last night, so I’m going to meet them at church this morning. I was really hoping to go to Hope Church again before I went back to Dulins Grove, but honestly, to get to have a morning to myself, I’ll meet them at DG. Otherwise, mom would call me as soon as Nat got up.

I have to do work stuff tonight/early tomorrow morning. The week before, I was able to get things done on Friday, but this Friday was consumed with other stuff and that didn’t happen. I do want to make it happen again though, it made Sunday/Monday better (obviously).

I need to do some Goodwill shopping…Okay, more that I want to, I don’t really need to.

I was very domestic the past couple of days. Bought and planted flowers, rearranged pictures and such in the house, baked banana bread…it’s not that I don’t like those things, I just only like them when I like them. It’s not that complicated.

My mind has been stranger lately. I don’t know if I can explain it. There’s this place it gets to, creatively that in the past few years would kind of come in waves. Now, it’s there almost all the time. The pull is strong. It’s like I’m high for extended periods of time. Which is not completely new. I used to get like that, but it was when I lived at home and had a ton of time to myself, so it was easy to manage to keep it together when I was with people. It makes me think of that quote by Nathaniel Hawthorne

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.

It’s not so much that I am confused anymore as to which one is true, it’s more that it separates me- or it has that potential. Sometimes, I feel like I have to choose against whatever brilliance is within me and with being who my family and friends want and hope and need for me to be. I’ve tried to run middle ground most of my life, but I feel like sometimes, I’m going to have to choose. And I think I’ve been here before. And I chose what’s expected and that didn’t work for me. That was undoubtedly the least “alive” I’ve been…at the same time, I recognize the different aspects of my self, the true responsibilities I have to the people who love me/depend on me. I guess it’s still a balancing thing. I do believe balance is important. But I may have to adjust what that balance is, or what it is I’m balancing…

There’s this other thing. There was this point in my life that was “right”. Sometimes, I get flashes of that time in the time I’m in, and it’s almost like a sign that maybe I’m headed in the right direction. And it all feel like maybe it makes some kind of sense…

Sometimes, I ask myself “did you ever think you would be doing this” and I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised by my life. And I think that means I do know myself…not to say I fully like the life I have, but more that I get it. I used to think I couldn’t understand where I was, but that was me not really acknowledging myself. I know how I got here. I get it. I know myself. The question is always…where am I going now, where do I want to be, what am I doing about it? Still working on that…