My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for July 2010

Posted on: July 19, 2010

This was a rambling of words and thoughts from my mind days ago. I’m not editing it. It may not make any sense at all, still felt I needed to post it.

What I heard:

It really will be okay (stillness)

It really will

But how?

Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways, acknowledge God and he will show you the path to take

Be still, and know that I am God

Kindness will heal you. Everything is fine, will be fine. I love you. I’m right here, I’m right here. All the little things, that make you smile, I design things for your eye, your ear, the people’s words that lift you, they are mine. I am here. Do not fear. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! For I have overcome the world. It’s not a game or test, you will appreciate this opportunity to learn of my love. I’m not just telling you, I’m showing you. this will be a great story one day. Beautiful child, I do not forsake you. I know when you rise and when you lie down, I watch over you. I care. I will not forget to finish the good thing I started in you. If God is for you, who can be against you? Yes, there will be struggles, but they don’t have to be like this. I am here. Keep praying. I will still you. I will guide you. You are fine, you will be fine. I don’t expect perfection, ever. I expect a relationship. I love you.

Cast all your cares on me, he who loves you. I will set you free. Over and over.

Everything will be fine, it really will. And sooner than you can imagine. Trust me. Don’t worry about how, through God, all things are possible.

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Vent 2

Posted on: July 15, 2010

I would like to say, before I begin this post, that I know how ridiculous it will be to follow the last post with this one, less than 24 hrs apart.

Last night, only hours following that post, I was still fighting anxiety…and then I just fell into a depression, a soothing depression, numb, almost like I’d been drinking. It was a relief. I’d rather feel depressed than anxious.

I feel like a failure. In all aspects of my life. It doesn’t matter what words I wrote before. It’s almost like they weren’t even my words. I wanted them to be my words, but they aren’t. I hoped to convince myself by writing them, but it fell flat.

I don’t know how to continue. Everything is too hard. Everything. I’m doing well at nothing, yet I’m doing my best. My best is so feeble. I don’t want to be discouraged, but I am.

This morning’s depression is not numb, it is desperate. It is tearful. It is wondering how to go about the day when it is so certain that I will come up short in all arenas. God will cover my inadequacies , that’s what I said before…why doesn’t that feel true right now? I’m weary, even from working so hard to believe. I just need things to get better, to fix themselves, to get easier, to smooth out, to simplify all on their own. I don’t feel like I can do this and I don’t know what to do.

I need things to get better Lord. I need. I’m tired. I’m at the end of my rope and I’m not sure how or why to hold on. Is this it? Will it always be this hard? Because I just can’t…I need help, I need real help. I know God is out there and that we are to be concerned less with physical things and more with spiritual things, but damn it, we live here in this physical world, sometimes we need things to get better. I don’t want to live a miserable life. I don’t want to always be struggling. I don’t want to feel like a constant and consistent failure. I don’t want to have to keep working so hard to believe I will be okay, I will be taken care of. I want to see it, I want to feel it, I want to know it.

Every morning is so hard, I don’t know what to do, I feel defeated and worried when I wake. All of this is too much, I can’t do this, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m miserable and I work so hard not to show it, because what can anyone do?  I’m disheartened. Though I am grateful for these moment to write. I just want to be better, to feel better, to enjoy life, to wake up glad in the morning, joyful, peaceful, at ease with the world.

I am so fucking sick  of my day to day. I’m failing at it and I don’t know what to do differently. I feel lost.I’m constantly overwhelmed. Where is my light? Even in the little ways I see God, in the sky or the wind, it’s not sinking in…I acknowledge it, but…

I can’t keep convincing myself to believe, I can’t keep holding things together. Is that letting go? Just giving up and hoping it works out? I’m just so to the bone, to the soul tired. Weary. Sorrowful. Something, deliver me. Deliver me not from my life, I know there are wonderful things there that if I just weren’t so miserable I could enjoy. Deliver me from the stress, from the responsibility, from the failure, from the anxiety, from the depression, from the fear, from the worry, from the struggle. Fix the shitty stuff in my life. Fix me.

The more I think about it, the most shitty things in my life are money and my job. so if I just had a job that was not shitty for me and more money then I could stop feeling so damn overwhelmed all the time. I don’t want money to be an idol, but it sure as hell affects a lot of stuff. So, that’s just the honest truth. Get me a new job, that I like, that I’m good at, that I feel good about. Where I make more money. Let Jason make more money. Let someone just give us a ton of money. Let our bills and debts just magically decrease. Something. I’m just being real. Yes, it’s material, but this life is material. I’m trying to raise my daughter here. I’m sick of being fucking stressed and miserable all the time. What kind of mom is that? I’m afraid I’m missing so much…I’m afraid I’m a terrible mother, a failure. I’m afraid I’m no good as a friend, as a sister, as a wife, as a daughter. I just feel like a failed human being all around because of this money and job stress that consumes me. I don’t know how to stop it. What am I supposed to do?

It’s too much. I need things to get better. I know there are others in this situation, or worse, but that doesn’t mean I don’ t need this help. It doesn’t mean I don’t need things to get better. ASAP. I’m tired. I hate waking up, going to work, starting the day, wondering how to make it to the next, how to scrounge and it’s just too much. I’m so close to done. I’m sick with it. Just take it and fix it. I can’t do this. I can’t even work on belief right now. I’m just here.

Vent

Posted on: July 14, 2010

I recognize that I’ve let things take over me that shouldn’t have. That I have listened to words and thoughts and ideas that I shouldn’t have. That I have let these things become obsessions, stealing away all the good things. All these fucking ridiculous things that come at me from tv, radio, internet, other people’s mouths…that are supposed to be “important”. I have let other people’s ideas of important take over mine. I have not listened to myself  and have worried about things that I never worried about before, because I was told to. Because I was told something was scary or depressing or hopeless or impossible or stressful. I just believed it all, I just had no confidence in my God or myself and just believed it. And it has been destroying me. I have accepted fearfulness and hopelessness and anxiety as if they are supposed to be mine, as if I deserve them and do not deserve joy and peace and happiness. As if I am not loved. As if that’s all there is. As is life is a punishment, once you make a mistake or two, it will ruin you. I renounce it now. God is strong in my weakness. His light covers my inadequacies. God does not need me to handle everything on my own, to figure it all out, to control everything. That’s kind of what he does, doesn’t really need my help. In fact, he needs me to let go, to let him move. He needs me to be quiet and still, to seek him, to let him show me the paths to take, all day, everyday. Step by step. Think forward, no spirals.

I believe in hope. The only hope is hope and I will not live hopeless. So what, the world says we’re all screwed and everything sucks and there’s no help, no light, no hope, it’s all fucked. I say, fuck the world. Fuck the whole damn world.

I will believe I will be better. I have a shield. I will be healed. I will not listen to the negative. I have never really realized how crucial it is to have positive people and things in your life and how detrimental it can be to have negative people and thoughts surround you. Everyone’s believing in impossibility and tragedy and no one is screaming out that it’s going to be just fine, it’s just a storm, it’s just a detour. Good God, where are the hopeful?

I just had to write this out. I am not going to be defeated. I will not let a thought spiral me down. I will not believe it is hopeless, pointless, or impossible. I will believe that good things are ahead, that good things are all around me, that each day is full of joy and promise, guaranteed. I will belive that it is possible. I will not lean on my own understanding, I will trust God, I will seek the quiet, so I can listen, I will seek the still, so I can be moved. I will stop rambling myself into circles. I will do for others, I will pray for others. I will not sit in anxiety and prepare for a dozen tragic situations in my mind until I am frozen and capsizing in fear. I will take each stress and before I even consider what to do, I will lay it down, I will lift it up, I will not try to solve it myself. I will not try to control my world. It’s a lie from the world that we should be in control. A demoralizing lie that defeats us and feeds us guilt and self effacement. I will not worry about mistakes, they are from me living my life, it’s not a tragedy to make mistakes, it doesn’t mean I should be punished and don’t deserve good things, it doesn’t mean anything is ruined. Nothing is ruined to God. Just  recognize what’s not working, seek help to change, seek forgiveness, forgive yourself with ease, God already has. The point is not to feel guilt, guilt weakens you negatively. The point is just to live and learn along the way. It’s not a race, it’s not a competition. It’s just life. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes we screw up, sometimes we don’t. It’s just life. God is not something we have to deserve. God is unconditional love, and all the good, beautiful wonderful things that go with that. Those things are ours, we don’t earn them. They are just ours.

The world is so full of lies. I just want to rest in the truth. I want to let go of all the lies in this society that set you up for failure, for fear, that are always trying to sell you something, always taking, always making you feel less of a person. No one is perfect, it’s dumb to expect that . No one has it all together. There’s no reason to try to “have it all together”. The point is not to have it all together. The point is to live in grace. Forgive yourself and others. Love yourself and others. Show kindness (to yourself as well). Show mercy, accept mercy. Accept love. Accept grace. Accept beauty. Accept blessings.

The life of this world, this society is a lie, a big vacuum of disgusting lies that break us down. I will not do this anymore. I will not.

So much of our life is about perception.

What if everything is okay, right now, always? What if we’re missing it the whole time because of how we’re looking at it? What if nothing was not okay?

What if our expectations, standards, and perspectives are the only thing making things not okay? What if we were to stop thinking in terms of right and wrong, to stop trying to make everything fit into an equation or a diagram, to stop thinking in  “should” and “shouldn’t s”. How would this change us?

So many of us are fed such stringent stories and guidelines of faith and prayer and God that even if well intentioned (and I’m not sure it always is), it hinders us. Because there are discrepancies in the kind of belief you have before you see so many perceived bad things happen to perceived good people.  Before you realize that no matter how much someone plays by the rules they can still lose it all or get burned.  Before you see suffering and sickness and death strike with no order, not passing over the faithful. When you’re really out there living, nothing is like it was taught to you, you have to find for yourself what your faith is, what your prayer is, who your God is.

You have to find what’s within you, you have to build within yourself. The more you have within you, the less you need from anyone, anything else. And, ultimately, the more you have within you, the less you have to lose from around you.

This is how I come to belief- from within, from the place where I am defining for myself what belief is, who God is, what prayer is. From the place where I am letting go of all the definitions I’ve been fed.

I have decided that prayer is about energy, and belief. It is communion, it is communication. It is the way we live, our lives are prayers. And the times we stop to pray, we are aligning ourselves with the energies around us, we are drawing respite and renewal, we are releasing negativity, requesting assistance, we are communicating, we are connecting, we are believing that prayer matters, that our concerns matter, that we matter, that God exists, and that God cares, that God is able.

I have decided that belief is a choice. It is how I choose to interact with myself and my world. Belief, like love, is not earned, it is an effort from within.

I believe we can choose what to do with the shatter that comes into our lives. And that sometimes (or maybe all the time) it takes something falling apart for us to really dig in and develop some depth to faith and belief. I believe that belief is a choice to constantly make, I believe that the act of belief is a defiance of fear, circumstance, hate, and ugliness.

I think we get chances all the time to choose belief, or choose anything else in it’s place. And I think we have to be careful of what we choose, because there’s only so much room in us. I think that it’s something to constantly reconsider, redefine, and reshape as our lives and hearts and minds move through this life.

I think the dirtier we get believing, the more we know about what we believe. I think laying down belief for a little bit due to anger, disappointment, doubt, etc, allows us to see ourselves and our world without it and allows us to decide if we want it back and what amendments we want or have to make to it. I think it takes seeing what our faith is not to know what it is. I think that all of these things make our faith not only more authentic for us, but to others as well.

I believe not blindly and not because my world hasn’t shattered, but because it has, and I have laid down belief and I know who I am without belief and I don’t like that person. I believe because I have to if I’m going to get up in the morning, because I need to, because I want to. I believe, even knowing that bad things do happen, have happened, can happen, will happen.

I believe we are part of something so much bigger than we can see, something that we only occasionally get a glimpse at, still unsure what it creates in the big picture. Like a stained glass mural or patchwork quilt, a symphony; all the pieces needing the others to make the masterpiece.

I believe because I’m a fighter and I’ll fight off darkness with belief because I don’t have room for both in me. And while I know I have to enter the dark at times, I will fight to keep it from entering me. And I don’t always succeed at that, but I will keep defying it.

I have seen that there are tunnels and there is light. I believe not because I always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but because I know there is a light. I believe knowing that there is light before and after the tunnel; and there is a tunnel before and after the light. I believe that with each light, I can take for myself a portion to carry through the next tunnel, and I can do this until the tunnel has no more room for darkness, and I am with the light all the time. But I have to keep moving and I have to keep pushing the darkness out with the light; within me, around me, before me.

There is a beautiful release in belief and I think we talk about that a lot, but we don’t always talk about the battle. And it is both. Freedom comes at a price. It always has.

Because fear is an enemy, an army. Fear debilitates, censors, triggers the ugliest places in us, limits us, locks us into panic rooms with no light, no air.  Fear is a wolf that comes to our door in sheep’s clothing and devours us.  Fear paralyzes, marbleizes, tethers us to dry and barren places and tells us they are safe zones.  Fear is a lie.

Belief is defiance of fear.  Belief is free and open and empowering.  Belief breathes life into us.  Belief unchains us from regulations and codes and methods that were designed to control us with fear, manipulating our desire for control and sense of security.  The only security I’ve found is belief. The only freedom I’ve found is belief.

So, through this, I’ve decided that I believe this about God:

When God is small, when God is punishing, when God is vengeful, when God is abandoning, when God is limited, when God is no longer magnificent and loving and graceful and magical and majestic and caring and powerful and a worker of miracles, it is because we have perceived God as such. It doesn’t mean any of those things are God, it just means that is what we have decided God is, and so, for us, that’s what God is.

When God is timeless and present and kind and understanding, it is because we believe God is so. When God is magnificent and loving and graceful and magical and majestic and caring and powerful and the worker of miracles, it is because we allow God to be these things in our lives, because we perceive God to be these things and with this perception, we bust the doors of our souls wide open and anything is possible.

I believe in God with us, in us, for us. God as companion, God as love, God as compassion, God as service, God as an artist, God as beauty, God as powerful, God as present, God as supernatural.

I believe God loves me fully, passionately, unconditionally, irrevocably, honestly, adoringly, and lives in me, around me, with me, through me. I believe this is true for everyone.

I truly believe we find what we seek, not we we demand, not what we wish, but what we seek, actively seek.

I believe when you see God as the fullness that God is, you begin to see God everywhere. You begin to see beauty in places and people you haven’t before, you begin to see the movement of the  spirit all around.  You begin to see, because you are looking.

When I let go and just be, just believe, everything is stars and light and colors and gorgeous. Everything is what it is and that is somehow fine. I find myself in places, with people that are both blessings and sanctuaries. It’s amazing the things you can enjoy when you’re not factoring in anyone elses standards or opinions and you are just being the being that you were created to be. It’s a beautiful high.

So I believe because I need to, because I want to, because I choose to. I struggle, I crash, but I keep coming back to this. I feel the most beautiful, the most fearless, the most alive, the most inspired, the most powerful, the most passionate, the most creative, the most hopeful, peaceful, joyful, loving, and kind when I am believing the things I believe. At this point, that’s all the evidence I need.