My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for January 2010

I felt like I was in one of those indie films, where the lighting is always dark and the characters never smile and everything just seems kind of pointless…you know…

It was raining hard outside. I could hear it from inside the Wal-Mart, where I was grocery shopping at 1am Monday morning when I had to be up at 5am to finish paperwork that’s due at 9am that I never manage to complete before the weekend rolls around and will absolutely not complete once the weekend is here.

So, Wal-Mart.Wal-Mart depressed me that day. This huge store, full of stuff. Stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter. I was looking at everything thinking it’s all a waste. What a fucking waste. All this stuff is so disposable. I think this sometimes when I’m in my home, I think, what if someone dropped a bomb on my house today, all this stuff would be destroyed. Stuff, it’s just stuff. Life would go on, broken stuff and all.

But we buy it and buy it and buy it. I’m pushing my oversized cart around buying it thinking about how pointless it is. And then I started thinking about this kid I saw at work, who was having suicidal ideations. I get it. I don’t want to kill myself, but I get it. Sometimes everything is just really goddamn pointless.

There were two lanes left open, once I filled my big metal cart full of things. I was confused as to which one to go to. One was the express lane, which I did not at all qualify for, yet it was the only one with the light on. The other was a regular lane, with the light off, but someone was there, checking people out. They said their produce scale didn’t work. That concerned me because I had apples and bananas. The woman in front of me waved her hand and said she didn’t care, just leave them out. I wanted mine. I did not want to leave them out. I wanted to buy them and eat them at various times throughout the week. That’s why I came to Wal-Mart at one am. To buy things to eat through out the week.

I walked up and down the main aisle. I passed the only other shopper as I did this. We both walked up and down the aisle going opposite directions. Twice. We smiled, laughed, cracked a passing joke. That was nice. That did not feel pointless. But wasn’t it?

I got to the register. The express lane, it turns out, was the one I was supposed to go to. The cashier was talking to some cops that looked younger than me (I’m only 26, I find that unsettling) about how to get out of a ticket she got for having her car tinted too dark. Of course. She was talkative.

It took forever, seeing as how it was an express lane, and I had my week’s worth of things to consume. I got soaked walking to the car, loading the groceries. I could barely see the road driving home. Times like that, I’m tempted not to – go home that is. To just keep driving like they do in those movies. Of course, I didn’t. I have my husband and my daughter and my job and my family and friends and  bills and very very little money (okay, no money), but mainly-  my daughter. Everything else, eh…it all depends on the day, but not her. I would never do that, leave her here to do this without me. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. Kind of like suicide. Not even really considered it, you know, just thought about it, just thought…and let the thought go…and go on as usual.

Posted on: January 23, 2010

It’s strange, sometimes it just hits you. That something, the thing you’ve been holding your breath for, moving towards, believing is at some time in the future going to be yours, something that has mattered and moved you…something so incredibly vital to your hope…to realize, with one solid moment, that it’s over. And no, it never began, so, technically it’s can’t end, but you know it was real to you and now you know it’s not… It’s possibility is over. Because it never was one. and you finally see that. It’s not yours to even shoot for.

I saw something, so trivial, that made me realize it’s incredibly unfair to hope for you for myself, in any capacity. I have years and baggage and brokenness that you, I know, have no interest it, that you don’t need. You need something cleaner, something freer, somthing that fits what you want to be more than I can, because I’m bearing my consequences and they are ceaseless, unremitting. I don’t fit where I want because I chose what I chose and that means I can’t hope for you. I have to just try to get out of this with my eyes elsewhere. Only on myself, only me, my daughter in my mind’s eye. You, I can’t put you there. Your mind’s eye is your own. I can’t will you here, even sincerely, even lovingly. I weigh too much to subject you to, and I know you see it. I’m so silent, so solemn, I can’t do this to you, try to keep you woven in…

And still, this quiver of a thought…what if you follow your mind’s eye, and it coincides with mine?

Even in letting you go, I carry this hope.

I am still set on this aren’t I?

I’ve been thinking lately, about poetry, about writing, about my sanity, my mental health. Now, being in mental health as a profession, it makes sense to think about mental health. What I’ve been thinking is that everyone could have a diagnosis. There are so many diagnoses, we could all be diagnosed with something. I think a diagnosis is merely a description of behavior and symptoms. It is not a definition of a person. It does not  give or take anything away from someone. It describes something about them. Mental health is so tricky. Everyone struggles at one point or another, some of us struggle all the time. It’s so different for everyone, even people with the same diagnosis. Because people are so different, because situations are so different.

But there’s a line…a line beyond just dysfunction or struggle…a line that is easy to see in some, and hard to see in others. Environment plays a factor, as do personal/family history, support systems, and the internal drive of a person. Anyone could just lose it at anytime, really. I think they really can….

I think if we’re really perceptive and insightful, we can look our madness in the face and do something with it…of course, I only truly know what I can do. I can channel it. I have been channeling it for so many years. It is why I believe in and talk to God, and it is why I write. I confide in, trust, and accept the love of God more than I do anyone else, I always have. Sometimes, it’s just God and I. I know I make it that way. I leave parts of me closed and that’s how I feel safe. That’s how I have room to create. I write to cope, to process, to claim, to create something I can record, something I can have and do something with. It is, and always has been, my coping. Sometimes it’s an obsession, and constant need. But it works. As time has gone on, I’ve had to pull other things in as well. Every day is a concentrated effort in coping, in feeling alive.

Maybe there’s a medication that would make that unnecessary, but I don’t want that. I want to make the effort every day to find a way to be okay. I think that’s important. I am conscious. I am feeling and being and claiming moments as mine, whatever that takes. I truly do mean whatever it takes. My mental health is the very first thing on my mind, all the time. Being okay is the only thing that matters. I think that’s all that really matters. If that means doing things others don’t like, don’t agree with,or don’t understand, who cares? I am the only one who has to live my life. And I will live my life. I will look upon my life and say yes, I was alive, I lived to be alive. And that may sound selfish, but really, we can’t be anything good for anyone else if we are not, first and foremost, focused on being okay within.

I feel a lot. I feel sad and hurt and worried and scared and happy and joyful and thankful and excited and curious and intrigued and annoyed and bored and angry and encouraged and loved and loving and sexual and disappointed and discouraged and silly and safe and peaceful and sincere and free. I feel intensely, and I feel free.

And perhaps, that’s what matters the most to me, feeling gives me freedom. It gives me freedom to do and say and be whatever I need to be when I feel. And it gives me something to do something with.

Sometimes that means I leave dishes in the sink for a few days. It means clothes pile up in my closet floor, it means I layer today’s eye makeup over yesterdays because I never got around to washing my face. It means sometimes I turn in paperwork late, sometimes I eat excessive junk food, or sometimes I eat pasta for a week straight. It means sometimes drink a lot of wine and read a book in a day, sometimes I work out for an hour and count my calories. It means sometimes I hang out with a bunch or people and sometimes I ignore everyone’s calls and texts. It means sometimes I watch tv all day in my pajamas and then clean the house at 2am. It means I talk to people other people think I shouldn’t talk to, go places other people think I shouldn’t go. It means I keep secrets and tell lies, I drive around for no reason, I stay up late and get up early. It means I find random things to engage in that give me joy or reflect meaning. It means sometimes I’m on a wild goose chase to get right with myself, seeking out, taking in everything I can and doing something with it, making it mean something.

It means I claim my life for me, and no one else gets to tell me how to do it, no one else gets to tell me how to live. And I struggle with that. I struggle with the responsibilities I have (by choice and consequence) and the way I want to, need to, crave to live. I am not where I want to be. But I am trying.

And yes, sometimes, I have to fight the quiet veiling darkness, the numb, the desperate sadness, the ache that makes me feel useless, that makes everything seem pointless, the fog that stops me from feeling, from doing anything. Sometimes, I have to do anything I can to make that fog go away. Anything. Usually that means feeling something. Sometimes it means feeling something someone else would say is inappropriate. I don’t care. I am, intrinsically, oppositional and independent. I need to feel. I need that rush, that movement, that stimulation of my senses, of my self. I need it consistently.

There is nothing wrong with me. I am, And that is fine.

Maybe I was supported enough as a child, gifted enough with attractiveness and intelligence and caring parents and a safe environment that my madness will always be beautiful. Maybe it will always be manageable, because I was able to cultivate it in my quiet room, on my peaceful gravel road. Maybe because I was held in and up by the standards of my environment, my natural attributes, and these things gave me something that makes it possible for me to not quite lose it, left me feeling some kind of responsibility to manage it. Maybe I dove into wife-hood and motherhood and a profession in mental health to hold me here, to keep me here, to keep me from falling off the wagon of the functioning world completely, to keep me weaving myself between the two worlds.

I don’t know. I don’t know exactly how it works out that I can do this and some people can’t. I don’t know how it will be as my life goes on. I know it keeps me thinking, it keeps me trying, it keeps me praying, it keeps me creating, it keeps me seeking, it keeps me offering myself in the field I work in. I see brilliance in people where others see none. I want to do what I can to help people do what they have the potential for.  Because I know it’s there. I will offer what I can to give it some space to be something more. It is part of me being okay.

And there is a great possibility that my consistent brokenness and the efforts I make to cope with it is what will keep me alive, is the key to everything great I will ever do or be.

I’d like to start this by stating that I don’t think I’ve ever actually used the phrase “Oh Snap”, but it popped into my head when I was thinking of a title, so, there it is.

This week, after participating in a forum held at a church regarding the “resignation” of a popular preschool director, I gathered the final fuel for the fire that burns the words onto these pages (okay, they’re screens). See, this fire has been smoldering for several years, but at first, there was too much anger. And then too much apathy. And now, I’m somewhere between the two.

Money, religion, and politics are always hot button issues each in their own right, and this is about the twisted presentation of the three as one. A trinity of sorts. The fact that the starting point of this essay (for lack of anything better to call it) focuses on the happenings of a preschool  may not grab you at first, but I promise, it all connects to a bigger picture, so give me a chance to draw it all together as best as I can.

See, the previously mentioned forum was to address concerns parents had regarding a forced resignation of a preschool director who ran a church preschool as a ministry. How do I know it was forced? Because I bore witness to 4 months of passive aggressive harassment and mistreatment. On top of that, I know this church has a dismal track record of doing this same thing over and over. In 10 years, they have managed to go through something like 11 pastors, countless interim pastors, multiple music directors and secretaries, and now a preschool director.

At some point, a church should start asking themselves what they’re doing wrong. You can’t play victim forever. And all of this doesn’t even include members who have left or been forced out. The fact that people officially “resign” does not, in fact, make this any more acceptable of a situation. It just means they took the highest road they could when pushed too far and treated too poorly. It doesn’t take a genius to see that something is wrong here. Passionate, dedicated professionals who just “resign” and don’t even have the opportunity to tell those they’ve ministered to good-bye because following the acceptance of their “resignation” they were told to remove themselves and their belongings that day? That fails to make sense to me. Unless, the resignation were forced and those responsible were waiting for the day to come. Unless, they are trying to sweep whatever ugliness that precipitated the “resignation” under the rug as quickly as possible. Unless, they want to spin a story to sell to the congregation…

It’s disheartening that people do this kind of thing to one another in the corporate world, in the secular world. But in a self-proclaimed Christian atmosphere? It’s disgusting and unacceptable. And this was, I strongly believe, about money and politics, at least at it’s inception. I do believe that it then continued to be motivated by several other selfish, greedy things. Which just takes it up another level or two on the unacceptability scale. Here’s the thing, instead of keeping records and making profits, this preschool was letting parents slide on tuition when they lost their jobs and giving money to those who needed it.  They paid their teachers and bought supplies and hosted programs and whatever was left was used to help someone. Because they ran it like a ministry. And it ran well. It was well appreciated.

While the church itself fell apart over and over, the preschool carried on strong and steady, under strong and steady leadership, dedicated to ministry. All of the sudden, 10 years into this, the church decided to jump in and try to begin to run it like a business, while concurrently undermining the current leadership (was the church leadership jealous or intimidated by the preschool success?)  in any way possible without being completely overt (but it wasn’t that hard to see, if you’ve seen this kind of thing before). Well, I don’ t know how familiar they are with this verse in Matthew 21:12 “And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves”, but it sounds to me like Jesus was pretty mad about the church being utilized for financial gain. So, you give that a shot and we’ll see how well that works out for you in the long run, particularly since you’ve been so extremely successful in the past.

Now, I know a church is an institution ran by imperfect people. I get that. I know even a church has bills to pay and has to organize itself (it is organized religion). But a church is also intended to serve a higher purpose. A church should be held to a higher standard and the members of a church should hold themselves and one another to a higher standard of acting and living in faith and love. This means your faith should always outweigh your funds. This means your  love should always outweigh your differences. This means you hold one another accountable.

This means you basically don’t do sneaky, hateful, hurtful, greedy, selfish things over and over to one another without ever accepting responsibility, without ever being called out and incited to accept some responsibility for words and actions, without ever being urged to change, to become better.  I think sometimes people think if they just sit by and watch it happen, they aren’t  actually part of it, they aren’t culpable. But you are. If you know something is happening that is wrong and you do nothing, you are complicit. You are allowing it. You are agreeing with it. You are part of it. Your silence, your averted gaze, your acceptance of the unacceptable is pathetic, weak-minded, and weak-faithed. Didn’t anybody tell you that you have to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything? (the country singer Aaron Tippin told me when I was about eight).You’re being foolish if you think it doesn’t matter what you don’ t do. It matters just as much, if not more, than what you do.

This lack of faith-action is the thing that convicted me to leave the church. To extract myself from my employment, my teaching position, my board of education membership, ministry training team participation, choir membership, and, in a way, my family legacy within the church. I just had to walk away. Because no one wanted to hold elders, board members, deacons,  and deaconesses (do you think they were good tithers?) accountable for words and actions that were hurtful. No one wanted to hold each other accountable for anything. No one wanted to step out of their comfort zone and do anything, question anything, grow in faith. They just wanted to keep on keeping on, sweeping things under rugs and calling that “letting it go”. No one wanted to even consider rocking the boat, just a little, in the name of maybe, possibly, become better people, more honest, more intent on true service and the true purpose of the church. People were too comfortable (or wrapped up) to question it all.

That’s all I wanted, some kind of action. I was told “people aren’t perfect”. I didn’t need, desire, or expect them to be. I just wanted us to practice what we preach. I wanted to see movement. I didn’t need to be chided like a child and told to let it go. No, no, no. I would not let it go without some acknowledgment. While I loved and still love those people, I was not okay with the way the church was operating within. On politics. That was not okay and I would not be complicit. Does that mean I am unforgiving? No. I harbored no hate or ill will. I just wanted people to step up. But for some insane reason, people in churches are scared to stand up to each other, even in love, even in sincere, honest love of one another. People in churches are scared. Or lazy. Operating so much on pretense that purpose is lost. It’s the stupidest thing. It’s because of money and politics.

People with money in church (the “good tithers”),  people who are part of the politics, are wrapped up, under control of the little power they exercise among one another, never truly free, but believing they have a position that allows them some sort of inherent “rights”. Then you have those that aren’t involved in either, who are lazy, complacent, or wearing blinders- allowing those with the “power” to just do what they do while you just show up for the ride and take it all at face value. Either way, it does nothing for the church. And it makes me want to overthrow some tables.

That situation has settled itself  for me through the years, and I am again darkening the doors of churches, but not without a good bit of cynicism and criticism for the way churches (and the people in them) operate. And I think that’s healthy and perfectly acceptable. I do not need church to have God. But I do feel that church can be a good avenue, a good tool, a good community in relation to God. Churches have the possibility to do and be so much. That’s why it bothers me when people abuse and misuse the church from within, while pretending to have the best interest of the church at heart. They are undermining all the church could be.  It could be so much more than what it is, but quite honestly, it’s been so defeated by and in itself that it’s hard to even take it seriously or see it’s potential anymore.

At the forum, we were supposed to ask questions. One of mine was: What are you doing, as a church, to prevent this from happening again? Have you identified a problem, a connection to all the upheaval that occurs here? What are you going to do different? The pastor never answered my question. He didn’t answer anyone’s questions. He repeated himself over and over, and tried to sidetrack us. I found him to be an insipid, shallow, condescending, jerk who only knew enough to know he had nothing of substance to present, so he just filled up time with an empty run-around of words. If anyone takes him seriously as a leader, then they fall into the same category I just placed him in. If that sounds ugly, I’m not sorry. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Just like with anything else, people need to utilize some critical thinking when engaging in church. You can not just let yourself be fed things by “leaders” of anything, even (and especially) a church or any religious institution. Whatever you are told, you have to evaluate within yourself and run it through your own conversation and journey of faith.  Otherwise, what does it really mean? What are you really going to do with it? Why does it matter? If you can’t even take the time and energy to process it and own it within you, then how are you going to be able to do anything worthwhile with it? And most importantly, how are you going to be sure you’re not being lead astray??

Just because someone managed to become a minister, or a church leader of any kind, does not mean they are automatically a valid and positive leader. A pastor is not above their congregation (or anyone else). They are not holier or more righteous or any closer to God  than anyone else. They are someone who feels called to serve in a particular way, in a particular setting. They are not in charge of you or the church. And quite honestly, in a church, it’s really a family, a team, a community, so “leadership” should be spread out and checks and balances should always be in place. Because there will always be politics in church, just like there will be money. So there should at least be an effort made to utilize the organization, the institution that is a church more effectively towards it’s higher purpose. Otherwise, what are you doing? And why?

The thing about money, religion, and politics is that as powerful as they are, love trumps them all. In love, there is faith, there is joy, there is hope, there is mercy, there is grace, there is encouragement, there is purpose, there is drive, there is passion, there is determination, there is promise, there is commitment, there is patience, there is generosity, there is freedom, there is acceptance, there is humility.

If  a church is not something that can really radiate and spread the love and faith associated with God, if it’s not a place where it is made known the reality and possibility of a body of believers who put faith and love above money, religion and politics, then maybe someone should change the name of it  and stop messing up and watering down the concept of “church”.

Shouldn’t a church be a place where people, though imperfect, try to be better all the time? A place where people encourage this in each other, even if that means apologizing or calling someone out sometimes? Shouldn’t it be a place where people aren’t scared of thinking for themselves or taking a stand?  And above all, shouldn’t it be a place where people try to put love first? Didn’t Christ do these things? Aren’t Christians modeling their life after Christ? He was poor, he was homeless, he was never in line with the politics of the day, he was always doing and saying things officials and religious leaders didn’t like.

Through Christ, don’t Christians believe they have a direct line to God? If so, everyone’s on the same page here, everyone has equal access to God regardless of power or position, regardless of class or status, regardless of sin. Wasn’t Christ  pushing people out of their comfort zones? Wasn’t he dining with prostitutes and touching lepers? Wasn’t he turning over the moneychanger’s tables? Wasn’t he was consistently out of any place any one would consider a comfort zone? Considering the politics and religions of his time and place, wasn’t he part of an anti-political, anti-religious  movement? Wasn’t  he was teaching people the one true comfort zone is in God, in God’s love, in love, in the belief of love, the faith of love. Not money, not religion, not politics or the supposed power or these things- God. Love. The power of God’s love in us, around us, through us.

Love first. Love. First. All else would follow. All the programs and budgets and committees and initiatives and sermons and ministries would follow. God is love. God loves all of us. Those who love God, love others. Love first.

How novel.

So, last year, I made a list of things to do that year. It was a really long list, and I knew I wouldn’t do all of the things I listed. But I felt like the act of identifying them and writing them down would help me to be more conscious of them throughout the year, kind of speak them into existence, at least in my mind, and help me seize opportunities, or seek them, or enjoy them more when they do happen.  So as this year begins, I decided to look over them and see what I had done, hadn’t done, and what I still wanted to do.

Here are not all, but a few:

Take Natalie to the circus (did this)

Go to Worhol exhibit at the Mint Museum (talked to Dad about it, but never did it)

Take road trip to with Carol to see Julie in Atlanta (did it)

Visit Seagrove (didn’t do it)

Go fishing at Smith Lake (did it)

Go to the batting cages (didn’t do it)

Play softball, or join a choir, or take a summer class ( was part of a community choir for christmas)

Actually turn in grad school paper (didn’t do it)

Go camping (did it)

Visit the lake more than once (did it)

Decrease our debt (ha)

Clean out work crap (partially…)

Get a dog?? (did it!)

Go to every book club meeting (did it)

Earn billing bonus at work (did it)

Go to urban prayer room (found it, but didn’t realize I did)

Take Natalie to Symphony Pops (didn’t do it)

Organize work stuff (did it, but that was short lived)

Go hiking (didn’t do it)

Go canoeing (didn’t do it)

Make and keep dentist appt (didn’t do it last year, but I did it this year, already)

Lean to play a song decently on the psaltry (didn’t do it)

This year, I’ve been wanting to make another list, and the one I came up with looks like this:

More peace

More slow

More faith

More love

More fellowship

More leadership

More growth

More nature

More living

More experience

More intimacy

More connectedness

More leaps

More writing

More music

More meditation

More movement

More preparation

More consciousness

More presence

More acceptance

More seeking

More open

More joy

More light

Last year, I wanted to be specific. I felt like I needed this, this particular kind of specifics…and this year, I think I need this kind of specifics…I may come up with some actual events and places/things I want to make an effort to do…maybe by the month. I feel like I got into the habit of being much more active in my life through the past year, as I had fallen into a place where it now takes a concerted effort to be ALIVE.  I’ve also been experimenting with ways to record this, because I do believe that documentation is important. As great a memory as I have, without documenting with words or pictures or something, I tend to lose track of the precious little pieces that really make things, that make the daily moments beautiful, that make me feel alive…this year, I will keep living. I will keep making the conscious effort to be ALIVE, whatever that may entail in the day to day, that is my commitment.

May the year begin…

1. Put Your iTunes or music player on shuffle

2. For the first 5 songs that come up, list the title and artist and explain why you have that song on your music player

3. For the next 5, list the title and artist and any memory, person, or other association you make when you hear the song

4. For the next 5 songs, list the title and artist and describe your favorite part of the song

5. List the last 5 songs you added

6. Tag whoever you want, so they can also have an excuse to randomly listen to and talk about 20 songs (because, really, who doesn’t want to do that?)

(First 5 and why):

1. ATLiens by Outkast.

Because I went to Northeast Middle School, and we knew how to throw our hands in the air and wave ’em like we just don’t care. No, really. This is probably the first Outkast song I heard and instantly loved it. It’s colder than a polar bears toenails :p

2. ( If you’re wondering if I want you to) I want you to by Weezer.

Because this song makes me happy.

3. Travel is stressful by Harvard.

I bought the whole album sometime last year and even though this song is fairly short (and wordless), and I maybe wouldn’t have bought it if I were only buying specific songs, I really like it and obviously like the band as a whole, or I wouldn’t have bought the album). It transitions throughout (so it keeps you interested) and is good to write to.

4.The Mixed Tape by Jack’s Mannequin.

I don’t know, I looked up Jack’s Mannequin, listened to some songs and this one stood out. It does make me think of One Tree Hill for some reason, but I swear that’s not why I like it. Probably.

5. Fullfill the Dream by Minus the Bear.

It just grabbed me, and I took it. For some reason, I skip it a lot when it comes on, but when I sit and listen to it (like now) I remember how much I like it…

(Next 5 and memory/association)

6. O-O-H Child by The Five Stairsteps.

I love this song so much. It makes me think of my childhood, because my mom always had it on the oldie’s station in the car. It makes me happy. And kind of makes me want to sway and clap. And makes me feel like I’m in a movie, where they are playing a music montage while the main character overcomes all their obstacles in 3 minutes. ha.

7. Deliverance by Sick Puppies.

This instantly makes me think of Amos’ Southend and Coor’s Light. And Jason and Amanda and Brian and Adam and Kim and Sonny. And my eardrums vibrating.

8. More than This by Matt Nathanson.

Honestly this makes me think of Sam Schipman. I think because she and I both posted on fb one time about wanting to see Matt Nathanson when he was in town. Hi Sam! Did you ever get to see him? I have not.

9. Small Town Saturday Night by Hal Ketchum.

First, I need to say this is one of my favorite songs to sing along to. I will play it over and over again just so I can keep singing it. It makes me think of the farm, of gravel roads and old pickup trucks and fields and sunshine and moonlight. And I was probably “Lucy” growing up. “Lipstick on a little too bright… just a kid along for the ride…”

10. .44 Caliber Love Letter by Alexisonfire.

This band  makes me think of David Turner. I don’t know why. David, did you like this band in high school? Maybe wear the shirt? Otherwise, it makes me think of driving. It’s a good driving song.

(And the next next 5 and favorite part)

11. Sailed Away by Saving Abel.

One thing I like is how it’s a little different speed than some of their other stuff. These lines are my favorite part. “Push so hard, you’ve got to know that, you might just get what you wanted. I found out on my own, just what I was missing”

12. Sick and Tired by Nappy Roots and Anthony Hamilton.

It’s hard to pick a favorite part here, I love the harmonica in the background, the group effort, the combined voice chorus “I’m tired of running and ducking when I hadn’t done nothing -Do something then”. “First you learn to maintain, then you relay the change”

13. Let it Go by Escape the Fate.

So, the chorus is really catchy, but my very favorite part is “I’m on the verge of a crackdown, I’m freaking out, got a bottle of Jack down”. His voice definitely sounds like he’s having a crackdown, and probably has a bottle of Jack down. For real. I like the wailing guitar too…who doesn’t?

14. Gotta have you by The Weepies.

The chorus is my favorite part, no doubt, because it’s true, it’s a pretty, easy to listen to song, but it’s true, and that’s why I love it. “No amount of coffee, no amount of crying, no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine no, no, no, no, no- nothing else will do, I’ve gotta have you.”

15. White Mystery by Minus the Bear

“Her body’s over the covers and there’s nothing wrong with a single inch”. Don’t we all want someone to tell us that? There’s more I could say, about how the music fits the title, it feels, it sounds, like a White Mystery…but I don’t know how to further explain that…

(most recently added)

16. No Letting Go by Wayne Wonder

17. Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

18. Emergency by Paramore

19. Hit or Miss by New Found Glory

20. Lost in love by I-15

I’m not doing well today. I’m not doing poorly, I’m just…still off, or off again…I don’t know….

I should be great. I had dinner with friends last night, Jason started his job this week, I got offered two positions at work and got to choose the one I wanted most…which means I will soon be learning and doing new things…something is just….

I feel like I need to be somewhere different. I don’t know if that’s literal or metaphorical….

On a complete other hand, Caribou started carrying oatmeal. I’m more of a grits kind of girl, but I’ve got to say, this is good. And it’s got 15 grams of protein. So that’s good as well. Maybe I can get back on track with taking care of myself…sometimes, God, I don’t know, just sometimes….