My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for the ‘fear, worry, anxiety, etc’ Category

Sometimes, I think about the blessings I have and I don’t understand. Material things that I don’t necessarily want or need. And then there are these other intangible things that I do want or need. And I feel guilty because I still have so much more than so many others. And I feel sad because I would give up so much to just have the things I really want.

I feel like I should be happy with what I have and do something good and cherish it all, because they are certain blessings.

And I feel like I should be working towards being the person who has what they really want. I have to keep the faith. I have to fake it til I make it, I suppose.

And I have this fear, underneath these other things…that the thing I crave the most is something I am not ready for, something I would mess up if I had it…

so I’m thinking, I should work towards keeping it, even though I don’t have it…I have to believe in the timing, the cosmic timing of it.

I am hungry and tired. Why do I feel that way so much?

My perspective is off this weekend. I feel this weird sort of feeling. I need someone to bounce it off of. I need that thing I always need. I just want to know that everything’s okay.

I guess I’ll just believe it is.

Sometimes, that means moving through the motions of a life, of a day, with my mind and heart far away. As if all of this life is just moonlighting for the real deal that seems just right beyond my grasp, that I get the smallest taste of every once in a while. (the sweetest taste. my most favorite thing. a moment that makes everything else fade away and…it’s too much to write even…)

And regret…regret is useless but tempting. As if it could change anything. Particularly anything a decade old. All I can do is trust this road that has managed to…to allow me some hope and prepare myself for the life I want…there must be a purpose in the blessings, the needs, the moments, the struggle. There’s got to be a purpose in the struggle.

I’m all stirred up and haven’t been able to pour it into anything yet (or onto anyone yet).

 

Trust

Posted on: September 8, 2011

You need to trust yourself. Your rhythm. Your instinct. Trust your hesitation. Trust your exuberance. Quiet yourself and listen. Listen. All the answers are right there. The answers need you to trust them The answers need you to have faith in the process. To have faith in the cosmic timing of everything. To have faith in the ability of love. Not just a lover’s love, but love.

To stop biting your tongue, to be honest, does not have to be harsh or angry or defensive, it just has to be confident. It requires you to trust yourself, to trust your knowledge and your needs. To trust your questions.

Trust. Breathe.

If your voice within says wait, then wait. If your voice within says go, then go. And just do this, just do all this one step at a time, one moment at a time.

And trust, trust the path your voice is laying out before you.

Be gracious, be kind, be thoughtful in your movements. Be ready for resistance. And be ready to see the right doors open up just in time.

Trust, child, trust.

You can do amazing things, the things you were made for. You just have to trust.

musing

Posted on: June 20, 2011

Sometimes it hits me hard, quick and hard, what I know about people’s lives now. That I know there are children that were systematically sexually and emotionally abused by their families. Children pimped out by their mothers for drugs. Children tied up in sheds fed like dogs. These sound like news stories, but the thing about news stories is they are real. This is real. I have met these people. I have sat across from them, hugged them, driven them places in my car, laughed with them, seen their constant struggles and frustrations and disappointments and confusions. Their sadness, their underlying hurt and doubt and fear and anger. And I can’t go back and make sure that someone held them and took care of them and made them laugh and feel safe. Like children should.

Heartbreaking is not the word. It hurts my soul. It’s just there are so many ways to be lucky, to be blessed, to be wealthy. And there are so many ways to be poor. Most of us are a little of both. Rich in some things, poor in others. They don’t cancel one another out.

I just hate, really hate, what some people are robbed of. And I just really want to see us all taking care of one another. To be connected…I can’t pinpoint it right now, but it makes a difference.

 

 

Purgatory

Posted on: May 18, 2011

Sometimes, there is just this restlessness. I don’t know what to do with it. I feel antsy and trapped. I feel like I can never really breathe, like I’m waiting for something…something to set me free. I feel like I have no place to be. I feel groundless, but not in a way that is okay.

I feel like I’m just biding my time until I can do what I’m really supposed to be doing. Nothing fits, nothing feels right, there is an unrest. I don’t know what to do with that, where to go with that. It unravels me. It makes me feel not okay with no rhyme or reason to why, or what, or how. I feel like there is something upon me that I need to shake off and I’m too apprehensive to do this, too fearful of the repercussions. Fearful maybe that I will shake the wrong thing off? Or do it the wrong way, at the wrong time? I don’t know, I just don’t feel well.

Part of me wants to crawl into bed and call in sick (from my whole entire life) but the other part of me is pushing me to keep trying to figure this out.

I’m afraid it will end with me breaking down in a parking lot somewhere.

Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do?

And I don’t know why I have to write it out, I don’t know why I have to post it. But I do. Ridiculous.

As a general practice, I try to keep some things private or vague when blogging, just because it generally seems like a good thing to do. But right now, I just want to be utterly and painstakingly honest. I just need to be. On the very off chance that my husband happens upon this, I’m sorry if I revealed more than you are comfortable with.  But none of it is your fault, or something you should feel or be ashamed of. It’s life. It’s just honesty.

My husband was laid off today (along with several other members of his shift and some long-time office staff and truck drivers who had 15 years + with the company). He has been at this job since January of this year (10 months). He loved this job. He recently blacked out at work and could not wait till the doctors cleared him so that he could get back. (It turned out to be a medication related thing, not a seizure as initially thought). Prior to that he was employed by a local school system in the mechanic and landscaping departments. He began there in August and was laid off in April due to budget cuts system wide (this school system is now closing schools, laying of principals, teachers, and all other variety of staff). Prior to that he was at a trucking company for 5 years. He was laid off due to decreased business/budget cuts. They have since continued to lay off long time staff, some within a year or two of retirement.

His first lay off happened in January 2008. We had just bought our home in October 2007 (3 months prior). Our daughter had just turned 2. We just spent the last of our tax refund on planting bushes around our property line in the back yard. He spent 8 months, until August 2008, unemployed. At first, I was just sure he’d get something soon. I didn’t ask anyone for help, I just used our credit cards to pay bills and figured we’d be back on our feet in no time, pay it all down and off and move on. Thankfully I work full time and was able to put myself and our daughter on my insurance (decreasing my take home pay). We didn’t put him on my insurance. It was another 50$ a paycheck and we figured he would get something soon enough.

Once he found a job,  he took a 4$/hr pay cut.  He was miserable at the job itself. He had to have emergency gall bladder surgery only a few weeks into the job and was out of work for 6 weeks. Thankfully, my mom worked for the same school system (she’s now laid off too) and was able to donate her excess of PTO to him, so we didn’t have to go without pay for 6 weeks. Also, thankfully as a state employee, his insurance had already kicked in.

He had that job for 8 months. He was laid off in April of 2009. He did not get another job until January of 2010. That was 9 months unemployed. When he found this job he had to take another 2$ pay cut from his last job. That’s an 8$/hr pay cut from when we bought this house. that’s a $1200/month deficit. He had this job 10 months. Only one month longer than it took to find this job.

I have received a slight raise since this happened. We had to stop paying credit cards. They are in collections. Every single bill is late. We have 2 credit cards and 2 loans we are trying to keep up along with my car payment, house payment, car insurance, power, natural gas, water, internet ( I need for work), cell phones (we don’t have a land line), gas for our cars, groceries, and clothing/medical/misc. We’ve both looked for 2nd jobs. I have applied for and been turned down for mortgage loan modifications and the Making Home Affordable program (bet your ass I’m trying again). Thankfully my mother in law watches my daughter when she’s not in preschool. Also thankfully, my mother in law covers Natalie’s preschool tuition, as she used to get it free when my mother in law worked at her preschool and though she doesn’t anymore, she has still generously and lovingly offered to pay her MWF preschool tuition.

At some point and time over the past few years, our water has been cut off, our natural gas has been cut off, our phones have been cut off, our tv service has been cut off, we had a threat of our home being foreclosed, and of my car being repossessed. I’ve bounced checks and overdrafted our bank account (usually just to get groceries to cover until our next paycheck). Last year, right at the end of the year, we were negative in the bank and I seriously rolled quarters to get us to the next paycheck. Not to mention the endless phone calls of bill collectors. Our parents have helped us. Our friends have helped us. Our church has helped us. No one has much though. But they are generous and gracious. With the exception of one. I won’t be that honest though. There’s just no need. Just to say, I do have it thrown in my face that I owe money. Not just by bill collectors.

Somehow, we’re still here. But I’m really tired. Every month, I am hustling our money around, bargaining and begging and I’m just tired. I have no long term plan. I’m just trying to get through a week. I have, though, rediscovered my love of bargain shopping, goodwill hunting, consignment, and yard sales. I really do enjoy those things. Mostly.

I’m just dreading what’s coming. Because we’ve been here before. Everyone I’ve talked to has said “It’ll be okay”. And at this point, I don’t really doubt that anymore. We’ve come this far. I don’t really doubt provision. I’m just tired. I just don’t know what will happen to me between now and the time that it’s “okay”. I just want to be able to pay my bills. All of them. On time. I just want my husband to have a job he enjoys, that is secure, that he feels good about, that pays him what he’s worth. While I’m at it, I want a job that I feel good about that pays me what I’m worth.But seriously…

I’m dreading his job search. Him being home, bored, bummed, and no longer medicated. He’s on a medication for his OCD/anxiety that is 240$ without insurance. He’s going off of the medication now, since he won’t have insurance. He thinks it will be fine. But I remember. And it’s not fine. I may go fucking insane. Or become a day drinker. Either way…

I know we are blessed. I do not for a minute deny that. That doesn’t mean I’m not tired.

I cried for at least an hour in the car today. Like a maniac. The only thing that really made me stop was driving to the coffee shop (Caribou) to meet a friend. I parked behind the dumpster and gathered myself. I wiped my face, blew my nose for the millionth time and put on makeup. Slowly. Then I downed a muscle relaxer and a pain killer that were prescribed to me for migraines by drinking water from my daughter’s sippy cup, as it was the only beverage in the car and that pain pill was big. I took a deep breath, checked my bloodshot eyes one more time and kind of wished I smoked so that I would have some eyedrops on me and stepped out of my car and spent the afternoon there. I never made it back to work that afternoon.

It’s funny, something like this doesn’t make you want to work harder to keep your job. It just makes you not give a damn. What does it matter? If they need to axe people, they axe them, doesn’t matter how many times you came to work an utter mess, or how many times you gave up seeing your kid’s thanksgiving program, or went above and beyond your job description. There’s no real formula for success, except figuring out how to enjoy your life regardless of the bullshit.

On the way home, I bought him a bottle of Crown and myself a bottle of Skinnygirl Margarita (never had it before). I called my girlfriends. I went to the grocery store and bought junk food and a dog toy. I got Chinese for our dinner. After I played with our daughter and got her into bed, I spent 28$ on Amazon because I needed to buy the book for book club and it was 4$ with free shipping if I bought 25$ worth of stuff. So I got a Christmas present for my husband and one for my daughter and some kind of luminous lotion for myself along with the book. I drank and made him a  drink and I watched Without a Trace and he played xbox and then I made cookies and cheese sticks and gave him a back rub and he’s sleeping and I’m typing the longest blog ever. And still drinking.

I forgot to mention. We got a check in the mail yesterday from Jason’s insurance company from when he blacked out at work. It was out of network for some reason, so instead of sending payment to the EMS, they sent it to him. $1200.00. For us to pay the ambulance company. I told him and my mom (who was over when I opened the mail) that we should put that shit in the bank, use it as needed and deal with the bill when it comes. It’s not like we’re worried about messing up our credit. They said no. I told them they need to get on my level. The insurance company put the check in my husband’s name, with no indication of what he was to do with it (he found out by calling this morning). I say, that’s your dumb fault if you write checks to people and expect them to pay whoever with them. Really.

As of today, my husband and my mom got on my level. They said, in essence, pay bills with that shit. I said. Thank you. It’s about damn time.

Also, my husband finally decided to do without satellite. I grew up with only like 8 channels, so I’m okay with going back to tv minimal life. Between Netflix and Hulu, I think we’ll be just fine. Our daughter will be most irritated at first probably, but you know, she’s young, she’ll adjust. She probably watches way too much anyways.

He’s so bummed. I keep forgetting this is real. Like it’s a joke and I’m waiting for the punchline. He gets two weeks severance. He put in for unemployment already. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a “Welcome back!” message when he signed on. I know he’s tired too. He did start taking online classes a few months ago, for wildlife conservation. He has time to catch up on classes now…

Things like this do make you shake off the rest of the world for a minute. Kind of a “Fuck you, I don’t give a shit what you think or want right now” kind of thing and that’s relieving sometimes. Actually my true self is very similar to this, I just have come so far from that true self lately. It’s kind of nice to be there again, regardless of circumstances. Because the truth of the matter is this: not only is there no formula for success (besides finding a way to be happy in spite of the bullshit), but there’s also no way to really walk the line between giving damn and not giving a damn. Pretty sure Reese Witherspoon told this to Joaquin already, In “Walk The Line” but you know, I guess I try most of the time to keep some kind of middle ground. But you know, I’m tired. I guess what I have to figure out is what exactly it is I’m tired of and what’s keeping me from letting it go…

In the meantime…we’re a single income household again. We’re a drawing unemployment household with an uninsured adult male not receiving the medication he needs family again. Oh fucking well. Gotta roll with the punches, right?

So much of our life is about perception.

What if everything is okay, right now, always? What if we’re missing it the whole time because of how we’re looking at it? What if nothing was not okay?

What if our expectations, standards, and perspectives are the only thing making things not okay? What if we were to stop thinking in terms of right and wrong, to stop trying to make everything fit into an equation or a diagram, to stop thinking in  “should” and “shouldn’t s”. How would this change us?

So many of us are fed such stringent stories and guidelines of faith and prayer and God that even if well intentioned (and I’m not sure it always is), it hinders us. Because there are discrepancies in the kind of belief you have before you see so many perceived bad things happen to perceived good people.  Before you realize that no matter how much someone plays by the rules they can still lose it all or get burned.  Before you see suffering and sickness and death strike with no order, not passing over the faithful. When you’re really out there living, nothing is like it was taught to you, you have to find for yourself what your faith is, what your prayer is, who your God is.

You have to find what’s within you, you have to build within yourself. The more you have within you, the less you need from anyone, anything else. And, ultimately, the more you have within you, the less you have to lose from around you.

This is how I come to belief- from within, from the place where I am defining for myself what belief is, who God is, what prayer is. From the place where I am letting go of all the definitions I’ve been fed.

I have decided that prayer is about energy, and belief. It is communion, it is communication. It is the way we live, our lives are prayers. And the times we stop to pray, we are aligning ourselves with the energies around us, we are drawing respite and renewal, we are releasing negativity, requesting assistance, we are communicating, we are connecting, we are believing that prayer matters, that our concerns matter, that we matter, that God exists, and that God cares, that God is able.

I have decided that belief is a choice. It is how I choose to interact with myself and my world. Belief, like love, is not earned, it is an effort from within.

I believe we can choose what to do with the shatter that comes into our lives. And that sometimes (or maybe all the time) it takes something falling apart for us to really dig in and develop some depth to faith and belief. I believe that belief is a choice to constantly make, I believe that the act of belief is a defiance of fear, circumstance, hate, and ugliness.

I think we get chances all the time to choose belief, or choose anything else in it’s place. And I think we have to be careful of what we choose, because there’s only so much room in us. I think that it’s something to constantly reconsider, redefine, and reshape as our lives and hearts and minds move through this life.

I think the dirtier we get believing, the more we know about what we believe. I think laying down belief for a little bit due to anger, disappointment, doubt, etc, allows us to see ourselves and our world without it and allows us to decide if we want it back and what amendments we want or have to make to it. I think it takes seeing what our faith is not to know what it is. I think that all of these things make our faith not only more authentic for us, but to others as well.

I believe not blindly and not because my world hasn’t shattered, but because it has, and I have laid down belief and I know who I am without belief and I don’t like that person. I believe because I have to if I’m going to get up in the morning, because I need to, because I want to. I believe, even knowing that bad things do happen, have happened, can happen, will happen.

I believe we are part of something so much bigger than we can see, something that we only occasionally get a glimpse at, still unsure what it creates in the big picture. Like a stained glass mural or patchwork quilt, a symphony; all the pieces needing the others to make the masterpiece.

I believe because I’m a fighter and I’ll fight off darkness with belief because I don’t have room for both in me. And while I know I have to enter the dark at times, I will fight to keep it from entering me. And I don’t always succeed at that, but I will keep defying it.

I have seen that there are tunnels and there is light. I believe not because I always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but because I know there is a light. I believe knowing that there is light before and after the tunnel; and there is a tunnel before and after the light. I believe that with each light, I can take for myself a portion to carry through the next tunnel, and I can do this until the tunnel has no more room for darkness, and I am with the light all the time. But I have to keep moving and I have to keep pushing the darkness out with the light; within me, around me, before me.

There is a beautiful release in belief and I think we talk about that a lot, but we don’t always talk about the battle. And it is both. Freedom comes at a price. It always has.

Because fear is an enemy, an army. Fear debilitates, censors, triggers the ugliest places in us, limits us, locks us into panic rooms with no light, no air.  Fear is a wolf that comes to our door in sheep’s clothing and devours us.  Fear paralyzes, marbleizes, tethers us to dry and barren places and tells us they are safe zones.  Fear is a lie.

Belief is defiance of fear.  Belief is free and open and empowering.  Belief breathes life into us.  Belief unchains us from regulations and codes and methods that were designed to control us with fear, manipulating our desire for control and sense of security.  The only security I’ve found is belief. The only freedom I’ve found is belief.

So, through this, I’ve decided that I believe this about God:

When God is small, when God is punishing, when God is vengeful, when God is abandoning, when God is limited, when God is no longer magnificent and loving and graceful and magical and majestic and caring and powerful and a worker of miracles, it is because we have perceived God as such. It doesn’t mean any of those things are God, it just means that is what we have decided God is, and so, for us, that’s what God is.

When God is timeless and present and kind and understanding, it is because we believe God is so. When God is magnificent and loving and graceful and magical and majestic and caring and powerful and the worker of miracles, it is because we allow God to be these things in our lives, because we perceive God to be these things and with this perception, we bust the doors of our souls wide open and anything is possible.

I believe in God with us, in us, for us. God as companion, God as love, God as compassion, God as service, God as an artist, God as beauty, God as powerful, God as present, God as supernatural.

I believe God loves me fully, passionately, unconditionally, irrevocably, honestly, adoringly, and lives in me, around me, with me, through me. I believe this is true for everyone.

I truly believe we find what we seek, not we we demand, not what we wish, but what we seek, actively seek.

I believe when you see God as the fullness that God is, you begin to see God everywhere. You begin to see beauty in places and people you haven’t before, you begin to see the movement of the  spirit all around.  You begin to see, because you are looking.

When I let go and just be, just believe, everything is stars and light and colors and gorgeous. Everything is what it is and that is somehow fine. I find myself in places, with people that are both blessings and sanctuaries. It’s amazing the things you can enjoy when you’re not factoring in anyone elses standards or opinions and you are just being the being that you were created to be. It’s a beautiful high.

So I believe because I need to, because I want to, because I choose to. I struggle, I crash, but I keep coming back to this. I feel the most beautiful, the most fearless, the most alive, the most inspired, the most powerful, the most passionate, the most creative, the most hopeful, peaceful, joyful, loving, and kind when I am believing the things I believe. At this point, that’s all the evidence I need.

Today

Posted on: June 15, 2010

I will never fail you nor forsake you. (Heb. 13:5)

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wing’s as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

I’m leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives. So, don’t be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27)

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters … they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God” (Isaiah 43:1-3).

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

God,

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.