My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for May 2009

There’s this guy. His name is John. Or maybe he spells it Jon. I don’t really know. I also don’t know his last name. I met him at the coffee shop. We happened to be sitting at the same table one day, because we happened to have the same friend sitting at the same table. He always has at least one book with him.  If I have the good fortune of catching him there, I usually pick up his literature and flip through it while he plays chess (usually with Adam, or maybe Mark, or possibly someone else) right before they go rock climbing. I like them, they’re good people. They don’t mind talking, or not talking, they don’t mind answering questions or asking them. They don’t mind if I sit with them and ignore them while I do other things.  They don’t seem to mind if I chatter stupidly for a while. But the truly notable thing for the purpose of this post is, he is walking across North Carolina. He started at the outer banks and is walking to the mountains (I think).

He told me when I first met him that he wanted to do this, journaling the whole experience. I think it’s a great idea. I mean, logistically there are some issues, but I hope it’s great. I’m glad he’s doing it. Mainly because he said he wanted to. I hope he’s writing about it.

It makes me think of Eustace Conway and the book “The Last American Man”. I told John/Jon to read that book. Seemed right up his alley, considering his plan. Right now, I’m reading a book I got from paperbackswap by William Least Heat-Moon. It’s called “Blue Highways”. I find it fascinating. Also fascinating, “What Should I Do With My Life” by Po Bronson. The books are not the same, but similar in ways. I’m not much for writing book reviews or summaries, so if you want to know, you’ll have to google it.

Anyways, I’m sending good vibes John/Jon’s way. Maybe I’ll run into another mutual friend soon who’s heard from him. I’m interested to know it all…how many cups of coffee do you think that would take…?

You are loved. You are so loved. Like mountains shaking, earth quaking, lightening striking, thunder rolling, volcano erupting, tidal wave forming, worlds colliding kind of loved. Like sweep you off the ground with hurricane winds kind of loved. Like opening the flood gates of heaven and pouring every glimmer of light into you kind of loved. Like safe slumber in a lion’s den, walk through fire, parting the seas kind of loved. You are sacrificially loved.

It’s as big as it is personal. And it is so personal. It is “I feel everything you feel” kind of loved. It is “I think of you, want to be with you all the time” loved. It is adoring, unprovoked, unending, unchanging loved. It is fill in every empty spot, heal every scar loved. It is arms open all the time loved. It is “I understand” loved. It is “I will help you when you ask” loved. It is all knowing (and I love you just the same) love. It is “fight the demons with you” loved. It is “you’re already forgiven” loved. It is “you can leave anytime you choose, but I’ll still be waiting” loved. It is an all consuming fire kind of loved. It is “you’ll never beat this high” kind of loved. It is “I’ll never get tired of you, or do anything to harm you” loved. It is “you’ll never be the same” kind of loved.

It is filling in the cracks kind of loved. It is creating a masterpiece kind of loved. It is “you never have to be afraid or worry again” loved. It is every highest height, widest breadth, deepest depth loved. It is bones and souls loved. It is every part loved. It is every hidden place loved. It is patient love as much as it is insistence love.  It is “give you every breath” loved. It is “you can’t lose me” love.

It is “you’re just gonna have to trust me based on my love for you” kind of love. It is “this is what it’s all about, this is all that matters” kind of loved.  It is “believe in me” love. Just believe.


Posted on: May 17, 2009

As parents, the church instructs us to model the love of God through our love for and relationship with our children (and our spouses and really, ultimately, for each other all around). The reasoning is simple: in this way, our children can begin to grasp what it is to be loved by God. What it is to accept and participate in a relationship of unconditional love. Of passionate, intense, honest, sincere, adoring love.

So many things around us speak otherwise. We are taught (even by the church) that we need to be “good enough”. We need to act and dress and speak a certain way. For whatever we want to be worthy of. That’s not true when it comes to God. There’s notihng to do about it. To earn it or lose it. You can’t. That’s the whole point of UNCONDTIONAL. No conditions apply. It is, it always has been, always will be. It’s there for the taking. Always. And there’s enough for everyone.

It’s just so hard to really take in though. Because even knowing about it, it’s hard to live with it. It’s just so truly unbelievable. And we have so many versions of love that we experience and participate in that shape our understanding of it all. If we lived with this God-love pumping through us everyday we would have no fears, no worries, no doubts, no loneliness, no lingering aches. We would truly be free. We would be unstoppable. It would be a 24/7 high.

But because love is so many things to us, through so many people, our experiences are all mixed up, the good and the bad. So we can’t fully relate to the God-love. It doesn’t always translate with our versions. But it starts at home (doesn’t it all?). So though we can’t shelter our children from society, from the various loves that they will encounter and participate in, we can do our very best to display our very best version of love for them, giving them the best chance we can of grasping, even if only for moments, the hugeness of God-love and all the power and peace and freedom that comes with it. And in doing so, maybe we will understand it more for ourselves.

Self Talk

Posted on: May 17, 2009

Sometimes, middle ground is just frustrating. Seeing every side is confusing. I guess that’s where the soundwaves come in. It’s just been so noisy lately. It knots me up, thinking about it. Everything is neverending, but I’m tired of accepting some things. I’m tired of some words I keep using. The line between content and complacent is hard to see. I’m determined to NOT be some things anymore. I’m determined to breathe. I’m determined to claim my life. I’m not a victim. Of anything. I am the champion of my life. Because, quite frankly, if I’m not, no one will be.

I can have peace and acceptance and still push, still desire, still be unsatisfied. I can be content and not be complacent. It’s okay to have whatever I have or to not have whatever I don’t have. I have to decide what I want and push for it. If I am blessed with more than others, I should not dismiss it, but take care of it, utilize it, share it. If someone is somewhere I want to be, I should work towards that place.

It’s okay to be where I am, as I am, right now, and it’s okay to move. It’s not okay to settle. It’s not okay to waste what is laid before me, on me, and in me. It is not okay to strive for others’ expectations. It is not okay to ignore my self. It is not okay to step on, or dismiss others along the way. It is not okay to give up.

It is never okay to give up. Unless giving up is giving it up, to God. Then, it is necessary. It is obvious. It is exactly right. I am (with God in me) fully capable of attaining everything in my heart. That is why it’s there. Fear is an enemy. Doubt is an enemy. They are lies from the great Liar and I will do all I can to refuse them. I refuse them. No fear, no inadequacy, no victim, no settling, no doubt. And it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be broken. Strength is not always about holding it up or holding it in, sometimes it’s about letting it go.

I will rest in the arms of the great Love, I will gather peace and strength and joy from the fountain of living water, from that quiet valley, that still pasture. I will always be able to get to that place. I am always safe. I am sure. I am not afraid. I am not tired. I am not stuck.

I am always loved- fully, passionately, unconditionally, irrevocably, honestly, adoringly, loved. And when I finally, fully embrace that, accept that, ingest that, wear that, live that, believe that, breathe that, and give myself to that, wholeheartedly- I will be completely unstoppable.

So here I go, finally, I don’t have the time I need, but I’ve got to get going with this. Keep moving, right?

Elizabeth Edwards was on Oprah recently discussing her husband’s infidelity. It was the most recent of things I’ve heard people talking about related to relationships. People have all kinds of takes on relationships, particularly marriage. What it is and isn’t. What should and shouldn’t be allowed. Blah Blah.

Here’s the thing, marriage is two people deciding they want the same thing at the same time and they want it with each other at that same time.  Deciding that no matter what else they want, they want that the most. A marriage stays together not because it was “meant to be”, but because the two people in it decide to keep it together. Maybe that just means no one’s decided to leave. Maybe it has nothing to do with love or trust or sex or even, family. It’s just a matter of place. Not about happy, but about where you are.

Deciding to get married is not really about love, it’s about right now. We may love people we never marry because we’re never in the same places. That doesn’t take away from the marriage or from the love. Love is bigger than that.

Marriage and the church have always gone hand in hand. The Bible illustrates the church as a marriage. They are institutions. God is bigger than church. Love is bigger than marriage.

All the “shoulds”, all the “supposed tos”, all the expectations, they are just standards that other people have come up with. When someone comes up with their own standard, one they dug up from the quiet, separate cavity we all have within us (should we seek it), they are dismissed or looked down upon. Because God forbid anyone make their own decisions or think for themselves. We are taught, in some manner, to fear this, to ignore this.

What would happen if we all made our own decisions? What if we all lived lives authentic to our souls? I’m no anarchist. I understand the use of rules. I understand that you can’t trust people any farther than you can throw them. I understand that people will make stupid, selfish, harmful decisions and put others at risk. But that’s not because they are living authentic lives. No, that’s something else entirely.

The thing I think that people don’t understand about making your own decisions, is that it doesn’t mean ignoring everything around you and not consulting others. It’s actually the opposite. To make a good decision, you have to take everything into account. Not just your self, but the world around you, the people around you, the known risks and possible outcomes. And even after all that, it may not turn out how you hoped, but if you really thought about it, you know that’s a possibility. We make our decisions accepting all the possible outcomes, (whether we are conscious of this or not) hoping for the one we want the most.

People are so judgmental of the decisions others make and the situations other people are in.  Like there is no margin for error. Like we all have to get it right the first time. Like people should be able to fully control their lives and stay out of bad situations. Unless it’s happening to them, then it’s someone else’s fault. Why is it always someone’s  fault? Why isn’t that, sometimes, that’s just the way it is- acknowledge it, cope with it,  and keep moving? If it is a result of a bad decision, accept that, do what you can to deal with, and keep moving. Why don’t we follow the advice we tell children and stop worrying so much about what’s going on with other people and just focus on what we are doing with our lives?

Making decisions, thinking for yourself, is not whimsical and there’s no guaranteed outcome (but then, there never is, and don’t let anyone tell you any different).

Does it take some intuition? Yes, of course. But developing intuition is a process we are all capable of. It takes a lot of self reflection. It takes taking time with your thoughts and feelings, away from anyone else. It takes processing. It takes making, finding, a quiet place and then screaming into it as loud as you need to and sitting in the soundwaves, listening to yourself.

But the thing is, it’s yours. It’s your life, and the more you claim it, with your own thoughts and your own decisions, the more alive you are. The more you are utilizing of everything you possess, the more power you have, the more peace you find, the more presence you have. The more you have within you, the less you need from anyone, anything else. And, ultimately, the more you have within you (this includes God living within you), the less you have to lose from around you.

The most important thing we can do for ourselves, for the people we love, for our children, for our country, for our world, is to find our cavern, scream into it and be changed by this. We are the catalyst for change in our lives. We are all we have. I say it all the time because it’s true.

Posted on: May 11, 2009

If I don’t have a chance to really write here soon, I’m going to go insane. Really really am… 🙂