My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for September 2008

I was thinking, when things don’t go as expected or wanted or hoped, we often become the “victim” of our life’s circumstances.  This is dangerous.  It’s fine to say, “This sucks. I’m hurt, pissed, confused, scared.”..etc.  Because you are those things and that’s okay.  It’s never not okay to feel how you feel.

And often, the quicker someone validates those feelings the quicker you can feel that you can move from them instead of just wanting someone to get it and witness this trainwreck that you, though battered, have survived.  When someone says:

“yep, that’s a trainwreck, that sucks”,

you can say,  “Yea!  It is!  Can you believe I’m still here?!?!”

Instead of someone saying:

“Well, it’s not that bad.”

To which you say: “Are you kidding?  Look at this!”  And go on and on trying to convince someone of why you have a right to feel how you feel and keeping yourself in the wreckage as a means of proof.

So, validation makes it easier to move on.  We should validate one another as an act of sheer humanity, but we should also have within us the means to validate ourselves or to seek it in divinity because humans don’t always act with the humanity we need from one another.

So then, once validated, you can stop focusing on the trainwreck and it’s horribleness and you can maybe start to see that you’ve got more control than you’re giving yourself credit for.  And for many things, you are where you are because you chose to be.  Not that we choose the specifics, because really we don’t, or can’t.  But when we make a choice, we know that there are a variety of things that could happen within that choice.  So, when we choose whatever we choose, we choose all the possible outcomes, even though we are often hoping for a specific one.

The thing about choices is that you always have them.  Most importantly, the words we choose to feed ourselves and others.  Those words shape everything.

And choosing is constant.  Every little moment is choosing.  It’s not a one time deal.  It’s over and over, which can be tough. But, the upside is: it’s over and over.  There are countless opportunities for it.

I think that’s a good thing to remember when your sitting in a trainwreck; that for every opportunity you have to make things worse, you have an equal opportunity to make things better.  And, should you realize maybe halfway through your day (or week, or life) that you haven’t exactly been choosing the “better” option, well, you have dozens of opportunites right there to start.  Which of course, is easier said than done particularly because old habits are hard to break and no matter how much we say we want change, we often like our comfortable little trainwrecks that we have gotten kind of cozy with.

I mean, say you never made it out of the trainwreck, but while there you kind of made it work Tom Hanks-Castaway style.  Even though you know there’s more out there, it may be hard to leave once you’ve become accustomed to your little trainwreck(or plane wreck). Well, you know, good job on surviving, because some wouldn’t, but why settle on solitary survival?

Posted on: September 26, 2008

Today is just a day.  There will be another one tomorrow.  And if not, all the things that are so worrisome today, won’t matter anymore.

Straight out of various (paper) journal entries:

Sometimes, thinking about the next day gives me a headache and I just don’t know if I can do it all over again. It is too hard.

Hot water/on my knees

my favorite question is why. I want to understand

Patios and rays of light/what you’re seeking/is what you find

There is such a longing I feel right here, right now

Thank you for this warm, calm, clear sun, little breeze, little mutliple clouds in the sky moment.  I am okay.  Everything is okay.  And I have multiple possiblitlies.  I am walking slow

Posted on: September 26, 2008

Sometimes, all of the sudden, everything can get so hard.  Breathing, moving. So obviously draining. It’s falling to the ground in the shower, hot water falling down your face, into your mouth.  It’s getting up and walking, or typing one more thing.  It’s sitting, waiting to see how long you can go without moving.  It’s finishing off that bottle, that bag.  It’s a flurry of words.  It’s pulling off your clothes “take me, take me”.  It’s leaning over, right where you are, makeup still on, teeth not brushed, fully dressed and not trying anymore until you wake up and realize it’s another day and the baby’s crying and you have to go to work and you just have to go through the motions so you can get back here tonight and let it go again.  or let it get you. you haven’t decided yet.

I don’t think it’s so much that dark things like sadness and anger and lonliness and desperate need creep into us when we are weak or unaware as it is that they are always there, along with the the colorful things: joy, love, hope, peace, fulfillment.

Like all these things are woven parts of us and it’s just up to us as to how we will weave the tapestries of our lives.  Up to us as to what we will do with those dark things.  They can accent or they can overpower.  They can make our bright things brighter or they can overshadow them.  They can be part of the design or they can mar it; all depending on how we choose to thread them.

So first, it’s accepting them as part of the package.  They are and that is it, there are not extinguishable so much as they are malleable when we decide they will be so and make them so.

We are given, throughout life, so many prescriptions, equations, and instruction manuals for how to live life and get what we want out of it.  We come to think that this plus this equals that without fail.  We develop a false sense of control about our lives and our abilities to control them based on our actions and decisions. Things are supposed to happen because we did this or that.  People are supposed to do what we expect and want of them because we did this or that.  And when it doesn’t work out, we get so mad and disappointed, with life, with God, and with people.

But there are too many variables to ever be able to predict the future based on the present.  Sure, you can make your best guess and quite possibly, because many things are predictable, you may be right.  But the big stuff, the life and love and faith on the line kind of stuff, that’s the stuff that will detour and explode while you stand there going over and over in your head how you did this and that, how can this be?  Or, “If only, if only, you had done this and that, this never would have turned out this way!”  Because of course, we control the whole universe with our utilization of this and that.  “That’s what they told me!”  “That’s what I was told!”  “No, I never thought that there is some bigger picture that I can’t possibly understand because, dammit, I’ve got this and I’ve got that and that’s all I thought I’d need.”

And I am very much including the things we learn through organized religion.  We are too often given plans to follow, we too often tell children simplistic if-then statements and fail to follow up in adolescence and adulthood about the messiness of faith.  About the necessity to let go of expectation.  About things I’ve mentioned before (The world within us) about how no matter much someone plays by the rules they can still lose it all or get burned.

I don’t think it’s that we shouldn’t hope or do our best.  I don’t think it’s that we shouldn’t make careful decisions.  I just think we need to know that the outcome has a lot of variables and we need to be okay with that.  Just be okay with it and go from there.  Or, if it’s really bad, really gut-wrenching, grieve it.  Grieve it compeltely.  And make a little place in you to carry it with (because you will, so it might as well have it’s own little place), and keep going.

There are only two options.  In or out.  Keep moving or stop moving.  Believe or don’t.  Love or don’t.  Hope or don’t.  For all the shades of gray, it’s really just two things.  This or that.

– I need a lot of time alone.  At least two hours at the begining and end of each day.  Preferrably more at the end (maybe 3 or 4)

– If you keep saving people, being their “only thing” holding them up or together, then you are robbing them of the ability and opportunity to develop something bigger and better within themselves and their life and you are anchoring yourself in (percieved) responsibility for someone else’s life and well being.  This turns out badly for everyone.

– I still don’t know about my ability to do my job.

– I began to realize that I actually do feel like a grown up, not because of the kid and the house and the job and the husband and the degree, but because I am seeking and enjoying challenges and opportunities for self-expansion over being concerned with being percieved as “good enough” by and for various people or situations.  Allowing and accepting flaws in myself, I’m freer to indulge in challenges instead of running from them because it’s okay; whatever happens, it’s okay.  That feels grown up.  But I’m still scared to death about work stuff.  I think that falls in a different category because it’s related to $$.

– I’m pretty pissy when I have a lot of stuff I want to write and develop and don’t get a chance to.  (Hence all the time needed alone)

– What I heard today was “Don’t I always take care of you?  Don’t I always provide?” Which lead me to thinking about the word provide.  I think sometimes we forget that provision not to our standards or expectations is still provision.  We overlook too many provisions because we are too accustomed to having so much and how and when we want it.  But provision is there, it’s all in how you look at it.