My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for September 2008

I was thinking, when things don’t go as expected or wanted or hoped, we often become the “victim” of our life’s circumstances.  This is dangerous.  It’s fine to say, “This sucks. I’m hurt, pissed, confused, scared.”..etc.  Because you are those things and that’s okay.  It’s never not okay to feel how you feel.

And often, the quicker someone validates those feelings the quicker you can feel that you can move from them instead of just wanting someone to get it and witness this trainwreck that you, though battered, have survived.  When someone says:

“yep, that’s a trainwreck, that sucks”,

you can say,  “Yea!  It is!  Can you believe I’m still here?!?!”

Instead of someone saying:

“Well, it’s not that bad.”

To which you say: “Are you kidding?  Look at this!”  And go on and on trying to convince someone of why you have a right to feel how you feel and keeping yourself in the wreckage as a means of proof.

So, validation makes it easier to move on.  We should validate one another as an act of sheer humanity, but we should also have within us the means to validate ourselves or to seek it in divinity because humans don’t always act with the humanity we need from one another.

So then, once validated, you can stop focusing on the trainwreck and it’s horribleness and you can maybe start to see that you’ve got more control than you’re giving yourself credit for.  And for many things, you are where you are because you chose to be.  Not that we choose the specifics, because really we don’t, or can’t.  But when we make a choice, we know that there are a variety of things that could happen within that choice.  So, when we choose whatever we choose, we choose all the possible outcomes, even though we are often hoping for a specific one.

The thing about choices is that you always have them.  Most importantly, the words we choose to feed ourselves and others.  Those words shape everything.

And choosing is constant.  Every little moment is choosing.  It’s not a one time deal.  It’s over and over, which can be tough. But, the upside is: it’s over and over.  There are countless opportunities for it.

I think that’s a good thing to remember when your sitting in a trainwreck; that for every opportunity you have to make things worse, you have an equal opportunity to make things better.  And, should you realize maybe halfway through your day (or week, or life) that you haven’t exactly been choosing the “better” option, well, you have dozens of opportunites right there to start.  Which of course, is easier said than done particularly because old habits are hard to break and no matter how much we say we want change, we often like our comfortable little trainwrecks that we have gotten kind of cozy with.

I mean, say you never made it out of the trainwreck, but while there you kind of made it work Tom Hanks-Castaway style.  Even though you know there’s more out there, it may be hard to leave once you’ve become accustomed to your little trainwreck(or plane wreck). Well, you know, good job on surviving, because some wouldn’t, but why settle on solitary survival?

Posted on: September 26, 2008

Today is just a day.  There will be another one tomorrow.  And if not, all the things that are so worrisome today, won’t matter anymore.

Straight out of various (paper) journal entries:

Sometimes, thinking about the next day gives me a headache and I just don’t know if I can do it all over again. It is too hard.

Hot water/on my knees

my favorite question is why. I want to understand

Patios and rays of light/what you’re seeking/is what you find

There is such a longing I feel right here, right now

Thank you for this warm, calm, clear sun, little breeze, little mutliple clouds in the sky moment.  I am okay.  Everything is okay.  And I have multiple possiblitlies.  I am walking slow

Posted on: September 26, 2008

Sometimes, all of the sudden, everything can get so hard.  Breathing, moving. So obviously draining. It’s falling to the ground in the shower, hot water falling down your face, into your mouth.  It’s getting up and walking, or typing one more thing.  It’s sitting, waiting to see how long you can go without moving.  It’s finishing off that bottle, that bag.  It’s a flurry of words.  It’s pulling off your clothes “take me, take me”.  It’s leaning over, right where you are, makeup still on, teeth not brushed, fully dressed and not trying anymore until you wake up and realize it’s another day and the baby’s crying and you have to go to work and you just have to go through the motions so you can get back here tonight and let it go again.  or let it get you. you haven’t decided yet.

I don’t think it’s so much that dark things like sadness and anger and lonliness and desperate need creep into us when we are weak or unaware as it is that they are always there, along with the the colorful things: joy, love, hope, peace, fulfillment.

Like all these things are woven parts of us and it’s just up to us as to how we will weave the tapestries of our lives.  Up to us as to what we will do with those dark things.  They can accent or they can overpower.  They can make our bright things brighter or they can overshadow them.  They can be part of the design or they can mar it; all depending on how we choose to thread them.

So first, it’s accepting them as part of the package.  They are and that is it, there are not extinguishable so much as they are malleable when we decide they will be so and make them so.

We are given, throughout life, so many prescriptions, equations, and instruction manuals for how to live life and get what we want out of it.  We come to think that this plus this equals that without fail.  We develop a false sense of control about our lives and our abilities to control them based on our actions and decisions. Things are supposed to happen because we did this or that.  People are supposed to do what we expect and want of them because we did this or that.  And when it doesn’t work out, we get so mad and disappointed, with life, with God, and with people.

But there are too many variables to ever be able to predict the future based on the present.  Sure, you can make your best guess and quite possibly, because many things are predictable, you may be right.  But the big stuff, the life and love and faith on the line kind of stuff, that’s the stuff that will detour and explode while you stand there going over and over in your head how you did this and that, how can this be?  Or, “If only, if only, you had done this and that, this never would have turned out this way!”  Because of course, we control the whole universe with our utilization of this and that.  “That’s what they told me!”  “That’s what I was told!”  “No, I never thought that there is some bigger picture that I can’t possibly understand because, dammit, I’ve got this and I’ve got that and that’s all I thought I’d need.”

And I am very much including the things we learn through organized religion.  We are too often given plans to follow, we too often tell children simplistic if-then statements and fail to follow up in adolescence and adulthood about the messiness of faith.  About the necessity to let go of expectation.  About things I’ve mentioned before (The world within us) about how no matter much someone plays by the rules they can still lose it all or get burned.

I don’t think it’s that we shouldn’t hope or do our best.  I don’t think it’s that we shouldn’t make careful decisions.  I just think we need to know that the outcome has a lot of variables and we need to be okay with that.  Just be okay with it and go from there.  Or, if it’s really bad, really gut-wrenching, grieve it.  Grieve it compeltely.  And make a little place in you to carry it with (because you will, so it might as well have it’s own little place), and keep going.

There are only two options.  In or out.  Keep moving or stop moving.  Believe or don’t.  Love or don’t.  Hope or don’t.  For all the shades of gray, it’s really just two things.  This or that.

– I need a lot of time alone.  At least two hours at the begining and end of each day.  Preferrably more at the end (maybe 3 or 4)

– If you keep saving people, being their “only thing” holding them up or together, then you are robbing them of the ability and opportunity to develop something bigger and better within themselves and their life and you are anchoring yourself in (percieved) responsibility for someone else’s life and well being.  This turns out badly for everyone.

– I still don’t know about my ability to do my job.

– I began to realize that I actually do feel like a grown up, not because of the kid and the house and the job and the husband and the degree, but because I am seeking and enjoying challenges and opportunities for self-expansion over being concerned with being percieved as “good enough” by and for various people or situations.  Allowing and accepting flaws in myself, I’m freer to indulge in challenges instead of running from them because it’s okay; whatever happens, it’s okay.  That feels grown up.  But I’m still scared to death about work stuff.  I think that falls in a different category because it’s related to $$.

– I’m pretty pissy when I have a lot of stuff I want to write and develop and don’t get a chance to.  (Hence all the time needed alone)

– What I heard today was “Don’t I always take care of you?  Don’t I always provide?” Which lead me to thinking about the word provide.  I think sometimes we forget that provision not to our standards or expectations is still provision.  We overlook too many provisions because we are too accustomed to having so much and how and when we want it.  But provision is there, it’s all in how you look at it.

-Is resistance to change just innate?  The moment we realize that it’s happening, we tighten up, begin voicing objections, even when it’s something we’ve asked for, tried to get.  Is it fear of the unknown, even the sought after unknown?  Because even when we don’t want to be where we are, we are where we are and we adjust ourselves to it, just so we can function.  So when something comes along to change that, our instinct seems to be to rally against it initially.  Just because.

-I look out and know like I knew from the begining. I know it may be years from now, I know it’s not ready yet, but there is more and I see it and I just know; I know, I know, I know it will be.  And it will be really great. And it will be worth this meantime.  And that’s why I am right here, as I am and have always been.

Do you remember?

This is where we sat when you got back from ROTC camp. We sat on top of the picnic tables eating Little Caesar pizza. You had bought me a navy blue Nautica shirt that was too big but you said there weren’t any smaller sizes at the store on base.

Did you know you were my best friend? You saw right through me and let me know. Commented on things no one else would. Everyone else was fine with me being who I told them I was. Not you. And that gave me the chance to be something else. I was safe with you. I knew you wouldn’t reject a single part of me, whatever it was. That was freedom.

I wish you were here right now, making me laugh- freckled face and dimples. I wouldn’t be surprised if your ears were gauged out and forearms tattooed. No doubt you’d still try to place blame on me for those holes in your ears. That’s fine, I’ll take it now. I am more desperate to know I marked you up somehow. That I wasn’t forgettable, disposable in your collection of memories.

I remember you working that job right out of high school where you said your boss was like Lumburgh on Office Space. I hadn’t seen that movie yet, but you did a great impression. I think of that every time I watch that movie.

It’s funny, before I got out of my car today, Korn came on. There is so much music I hadn’t considered until it was playing in that stereo you had taken out of your room and put in your backseat of that little gray Honda with the purple neon lights underneath it. Korn, ICP (still not a fan), Our Lady Peace, Athenaeum, Better Than Ezra…

Speaking of Better Than Ezra, remember when you played a song by them in your garage/barn/shed and tried to tell me it was a song your band wrote – I almost believed you!

You wanted so desperately to leave a mark all over the world (or your world) and would play these dramatic roles and say crazy things – you’re going in the Russian army?!?! I saw through you and all your drama. I always defended you to others. All but the one time it mattered I guess. How was I supposed to know instead of being on hold, you were on three way? All to pacify my boyfriend – it shouldn’t have mattered. You were my friend.

I guess honestly though, nothing was the same with us after J.D. What a complete waste. I had no idea you were starting to hold me in a different place in your heart than I was holding you. All that doesn’t matter now, does it?

I remember how you would drive at night on the wrong side of the road with no headlights. Only fourteen would find that exciting. Twenty-four finds that appalling, idiotic.

But we had fun. No one else drug me along into their schemes like you did.

What about breaking (root) beer bottles on Bloody Tombstone and running back to the truck holding hands? The three of us.

And when you took me to Fuel Pizza in the neighborhood where you grew up. And tried to show me how to play guitar – I still have a pick that was yours. What about the way you would spray Hugo Boss cologne on EVERYTIME you got out of the car? I could basically taste it in my mouth by the end of the day. And the way you brought me little frog gummies one time just because you saw them and knew I liked frogs. What about that graduation bear you gave me for my fifteenth birthday? I have no idea why you did that, but when I graduated, I put the little 2002 sticker on the hat like you said to. I guess you were still around then. On second thought, maybe not.

I miss you.

Are you getting that?

I guess at the time, with everything out on the table like it was, you and I didn’t have much room left. But now, if you were here now, wouldn’t we?

I know, nothing’s ever the same. “Adults” as we are now, I guess there would be less throwing bottles at giant gravestones and such.

But the music, and the writing, and the laughter, and the seeing through each other. Couldn’t we have that?

I need a friendship like the one we had. I never got another like that. I tried to hang out with people like you- but none of them took me in like you did. I was a fringe element I guess. You know – you know how people see me, you know how I let them. You didn’t put up with that, you didn’t let me play it off, sadness and the like. Of course, by then I understood how to get boys to want to spend time with me and misunderstood how to have them want to be friends with me.

I’ve looked for you – on the internet. Even used your middle name. Who could forget Barton? Couldn’t find you. No one else knows why I’d want to. No one else saw you. I even asked J.D., on Facebook. He never responded, even saw me downtown a few times and ignored me, or maybe didn’t remember me. I’m sure he’s had his share of blondes, and it was so long ago, probably insignificant to him. It was a nail in my coffin, but that’s another story.

Last I heard, you were working with your Dad in the town I work in now. I’m sure you’re not there anymore. A tire shop is completely unfitting for you.

You know, I live in the town you used to live. I went down your road several times, but couldn’t find your grandma’s house. I never thought about what it was like being raised by your grandparents back when we were hanging out. You danced around the parent topic pretty well, and I let you.  Possibly the only thing we danced around (except the armory that night).

Remember when we were rough housing in your room, I totally let you feel me up. God, what does a fourteen year old know about the dangers of wrestling with boys? I only grasped the smallest portion of my feminine potential then.

Going to church with you – telling me I had to wear a long dress. Riiiiggghhhhttt. Haha. You always said that word that way, drawing it out.

Going to Eastland with you and Carol. My party (who knows which one) you coming in saying “It’s not delivery, it’s Digornio!”. No one liked you that night. I don’t know why…I don’t know why people are so quick to dislike others.

I have that picture you mailed me of you as a kid and the Polaroid of us leaning against your car after going to play pool. Your car, complete with Chinese lettering. I have your dog tags and that necklace, ticket stub from that play you were in, and that damn perfume you convinced me to buy.

I think you just wanted to fit. Don’t we all? You fit with me. I wish you’d find me. I think this would all be easier if you were here.

I am with you, all day, daughter.

Hold fast daughter, hold fast.  You are about to come full circle.  You are encompassed by God.  What importance is your light without your darkness?  What value is your faith without your fear?

My mother in law said today, coming in the door “Life a little hectic?”  I said “Not so much hectic, as it is constant”

My dad said, over the phone “Class wearing you out?”  I said “It’s not class, it’s everything else.  Class is once a week.”

There will be no more thieves in the night, every day we’re alive is a fight for our life

I have visited that place and I have returned and I am accepting and I am not afraid. I am in constant change and I’m okay.

some time should be spent, everyday, believing everything is going to be okay

It’s okay to feel exactly how you feel.  You are validated here and now.  Don’t grasp at anything.  You are fine.  Everything is fine.

Sometimes, when you tell yourself you’re going to do something, you just have to do it