My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for December 2009

I was driving home, down a dirt road with my daughter when I ran into so much snow on the road that my car stopped moving. I panicked and then got it moving again. Farther down the road it spun and flipped into a ditch. I then got out and pushed it back up on the road. I drove around a corner and there was no more snow and my mom was at home cleaning the porch. I later told a friend about lifting the car and we laughed.

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I had cancer, but was hiding it from everyone

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Last night was strange, in regards to my previous post. I’ve heard people talk about releasing things into the universe (or to God) and having quick, clear answers appear. Last night, I actually said some things I really thought instead of what I knew would make everything okay, and I know writing it out first is what empowered me to say it. How can I write it out, post it on the internet and still fall back into my old pattern that destroys me? I couldn’t. And it felt awesome, incredible, empowering. And sad. Because it’s not all about me, so there was sadness in it. And maybe some guilt, that I couldn’t do this before, that I didn’t know myself well enough, didn’t trust myself well enough all along to voice my words, my thoughts, my honesty.

At first, I thought, is this it? It’s this easy? And then I realized that of course it wasn’t. This was warm up, a practice round. It’s not there yet. And that frustrates me and frightens me and throws me off, but it’s gonna be okay. I’m out of whack, particularly after last night, but it’s okay. I’m going to keep believing. I’m going to keep believing that God doesn’t intend for me to settle, to compensate, to reconcile. I believe in everything I’ve got in me…it’s going to be great. At some point. Again, it’s the here to there that I don’t know about, that I have to let go of. And I know, of course, that this is part of the point, the journey is precious, purposeful. The wait, the frustration, the question is still there-

“Do you trust me child? Do you really? Then let go. This is not in your hands. Just trust. Just accept. Just believe. Allow for time. Be open. Be open. And believe. No matter what- no matter what hurts, no matter what you don’t understand, no matter what scares you, don’t give up believing- don’t. Just believe. That’s really all you have to do. Everything else will come, I promise, child, I promise.”

I’m trying. I don’t want to do this on my own. None of it. I don’t understand, but I believe.

I’m in this place again where I keep thinking “I don’t think I can do this anymore”, but I’m not quite sure what “this” is. Is it everything? Is it work? Is it home? Is it life?

Work is work. It changes. Some things I’m good at, some things I struggle with…but it’s do able. It’s not work that I can’t do anymore. Work suffers sometimes, while I try to manage my life, but work is work. It’s good work. It’s work I’m glad to be doing. So it’s not work. Not specifically.

It’s home. I know it is. I hate going home. It’s not home. It’s where I live, it’s who I live with, it’s how it is there. I suffocate. I really can’t stand playing family and house.  I hate knowing everyday I have to come home and play that role. I hate thinking about making dinner, buying groceries. I don’t care. I don’t care about decorating shit or about the yard or about the floor or about making sure the laundry is done and put up and the dishes are out of the sink. I just don’t care. And it’s not that I’m lazy, as a family member suggested. It’s that I DON’T CARE. I DO NOT CARE. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT TO ME. Why is that so hard to understand? Just because I’m female, I’m a wife, a mother…that doesn’t mean I give a shit about that stuff.  It doesn’t mean I want a certain kind of life. Being a mom changes some perspectives, some priorities, but it doesn’t change who I am. All those internal things that made me up before I was a mom still make me up now. I have more things than before, because of motherhood- not less.

This doesn’t mean that if I weren’t under some form of obligation to do some of these things due to the set up I’ve got myself into that I wouldn’t do them. Of course I would still buy groceries and feed myself and my child and wash clothes and clean the bathroom and wash dishes. But I would do it how I do it. In my time, in a way that is comfortable to me. And that may very well mean we eat pasta for 3 days straight and leave clothes sitting on the dryer all week long. Who gives a fuck? That doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad mom, not to me. But I’m not the only person in the picture, am I?

Something’s going to have to happen soon with our financial situation Everything is getting later and later and our life lines are drying up. Even if/when the other person in the house is bringing an income in again, somethings are just so far gone. It’s not like I’ve had a choice. Managing our finances for 16 months of one income when we had two and unemployment where we are consistently more than 1,000 dollars short every month…some people just don’t get paid. And everyone gets paid late. And money is begged off of family members. And credit is maxed, savings is drained. But do we still have our house, car, utilities, phone, tv, internet, clothes, food…yes. Thanks to God and generous family and in some part, me, right? I run this shit. This is one of the things I just about can’t do any more. I’m ready to give up. Whatever that means…Bankruptcy? I don’t know. I just about do not care. I’m so done.

I want to start over. I know so much more now than I did when I let myself go down this road. I want to start over with what I have within me now. But I’m scared. Not so much for myself, but for my child. There is a lot of manipulative destructiveness and blind anger that resides here. I don’t want to be the one to unleash it. I don’t want my child damaged by it. I also, don’t want to live a life I don’t want. I won’t do that. I already decided that. I just don’t know how to get from here to there.

I’ve dissected the past, I’ve imagined the future, I’ve examined my self and I know that what matters is this- this doesn’t fit, this doesn’t work for me, and honestly, I don’t believe it will, I don’t believe it can. I don’t think I should have to be different, should have to adjust myself to make something work – I don’t think anyone should. It works or it doesn’t. Not that everything has to be perfect, or easy, but it shouldn’t be a job. It shouldn’t be work. It shouldn’t be constant sacrifice of a person to meet another person’s standards or needs. I don’t want that. I can’t do that. I’m not okay with that.   I don’t think that in itself means anything bad, it just is. It just is. But that isn’t really that simple.

I’m afraid (and relieved?) that I think this is out of my hands. I think I have to keep my mind right and wait. I think. Or I will be pushed. I don’t know, I’m not clear on this yet…I’m trying to listen. God, I’m trying to listen. I’m petitioning these weights on my heart. I’m asking for your help. I have throughly made mistakes, set you and my belief aside, let someone else take the lead. I am so so sorry. I understand your forgiveness. Please help me get to the life you have in mind for me, the one that does work for me, that does fit me. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for never forsaking me, for holding my heart, for open arms, for  healing, for every little moment you gift me with your presence, your assurance, your guidance, I don’t want to do this without you again. I believe.

Posted on: December 15, 2009

The only thing that makes sense right now is art and faith. I just want to immerse myself in these things and not have to come up, not have to come back. I know to really appreciate either though, you have to go back and forth, you have to step away and apply creativity and belief to daily life. I don’t feel like I can ever function enough…I’m just tired. Really tired. And foggy.

I’m laying in belief Lord, I’m hiding in hope. I’m moving in love, in the art of it all, the beauty. Lead, guide, bless. Please.

I’m typing this too early in the morning considering the fact that I didn’t get home last night til 3am…but Natalie’s not here and Jason’s still in bed, so it’s my best bet for a moment to myself today…

I went and saw Harvard last night. I was wanting to explain something about this, but my brain is so damn foggy right now. Ever since the first time one of my guy friends picked up a guitar and played a line of a song for me I was hooked on hearing people I know make music.

So, through the years I try to keep track of the people I know who are making music…I always feel more creatively inspired by people I know being creative than by anything else. I was so envious last night though. Envious of musicians in general, really. Envious of the connections people have to one another, creatively as a large group…not to say I didn’t enjoy the show, because I really did. I always do. All the people in one spot right up near the stage with the music shaking everything, I love it. It’s a beautiful high.

It’s always hard for me after things like that though, to come back to the day to day. I have a really hard time with some things in my day to day right now. I feel like I can’t be everything and I just want to give into the pull…it’s just not that easy…and really, I don’t know that there’s any place for me at all.

Maybe not that so much, because there’s actually always a place, everywhere…it just seems like I choose to stand right on the edge of everything. But that’s what I choose…Like I said, it’s far to early for me to be writing coherently. I’m gonna have to follow up on this later.

Posted on: December 3, 2009

I’m writing this to remind myself what I’m doing, because my head is all over the place right now. I’m being still and knowing that God is God. I’m forgetting the world. I’m following my spirit over my mind. I’m believing in the rainbow fragments and quiet rushes and solid embraces and I am not listening to the noise around me, I am being quiet to hear what’s within me. I am trusting love over all else. In case I forget…