My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for the ‘Daily life’ Category

Sometimes you have to stop, just stop and really let it sink in that today is a wonderful day.

Today is a wonderful day.

Breathing, breathing, breathing it in. Letting go of the busy thoughts, the pushing and the pulling.

Today is a wonderful day.

I am under-stimulated today. So I am restless. This is probably worse than being over-stimulated and exhausted. It breeds a tiny bit of anxiety, like it is a calm before a storm. But not a good, happy calm. A weird one. And I’m trying to re-frame it, but I’m not doing a good job at convincing myself…

Something else odd. We actually had good luck. Jason specifically. He won a 46 inch plasma tv in a work raffle! What!?! I KNOW! Crazy!

Hm. Perhaps things are taking their turn for the better. Actually, they are. I believe that. I BELIEVE THAT.

In the words of a song I love right now “Everything is about to change, there’s gonna be brighter days” That’s right, speaking it into being, right here, believing.

So, I’ll just rest. I’ll just lay in the weird quiet and take it in and own it a bit. Yes, I will.

Sometimes, I think about the blessings I have and I don’t understand. Material things that I don’t necessarily want or need. And then there are these other intangible things that I do want or need. And I feel guilty because I still have so much more than so many others. And I feel sad because I would give up so much to just have the things I really want.

I feel like I should be happy with what I have and do something good and cherish it all, because they are certain blessings.

And I feel like I should be working towards being the person who has what they really want. I have to keep the faith. I have to fake it til I make it, I suppose.

And I have this fear, underneath these other things…that the thing I crave the most is something I am not ready for, something I would mess up if I had it…

so I’m thinking, I should work towards keeping it, even though I don’t have it…I have to believe in the timing, the cosmic timing of it.

I am hungry and tired. Why do I feel that way so much?

My perspective is off this weekend. I feel this weird sort of feeling. I need someone to bounce it off of. I need that thing I always need. I just want to know that everything’s okay.

I guess I’ll just believe it is.

Sometimes, that means moving through the motions of a life, of a day, with my mind and heart far away. As if all of this life is just moonlighting for the real deal that seems just right beyond my grasp, that I get the smallest taste of every once in a while. (the sweetest taste. my most favorite thing. a moment that makes everything else fade away and…it’s too much to write even…)

And regret…regret is useless but tempting. As if it could change anything. Particularly anything a decade old. All I can do is trust this road that has managed to…to allow me some hope and prepare myself for the life I want…there must be a purpose in the blessings, the needs, the moments, the struggle. There’s got to be a purpose in the struggle.

I’m all stirred up and haven’t been able to pour it into anything yet (or onto anyone yet).

 

Trust

Posted on: September 8, 2011

You need to trust yourself. Your rhythm. Your instinct. Trust your hesitation. Trust your exuberance. Quiet yourself and listen. Listen. All the answers are right there. The answers need you to trust them The answers need you to have faith in the process. To have faith in the cosmic timing of everything. To have faith in the ability of love. Not just a lover’s love, but love.

To stop biting your tongue, to be honest, does not have to be harsh or angry or defensive, it just has to be confident. It requires you to trust yourself, to trust your knowledge and your needs. To trust your questions.

Trust. Breathe.

If your voice within says wait, then wait. If your voice within says go, then go. And just do this, just do all this one step at a time, one moment at a time.

And trust, trust the path your voice is laying out before you.

Be gracious, be kind, be thoughtful in your movements. Be ready for resistance. And be ready to see the right doors open up just in time.

Trust, child, trust.

You can do amazing things, the things you were made for. You just have to trust.

I miss you. I miss you furiously. I miss you with a quickness that leaves me gasping for air.

I am most alive, I am home, with you. I can not stop that. I can not change that. It has not taken it upon itself to change that. I am perhaps completely unsafe there, but it is there that I rest, and just the briefest rest sparks within me the movement, the belief, the need.

(the need to love you. and with that, the tentative hope that you may love me, that you may need to love me)

There are so, so many words to say. I don’t say them. I…I just…I’m just…waiting.

This tests my faith like nothing else. To leave this. To let it be. To let it become what it will. To let time take this and to just love as honestly as I can, as quietly as I can, as steadfastly as I can.

It is the quietly part that gets me.

To love you quietly pushes me to the brink of madness.

And to writing.

(which is at times all the same, right?)

I am here, loving you still, like I always have, it seems, the exact same way I’ve always had to, quietly…roaring within, like the waves of this crash upon themselves within me, in the privacy of my quiet.

To trust this is possibly the very hardest thing. Because it can get very dark. It can get very silent. It can get very chaotic. It can deplete me. It can worry me. It can dampen my resolve to see this through.

Yet, still, I don’t believe I have a choice. This is it’s own beast. It’s own force of nature. It’s own storyline.

I feel like all the answers are wrapped up in this. That the secret truths this holds are all the ones I am seeking. I glance upon myself and know I am still, even now, not enough to take this on. It is an unripe fruit. Or I am. It gets foggy.

To love you quietly. Can you hear me?

 

musing

Posted on: June 20, 2011

Sometimes it hits me hard, quick and hard, what I know about people’s lives now. That I know there are children that were systematically sexually and emotionally abused by their families. Children pimped out by their mothers for drugs. Children tied up in sheds fed like dogs. These sound like news stories, but the thing about news stories is they are real. This is real. I have met these people. I have sat across from them, hugged them, driven them places in my car, laughed with them, seen their constant struggles and frustrations and disappointments and confusions. Their sadness, their underlying hurt and doubt and fear and anger. And I can’t go back and make sure that someone held them and took care of them and made them laugh and feel safe. Like children should.

Heartbreaking is not the word. It hurts my soul. It’s just there are so many ways to be lucky, to be blessed, to be wealthy. And there are so many ways to be poor. Most of us are a little of both. Rich in some things, poor in others. They don’t cancel one another out.

I just hate, really hate, what some people are robbed of. And I just really want to see us all taking care of one another. To be connected…I can’t pinpoint it right now, but it makes a difference.

 

 

Purgatory

Posted on: May 18, 2011

Sometimes, there is just this restlessness. I don’t know what to do with it. I feel antsy and trapped. I feel like I can never really breathe, like I’m waiting for something…something to set me free. I feel like I have no place to be. I feel groundless, but not in a way that is okay.

I feel like I’m just biding my time until I can do what I’m really supposed to be doing. Nothing fits, nothing feels right, there is an unrest. I don’t know what to do with that, where to go with that. It unravels me. It makes me feel not okay with no rhyme or reason to why, or what, or how. I feel like there is something upon me that I need to shake off and I’m too apprehensive to do this, too fearful of the repercussions. Fearful maybe that I will shake the wrong thing off? Or do it the wrong way, at the wrong time? I don’t know, I just don’t feel well.

Part of me wants to crawl into bed and call in sick (from my whole entire life) but the other part of me is pushing me to keep trying to figure this out.

I’m afraid it will end with me breaking down in a parking lot somewhere.

Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do?

And I don’t know why I have to write it out, I don’t know why I have to post it. But I do. Ridiculous.