My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for March 2010

A friend of mine posted this article today and it was just what I was looking for. See, after reading this article, posted by another friend, I’d been searching for that one more thing that would get me typing. If you’re too lazy to click the links and read, both articles deal with God, Christianity, Love, Atheism, and Theology. I spend a good amount of time thinking about these things anyways, so reading these pieces got me ready to write. I’m just streaming here, this is not my absolute and conclusive personal theology- this is just the beginning; thoughts, questions I’m asking myself, answers I may change, concepts to flesh out, a work in progress…

I’ve decided that I believe in love. I was raised Christian and I know this affects how I relate to love. And I’m okay with that.

I believe that God is love, that these concepts are synonymous. Do I believe in Jesus? Yes. Do I believe he was born of the Virgin Mary? Yes. Do I believe he was God? Yes. Do I believe he lived a sinless life and died on a cross and was raised to life in 3 days? Yes. Do I believe this was an example of how love acts, of what love is, what love can do? Yes. Do I believe everyone has to believe these things? Not the way I do. Do I believe in hell? Not the popular version. Do I look forward to heaven? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Do I believe in reincarnation? Possibly. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe in love? Yes. do I believe in heaven? I believe there is a state where we can live in love, with love, forever. I don’t know what that looks like, what that feels like, how that works…but I believe we can get there.

I believe in love, in light, in energy. I believe in darkness, death, fear. I believe we have the opportunity to engage in light, in love, in positive energy in our lives. I believe the only thing we have to do to be saved by love is to accept it. To accept love for ourselves, unconditionally. This enables us to love others in the same way. It lightens us, enlightens us, and brings us closer to peace and joy. It separates us from those that live in darkness or fear. It keeps our spirits, our energies alive when our bodies die. The lens I view the world out of will always be affected by Christianity. The lens anyone views their world out of will always be affected by their personal history, environment, and exposure. Is my God their God? If their God is love, then yes. I believe in love as the almighty. Love for self, for others. Love for love.

I believe love is all powerful, is guiding, is wise, is a savior. Love is bigger than all else.

So, in regards to our origins, what do I believe? Creationism? Big Bang? Some combination? I believe it doesn’t really matter. Though for the record, I do believe that a Creator could design evolution. But I feel it doesn’t matter because I am loved, I have love. It is the ultimate experience, the great high, the transcendence beyond the physical world…maybe there are a million other “worlds” of a million other species doing all sorts of things…does that lessen my love? I don’t believe it does. Do I wonder about the whole  Creator knowing everything but basically setting us up to fail with the Adam, Eve, and serpent thing? Yea. Do I think the Bible tells the whole story? No. Do I believe people have free will in regards to choosing or not choosing love? I don’t know. What about someone abused from the beginning of their life, someone with severe mental illness…

Do I believe in spiritual realms? Yes. Do I believe in forgiveness? Yes. Do I believe Jesus had to die on the cross for me to be forgiven? I believe this was the sort of thing that made people pay attention.

Why were we created? Why do I care? Maybe the world will go on and on and love will transcend and transcend me to the place where I am no longer part of the world, and I will be joined with others who have done the same. Maybe in that state I will radiate love to those still part of the physical world, maybe I won’t. Maybe I will live in my cabin, with my loves, and my outdoor shower and I will retain the knowledge of life, but not the pain. So I will appreciate love, the peace and joy of it…Maybe all of it, maybe none of it…

I believe in love. How much worse will my life be for that? If I live a life in love, believing in love, hoping in love and it turns out there is nothing else but the end of my existence…is that in any way a waste of my time?

I’ll flesh this out more later, I’m sure. This is just me getting started…brainstorming, getting the juices flowing…

I woke up earlier today to try to start my day off with peace and not anxiety. In theory, I like the idea of starting the day with quiet time, a devotional. But I feel like the only way to do that is to write, on here. I feel like my mind wanders too much otherwise, like I will just fall asleep, or give in to the anxiety.

I hate waking up anxious. For most of my life, I have not had that problem. I remember a particular time in my life where I always woke up peaceful and joyful. This is what I keep in my minds eye, what I want to achieve again. I don’t believe that my circumstances should determine my daily attitude. I can be peaceful, even if there are a lot of stressors.

My problem lately is that there is too much. Too much to do, too much left undone, too much stacked up in corners or closets. Too much of people wanting me to do things in their timeframe. I decided two things last night: at home, I’m going to take care of one accumulated thing at a time. Yesterday it was a bag of crap I had taken from my car and thrown in a closet. And I’m not going to let myself get overwhelmed feeling like I need to handle everything right now, or criticizing myself for letting it be that way.

I also decided that work stuff is going to happen on my timeframe. Even if that means I have to set up a timeframe to coincide with someone else’s, I will create and claim my own timeframe as well. I can’t wake up worrying about work or go to bed and dream about it. It is by no means my fault that the system is set up so that everyone has to hurry up and wait for services they need. I’m not going to feel like I have to handle everything right this second for everyone (this applies at home too). I just can’t. I can’t feel that way. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m going to do the best I can do. Before I took this position, they stated they had problems keeping people on this team, in this position, so I know it’s not easy, but I also know if I stick with it, that will be more than those others did. I just have to do what I can- if that gets people upset, oh well, I can’t do this everyday, this can’t be my priority.

That’s what was good about Natalie being sick, I didn’t feel like I had to do anything but be “mom” for a few days. With my job changing, and more of my friends having children and being at home moms, I am feeling the strain of being a professional and a mom more than I was before…I wouldn’t not be either, so…I don’t know.

I’m so tired- physically tired. It was a rough weekend,  sleep wise. And I’m so bad at time management. It frustrates me sometimes. Of course if we didn’t have so many Yankees around here, everyone would know that in the South, nothing ever really starts until at least 15 minutes after the time it was allotted to start. Unfortunately, most of the people I work with are from NY/Philly and don’t understand this concept at all. *sigh*

Jason’s truck is still in the shop.  I have taken several hours 3 days in a row to help him get it, it’s a huge inconvenience and undesired but necessary use of precious funds.

I think my timesheet was due yesterday and I forgot about it completely due to Natalie’s 2am-6am ER run to find out she has strep…*sigh* again

Hopefully I can turn this in today and still get paid friday. If not, that would suck. But I feel apathetic. Sometimes I’m just tired of holding all the little pieces together…granted, timesheets and paychecks are not “little” peices…grrr…I have non of it done. Not a bit. I hate timelines and due dates.

I think there should be some kind of test you can take and how you are expected to meet due dates and timelines should be determined from a variety of factors including not only external responsibilities and stresses, but also internal factors- if people knew how hard I try and all the little things inside that stop me, they’d be so proud of what I can do. Instead, I just look like I can never get it together.

I just want a week of days by myself, doing nothing for anyone.

I think I hate my job.

I really do. I really think I hate it. But it was the best move I could make, as my previous position is no longer going to exist come July due to budget cuts and funding…still a bad fit for me. My supervisor stated it was a good fit…maybe she doesn’t know me as well as a thought…or maybe I’m becoming discouraged to easily. All I know is it feels like math. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense, it’s too much at one time. I feel lost.

I want peace in my day. I don’t want to be on anyone else’s timeframe. I want to figure out how to do that. I feel like it’s going to require earlier mornings…

Also, my dog is driving me crazy. He’s scratching at the vacuum cleaner. Why?

I feel a little better starting like this. I think the key is making the anxious thoughts wait. Deciding- I will not worry about the bank account or bills right now. I am not in the mood or able to deal with it right now, so I’m not going to sit and obsess about it. I will pick a time and address a few things at a time. Tonight. I will address some part of this tonight.

After I drop Natalie at school, I will address work related issues- not before. This morning, I will just prepare for my day. I will not jump into it “like a drunken idiot”, as a friend of mine said about their own habits. I will eat breakfast, write, make Natalie’s breakfast, pray, clean up breakfast, shower/dress, make lunches, kiss and cuddle Natalie, talk to her, sing with her, feed the dog, take him out, play with him. I will take her to school where she will have a egg hunt and I will purchase some of her school pictures. Then I will address my day. I will do the same with work. While working, I will not address finances. While addressing finances, I will not address my social life. When I’m writing, I’m writing. When I’m praying, I’m praying. When I’m eating, I’m eating. When I’m with Natalie, I’m with Natalie. When I’m addressing something like cleaning or bills, then that’s what I’m doing. I will only multi task if I decide it benefits me, not because I’m freaking out.

I will not try to manage every aspect of every (or any) situation all at one time. One thing at a time. On my time.

So, everything that makes me anxious- Fuck you.

I’ve had a hard time lately. Harder than some others maybe, not as hard as many, I’m sure. But still, hard. I’ve always had a had difficulty with having perspective on my own struggles, with allowing myself just the right amount of wallowing and encouragement. I have a hard time ever talking to anyone, or even writing it out anymore.

But I heard the voice again- in the shower. I didn’t write it down that day. I don’t even remember what day it was anymore.

“I’m training you”

For what?

“You’ll know when you need to know”

What if I can’t? What if I can’t? What if I don’t want to?

“It’s what you were born to do, it’s how you are made, it’s what you’re looking for.”

Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing

I can’t do this.

“Can’t do what?”

Anything. I can’t do anything.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength – You’re having a hard time with the wording ‘Christ’, aren’t you?”

I don’t know. I don’t know. Yes. No. I don’t know.

“It’s okay. You know. I’m training you. Great men and crosses, you remember?”

Yes, I do, I just can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

“You remember the bright light? You remember?”


“It’s exactly what you thought it was.You were born for this. You were born a believer. I’m training you. There is such an amazing future. Don’t you see things you’ve believed, hoped into your life?”

I do, I do see those things. I’m so thankful for those things. I’m just tired and scared and tired.

“It’s okay. No pain, no gain, right? You’re training, you should be sore, you should be tired.You don’t have to do this, but you’ll never be satisfied if you don’t. You won’t even really be alive. If you settle for what’s right before you, you will vanish, it will be like you never existed at all”

I know. I breathe to believe. That light. I didn’t know how much that light can hurt.

It hurts because you’re human, it’s taking you beyond that. It doesn’t always hurt, it won’t always hurt. You are not alone, but feeling lonely is part of it sometimes. You will find people to trust, you will have communion, intimacy, fulfillment- you will have what you seek. And you’d never breathe again without the light. You’d be a shell. Don’t underestimate the light in you. You have nothing to be afraid of. There is absolutely nothing, no one you should fear. Do not fear. And remember, this is training.You will find rest. Just not quite yet.”


“Horsefeathers. We are a society. We, as a society, decide to use our combined resources to provide certain services. If we, as a society, decide that healthcare should be one of those services, it is not theft anymore than universal policing is theft. If you choose not to support society, you are more than welcome to leave” LanceR, JSG, comment #55 on “Are Patients in Universal Healthcare Countries Less Satisfied?”: denialism blog.

This wonderful quote was in response to this comment: “I find it amusing that you would be ok with stealing from your neighbor to pay for your health care. Government is not charity or compassion, it is force. Forcing your neighbor to pay for someones healthcare is not christian, it is theft.” frodo, commenter 53.

Isn’t healthcare  one of those services that we feel should be funded in, by, and for our society? Is the general American mindset so un-evolved that it is still in caveman mode? All the over-the-top, selfish, self-righteous, loud, whiny, pessimistic rants all come down to a big confused grunt “My money! My money! My money!” with no apparent understanding of the concept of being part of a community, a society, a connected group of people whose well-being depends upon all others within that group.

Guess what? The more poor, homeless, sick, needy people you have in your community, the worse off your community is.  Walking around grunting about “your money” won’t improve your society. You being well-off does not benefit your society unless you utilize your resources to benefit your community. And guess what? You’ll only be safe in your little cocoon of “well-off” for so long before it all trickles up to you. At some point, the deterioration of your society will become a disadvantage to you. Is that the only time it matters?

Somewhere along the way, we began associating the idea of “American” with “fend for yourself”. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people talk about how “nice it must be to just pop out babies and sit around waiting on a check and getting free healthcare”. First of all, unless you’re disabled (woohoo, how great!), you don’t get a random check in the mail. If you’re going to criticize a system, you should take the time to educate yourself on it. Secondly, if it’s so “nice”, why don’t you do it? No one’s stopping you- go ahead! Living below the poverty line is awesome. It’s what they talk about sitting in the DSS waiting room- how incredibly easy and wonderful it is to be so needy that you qualify for Medicaid and food stamps and are potentially stuck in the sick cycle that is poverty.

But of course, it’s all their fault. I mean, if they didn’t want to live like that, they wouldn’t. They have all the same means and opportunities as everyone else. Again, I ask anyone who believes this crap to educate themselves.

I have the privilege of being educated via my career with a  mental health agency funded largely by Medicaid money and I am not, contrary to what you may believe, a bleeding heart. I don’t feel bad for people. I don’t believe in enabling people. But I do believe in empowering people. I do believe in seeking out the root of the problem and brainstorming ways to overcome obstacles. I do know what I would want for someone to do for me (or anyone I care about) if ever shoes were swapped and I were sitting in the needy spot. I know how I would want to be treated. I know that consistently being told I suck at life and don’t deserve help is not helpful and will not improve my chances at becoming a more productive part of society.

I know you should never believe you are really any different from them just because you happen to be in a different social class, whether by birth or effort. And you can’t be sure that your social class won’t drastically change. We are all one well placed misfortune away from rock bottom. You’re blissfully naive if you truly believe that you are smart enough, prepared enough, supported enough to never hit rock bottom. To never desperately need help from a stranger, from society as a whole. No one is invincible, no one is an island.

Why, as members of a shared society, are we so concerned with pointing out our differences and climbing over one another to be “better than” as opposed to working together towards the well being of our shared existence?

What is so scary about strengthening our community? I think I know. I think Americans are convinced that the only indicator of success is money. So when someone suggests that perhaps those with more money and resources are in some way obligated to share and support those with less money and resources for the good of the community as a whole, people get freaked out about sharing their hard (or not so hard) earned “success” and immediately scream “Socialist!” “Communist!” “Christian!”. Oh, wait, they don’t scream “Christian!”. Hmm…

You know, the government would have no need to “force” us to help each other if we just did it. If we just saw a need and worked to meet it. If we just saw ourselves as the essential elements of change within our communities that we are and worked together to make our collective lives better. (Crazy, right?) Tossing a few bucks at charity, volunteering a few times a year, and praying from your warm safe little house doesn’t cut it. It’s a bandaid. We have to really get our hands dirty to help change happen. We have to give what we’ve got to better our society.

But that’s not the “American Way”.  Americans pull themselves up by their bootstraps all on their own. Americans never need help, even from each other. Americans are not obligated to look out for their fellow Americans, only themselves. Americans don’t need to ask themselves why people in their community need help, nor do they need to do anything about that. If your life sucks, too bad for you! Good thing I’m not one of those screw-ups!

Wake up America, We Are A Society. We are interdependent upon one another. Whether we like it or not.

So, I’m gonna get started on this now. I don’t want it to take me forever. I don’t want to obsess about it. I just want to say it.

First of all, after some internet research, I found an article/blog that was just what I was looking for regarding health care. I don’t really care about people’s crazy fanatical fears, nor do I care about anecdotes, or even, all the “scary, hidden aspects of the bill that will make us suffer F O R E V E R.” I just wanted a little data.

Like, what’s up with all these other industrialized countries that have been doing this whole universal health care thing for decades? How’s that working out? Seriously- how’s that working out?

Finally, I got some data (as mentioned and linked above), and feel happy. It basically says that though universal health care is  not perfect, neither is what the US has now,  and still, universal health care is a better use of our money and resources, given we manage to implement it well- maybe modeling it after other successful programs? Like, maybe some other country did something we can learn and grow from? Maybe? And, data shows: it will in all likelihood not be the END OF AMERICA!

So, aside from the data that made my search fruitful and facebook status worthy, I also got a great string of quotes from the comment section.

52: “You have omitted how much people pay in taxes for these entitlements”

Have you considered how much we pay NOW for the uninsured? Do you think that if a homeless person goes into the ER and receives treatment it is just free?

It seems to me that in a “Christian” country to allow multitudes to go without adequate healthcare for apparently the sole reason of wanting to avoid even the appearance of ‘socialism’ (i.e., purely ideological purposes) is immoral. Posted by: slpage | June 15, 2009 5:08 PM

53 #52, I find it amusing that you would be ok with stealing from your neighbor to pay for your health care. Government is not charity or compassion, it is force. Forcing your neighbor to pay for someones healthcare is not christian, it is theft. Posted by: frodo | June 29, 2009 10:12 PM
55 “Government is not charity or compassion, it is force. Forcing your neighbor to pay for someones healthcare is not christian, it is theft.”

Horsefeathers. We are a society. We, as a society, decide to use our combined resources to provide certain services. If we, as a society, decide that healthcare should be one of those services, it is not theft anymore than universal policing is theft. If you choose not to support society, you are more than welcome to leave.

57 “I find it amusing that you would be ok with stealing from your neighbor to pay for your health care. Government is not charity or compassion, it is force. Forcing your neighbor to pay for someones healthcare is not christian, it is theft.”
Isn’t it odd that compassion must be forced on Christians?

May I suggest reading 1st John 3:17

– If you don’t have your Bible handy it reads thus:

“But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him? ”   Posted by: Drew L | July 5, 2009 12:45 PM

You’ve got to love anyone who can use the word “Horsefeathers” in any conversation, ever. That truly enhances the awesomeness of the quote. Commenter 55, we would be friends, I can tell. And commenter 57! Yes, America’s Christians are odd, aren’t they? Now, Commenter 52-thanks for provoking 53. This wouldn’t have been possible without you! 53, well, you know- at least you know where you stand (even if it is in some horsefeathery place) .

For the record, I do understand people feeling afraid. Fear and apprehension are normal when you embark on something that is new, that is big, that is kind of out of your control. So, regular uneasiness or even lack of knowledge I get, and I don’t mock. I’m not saying I understand or fully support everything about the bill. But it’s the over the top, selfish, self-righteous, loud, whiny, pessimists that jump to conclusions and make up “facts” that drive me insane.

Now, having ran my brain through that, I think I’ll end this here and pick it up again, as it’s already long enough, with all the quotes. And I wanted to write about the quotes, they made my night. So, I’ll build off this. Maybe tonight, maybe in the morning. (I don’t think I have more than 2 readers anyways ;P)

I don’t have a lot of time. Healthcare bill just passed. Just got annoyed reading people’s  stupid (republican) facebook comments. What is so hard to understand about taking care of each other? About strenghtening communities as a whole? WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT? I really don’t understand. And not because I’m stupid. But because other people are. And I have a hard time getting my brain to comprehend such stupidness. 🙂 Sorry, that’s where I am tonight.

It honestly makes me sad that people are so wrapped up in their safe little worlds that they don’t take the time to step out and not just think about others, but do for others. Not by volunteering or donating money, but by actually giving a shit. By getting to know people and all the crazy circumstances of a given life that is NOT YOUR OWN.

Guess what? Shit happens. And it will likely happen to you one day. And you will want someone to empathize. So why don’t you do that now. You know, that golden rule and all.

And stop, for just a minute to imagine yourself in someone else’s life. Really. It could be you. There is nothing huge separating us. Separating the prostitute and the housewife. The homeless man and the working man. People think there’s this big difference, but there’s not. If you ever looked around you, you’d know that.

The Calender Project, March 2009 – looks like it was a good month!

Also, I thought it would be interesting to link to a few things I wrote last March, so that’s what’s up with that.

March 1: Hope Church, Chili, cornbread, watching snowfall

March 2: SNOW DAY, Patti’s, snow cream, One Tree Hill

March 3: Visited the farm

March 6: Hawthornes (Nat/chair), Target

March 7: Nat sleepover Nana’s, Lunch w/ Sharon and Ryan, Monterry’s and Ross

March 8: Dulins Grove

work tidbit, not on calender

March 11: planted trees, Lunch w/Edina at Hot Wok

March 13: Jason and Nat sick, Dominoes at home

March 14: Chic Fil A with Meg and Kim! Concord library and art show

March 15: Lunch at Mom and Dad’s, Scanned pictures

took a walk and wrote about it, but didn’t write it on the calender

March 19: Book Club @ Renee’s!

March 20: Pizza Hut and CVS, Arbor Mist and King of the Hill

March 21: Concert in Concord w/ Nat and mom, Wendy’s

March 22: Hope Church, Mom’s stuffed crust pizza

March 24: 1 hour convo w/ Catie

March 27: Dominoes @ home, Arbor Mist, incense, painted nails dark purple

March 28: Winnie the Pooh play at library, pet store, bakery w/Nat and Sarah, Wild Wings Cafe w/ Chris and Alicia, Kelly, Chris, Danielle

March 29: Cheesecake factory w/ Carol (tiramisu), Mom’s

March 31: Nat 3 year check up, All good!

After looking over this months and February’s, food is obviously an event it my life ;P Particularly pizza. And I was all about going to Concord last March, wasn’t I? It’s funny, when I’m recapping, I always wonder what I’ll be thinking next year of this year…by the way, the (Nat/chair) thing was Natalie falling out her chair/booster seat and everyone in the restaurant noticed before us! We’re good parents.

Link to Feb of the Calender project (which has a link to Jan)