My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for August 2010

So, I (self) published a book. Check it out.

It’s been a great experience. Except now that it’s done, I remember the thing about creating things is this- the high is in the doing, not in the being done. Now that the word is out, I made a fb page, I sold a dozen copies, with a few more promised to sell…I feel unsettled. I feel itchy to begin a new project.

So, I have 2 in mind. I may just start on them both and do  a little at a time (though I usually throw myself into something once I start it). I also want to keep posting links to all my footnotes on the fb page, I’m trying not to post too many at once, there’s 52!

Man, my brain feels irritated.

And I think, in the back of my mind I keep getting bothered that some of the people I most wanted to read and care about this project have shown very little interest in it. I don’t get it. I don’t get why I can’t be ecstatic for all the people that have shown interest, people I didn’t even expect. I’m very blessed with people in my life who give a crap. Why do the few people who seem not to get to me so badly?

On a side note, regarding the past few posts, I’m doing better. The project healed me in many ways…it’s just a daily effort to be in the right state of mind, to do something with all this inside me. I feel so restless within…it’s only occasionally quelled…I can never decide if that’s good or bad…

Posted on: August 16, 2010

I’ve been having problems lately, some of it, I think, it just being too hard on myself. Beating myself up over mistakes, situations I could have never predicted, decisions I made with good intentions. The world is so judgmental and there are so many ways to hear/read people’s judgments thanks to the internet. It messes with me. I feel like I can never be enough, for anything. I just want to disappear. But I keep trying to remember the things I have told others. To be mindful of the present, of your blessing, to have faith (I feel like I’m failing), to treat yourself as you do those that you love…I worry that I should be worried, that I’m doing the right things, the wrong things, not enough…the things that should be clear – trust, faith…I keep wondering if it’s really okay to just rest in God’s hands, to not scramble or try to figure anything out, to not grasp and pull things together, but to just sit and hope and trust it will be fine. That’s not what the world says. Even the “Christians” seem to be so judgmental. I just want to trust, to stop trying, to just let it be. Something’s in me though, messing with my faith. I just want to be free from it. To just believe, truly, to not be worried, to not be responsible, to just be a child of God, taken care of always, no fear, no worry, just peace. No scrambling or figuring things out, just being taken care of. Is that really how it works? I keep arguing with myself…I need true rest. Grant me peace, Lord, rest. Redeem me from my fear and worry. Take over, let me be a child. I love you. In Jesus Name, Amen