My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for March 2008

I’ve been thinking about worth, about expectations (particularly unrealistic ones), about choice, about control, and ultimately about perspective.

We evaluate the worth of things all the time, often unknowingly. Every choice we make is one that has to do with worth: what is worth more to us, what is worthy of our time, money, and energy. What are we worth to ourselves, what are we worth to others, and what are others worth to us. Sometimes people think that if there’s no guarantee that you can maintain, if you foresee yourself failing, it’s not worth it to start. If you are not perfect, you are not worth it….

Unrealistic expectations…

as are the expectation that anyone can carry the world on their shoulders and not break down, that by doing everything “right” someone can prevent or ward off any misfortune…

The need to feel like there is a way to control life…

The choices we make thinking we are shaping our life. Maybe we are, or maybe it is shaping us…maybe both. I think often we don’t actually make choices until we are guided, pulled, twisted, or shoved enough…even the best laid plans don’t turn out how we imagine they will…and how we develop the perspective in which we view the whole process of living…

Is it worth it to plan?…what expectations can we have of ourselves, of others, when we control virtually nothing outside of our own self, and even that can be a battlefield…so we are making choices while our choices make us and we question what’s it all worth, adjust our expectations, our choices, seek some kind of control…etc etc.

Maybe we should exchange some expectations for acceptance, the quest for control for a quest for understanding, undoubtedly changing our idea of worthiness, our choices, our perspective…

not to say that sometimes things don’t turn out exactly as we thought…just that I don’t think many people look back on their life and think “Yep, it all worked out according to plan, exactly what I expected!”. Which I think, overall, is good. We could never plan for ourselves the things we can endure, achieve, inspire, create, overcome…

and for the uninspired who have little expectation for their life, and make few choices, but instead tread steadily down a well beaten path of least resistance, well it can be a nice surprise when it turns out something does happen to you and you don’t just stand stagnant till the end of your days…of course if your mind in encased in brick and steel, barricaded, submerged in water, fried, or just sitting around in the dark the whole time, you might miss it. You might miss the whole thing, you might never know anything did happen…you might take it all like failure, like loss, like disappointment, like tragedy, like meaningless bullshit, like endless heartache, like relentless torture, you might decide it wasn’t worth it, none of it.

You might miss every victory, every little joy, every mountain climbed, every lesson learned, every opportunity to grow, every friend encountered, every simple blessing, you might miss the whole point.

so to choose to seek and expect to gain control of your mind (if you aren’t controlling it, who is?) would be well worth it…says the lady who spends a lot of time with people attempting this feat (more daunting for some than others) and attempting this feat herself…

like how that fear we feel when things are going pretty well, of the imminent rainy day, that can press us to embrace the present or to worry about the future, or to attempt both and how it turns into threads of hope when things are bad and we remember that this too shall pass, or remains a little cloud that we just won’t let go…perspective is so, so much…