My tongue is in my hand…

Archive for the ‘worth’ Category

Posted on: July 29, 2009

I wish the nights were longer. I have so much to say.

I hate never being able to go home…that home is gone. I just want to sit in the barn with that sweet hay smell, that old worn wood. I just want to walk to the creek, in the valley, through the trees…I just want to pick some blackberries and eat them right there, hot from the sun…I just want to feel the porch fan of my grandma’s porch, skip the sqeaky boards…I just want to walk to the store and get penny candy, little caramels…I just want to catch fireflies, make homemade icecream, lay in the hammock, walk up the gravel road, smell the honeysuckle, watch the sunset, watch the four wheelers kick up dust, watch the goats eat kudzu, even haul them water in that black bucket, scoop sweet feed for their trough…I just want to lay in the grass, lay in the dogwood tree…I want a bonfire at the sawmill, I want to go swimming at Julie’s, I want the rec room with all our carvings on the rafters, the curtainless windows of my room…I want a dusty car, an old tree swing, I want to walk through Maw Maw’s house again, touch the green wall. I want to meet Julie midway, I want stray dogs and baling hay and cornfields mixed with sunflowers. I want laying out on the back deck, top untied, no one to see…there’s no substitute for the the freedom we had, but there was a price, to keep it, to lose it, and it all cost too much.


Lord, I’m tired. Too tired to move. Move me, please. Move in me, around me. Keep me safe. Keep those I love safe.

I’m tired of doing things. Do things for me. Handle things for me. Take care of things for me, I’m too tired. Weary past my heart. You do not grow weary.

I’m tired of holding everything, everyone together.

Please hold everyone together, or be with them as the fall apart. Please hold everything together, or be with us as it falls apart.

I am tired, I am anxious, I am weary, I am scared, I am ready to have the weight off my shoulders. I am ready to have someone else take care of me and my life. You are never tired, anxious, weary, scared. You are more than these things, you are beyond these things.

Please, Lord, take care of me. Handle things for me, do things for me, move me, speak for me, whatever you need to do so I don’t have to do this, so I don’t freak out or give up. I am giving up, to you. I give up trying to do all this. I can’t do it. I give up. I’m not doing anything but waiting for your movements in me, through me, around me. I’m done with it. I just want to be a child, taken care of, enjoying life. Living. Living full of wonder and excitement and joy and peace. I don’t want to worry. I don’t want to be in charge of stuff. I just want to be taken care of. I just want to wake up, breath the morning and be grateful, peaceful, joyful, and never worried. I just want to be excited to wake, excited for a new day, no dread, no anxiety, no tasks that feel too much, too big, too scary.

No one makes me feel safe. No one makes me feel sure. No one takes care of me. No one does this but you. Only you can handle it all. Only you don’t make me feel uncertain. Only you lay comfort over my anxious heart. Only you hold me close, tight to your chest and brush my hair from the tears on my face, tell me it is already okay. Tell me you are already handling it and I can let go. Only you allow me to let go. Only you allow me to be free of my worries. No one else says “Child, stop crying, you are mine, you are fine”. No one else says I can stop trying to hold it all up, hold it all together. Others say I’m strong. No one else says I can stop  and leave it to them. No one else promises to hold me, always, all day. You are the arms. You are the comfort I seek that no one else provides. You are the love that abides within my heart, the depths of my soul. You are what makes me whole, what fills the spaces where I ache, where I cry for comfort. You my confidant. You are my best friend. You are my parent, Father, Mother too. You are the lover of my heart and soul. You know my needs, my dreams, my desires. You don’t deny me these things, you lay them before me and so often my eyes are flooded with worldly things, my mind with tasks and burdens, my heart numb to the divine, the supernatural, tired by living. You want more for me and you wait patiently for me to lay before you, open. Broken open, ready to accept everything that waits for me, ready to uncurl my fingers from my life, cast off the guise of control, and just let you do that, just trust and be free. Let your waves and breakers crash over me. Forget the world. The world has rules designed by liars, by  the faithless, by the fearful. Forget the things that don’t apply to me, a child of God, a precious daughter, held above the flood. I love you. I need you. I am more with you than I am on my own. I understand that you are beyond this world and the understanding of this world. I understand that you operate by the divine and supernatural. I understand that you are more than my concerns, that I should take heart, as you already triumph beyond my fears, beyond the tragedies and triumphs we perceive, there you are, waiting for us to see the beauty, waiting for us to let go and stop making it so hard to live.

I need help. Help, help help.

Thank you for always being here for me, for always loving me, caring for me. I need a miracle. I need help. I need a lot of miracles. I need you. I love you. Thank you.

I give up. I let go. I am broken. I am weary. I am anxious. I am open. I am tyring to let go, and it is really hard. I hear the things I “should” do echoing, yelling at me, pulling at me, scaring me, telling me it’s up to me, I am in control, I am going to screw up, everything depends on me. Yelling these things into my chest, knotting my stomach. I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to do anything. I just want to be taken care of. Take care of me. Please take care of me and my family. I am seeking you. I am seeking your serenity, peace, comfort. I am seeking courage, wisdom, relaxation. I am seeking miracles. I am seeking relief. I am seeking alleviation. I am seeking freedom. I am seeking solutions. I am seeking joy. I am seeking fresh air. I am seeking assurance. I am seeking resolution. I am seeking simplicity. I am seeking fullfillment. I am seeking love. I am seeking companionship. I am seeking intimacy. I am seeking to be taken care of. I am seeking ways to let go. I am seeking those quiet, steady heart’s desires that have always lain within. I am seeking those passionate dreams that radiate my soul. I am seeking…I have been loved and forgiven from the begining of the life I know. I am never guilty, I am loved unconditionally. I already understand this free. I am seeking the rest. I am seeking the rest. I am seeking the free fall of faith. I am seeking the joy of childhood. I am seeking the exuberance of weightlessness. I am seeking the person I can be when I am this free.

Maybe I have too many X chromosomes, got married too young and too long ago, was raised too “Christian” or just think too much, but I just can’t understand the term “meaningless sex”. In fact, I think it’s an incredibly stupid and naïve term. There’s no such thing. Not that I think all sexual encounters are “special”, but they also aren’t meaningless. If it is so meaningless, then what’s the point? If it’s truly just about getting off and absolutely nothing else, then why bring someone else into it? There’s a whole industry dedicated to creative ways to get off on your own. Sex means something. It’s not just the fact that skin on skin beats out DIY sex, either. Because it matters whose skin it is. People who say it doesn’t are liars. It matters. There are certain people we’ll put our skin on and certain people we won’t. Who we do it with means something. Why we do it means something. Even inebriated. There’s a reason why we engage in things, or allow things. There’s a reason why we engage in or allow things with the people we engage and allow things with. It means something. Everything means something.

Another concept I find stupid and naive: friends with benefits. Oh, I get it. I get the point. I get why people sell it and buy it. It sounds win-win. But just like anything else that sounds too good to be true, it is (not to mention that I think most of the time one person is really expecting more, the other, less). I just don’t get why people think it’s really going to work out so well. Do you really think you can get that intimate with someone on a fairly consistent basis and neither one of you will develop some kind of attachment? You don’t know much about people (or yourself) if you think that. Of course, if you know for a fact of a situation in which this has truly worked, let me know. I just don’t think so. I think you’re better not defining the relationship and continuously re evaluating it than you are calling it this. At least you both know that you just don’t know.

I say there’s just no such thing as “just sex”. There are motives and expectations attached to every interaction we have, particularly ones where we remove our clothes. And all these motives and expectations are different. Even the reasons as to why each person would choose to engage in “meaningless sex”. Each person has a reason they want to have sex with the other person without being in a committed, romantic relationship with that person. That reason, that motive, means something. Everything means something. Sex means something. It may not mean “love”, but it means something. If it didn’t mean anything, we not only wouldn’t bother doing it, but we also wouldn’t crave it, talk about it, cry about it, fight about it, break up because of it, get together because of it, or write songs, books, and movies about it. If it didn’t matter, then, it just wouldn’t matter, you know?

“Meaningless sex” is a cop out term, so for whatever reason, we won’t dig a little deeper into the significance of our interactions and our motives behind them.

I’ve been having a bad day internally, so I’m doing this:

Blessings List:

1. Bright pink toenail polish
2. Skin So Soft Bath Oil Spray
3. Caribou’s Macchiato with Caramel
4. Caleb
5. Sam
6. Kristin M
7. Renee
8. Alicia
9. Rachel
10. Haley
11. Miranda
12. Sharon
13. Curt
14. Carol
15. Julie W
16. Julie R
17. Julie B
18. Rowdy
19. Oreo
20. Patti
21. Citifinancial
22. WIKJ
23. Vision
24. Fingers
25. Keyboard
26. Laptop
27. Internet
28. Safe neighborhood/home
29. The ability to walk the neighborhood
30. My car running
31. My car’s warranty
32. My job
33. My phone that works
34. Jewelry
35. Colored eyeliner
36. Chocolate
37. Coffee
38. Pasta
39. Natalie
40. Hip Hop music
41. Indie/local music
42. Reggaeton
43. The lake
44. The lake house
45. Hearing
46. Taste buds
47. My face
48. All my appendages
49. My internal organs
50. Growing up without cable
51. The farm
52. The sky
53. The sun
54. The heat
55. Clouds
56. Stars
57. Caribou
58. La Vida Mocha
59. Alice Jules
60. Victoria’s Secret
61. Wine
62. Steven
63. Stephen
64. Megan
65. Kimmy
66. Kristin D
67. My brain
68. God
69. Prayer
70. Wind
71. Blow pops
72. Amanda
73. Brian
74. Toe rings
75. Sunglasses
76. Goodwill
77. Clearance sales
78. Country music
79. Cameras
80. Hair ties
81. Water
82. Running water
83. Clean water
84. Clean, running water
85. Air conditioning
86. Family (in all senses, including church)
87. Friends
88. Literacy
89. My college education
90. Health insurance
91. People who smile back when you smile at them
92. Fresh peaches
93. Fried squash
94. Jason and Natalie’s relationship
95. Strawberries
96. Chocolate ice cream
97. Whipped cream
98. Peanut butter
99. Trees
101.Online music
102.Cheese Omelets
103. Online recipies
104.Ear buds
106.My hair
108. Push up bras
110. Mascara
111. Lipgloss
112. Swimming/Swimming pools
113. Libraries
114. Laughter
115.My teeth

Definitely feel better


Posted on: May 17, 2009

As parents, the church instructs us to model the love of God through our love for and relationship with our children (and our spouses and really, ultimately, for each other all around). The reasoning is simple: in this way, our children can begin to grasp what it is to be loved by God. What it is to accept and participate in a relationship of unconditional love. Of passionate, intense, honest, sincere, adoring love.

So many things around us speak otherwise. We are taught (even by the church) that we need to be “good enough”. We need to act and dress and speak a certain way. For whatever we want to be worthy of. That’s not true when it comes to God. There’s notihng to do about it. To earn it or lose it. You can’t. That’s the whole point of UNCONDTIONAL. No conditions apply. It is, it always has been, always will be. It’s there for the taking. Always. And there’s enough for everyone.

It’s just so hard to really take in though. Because even knowing about it, it’s hard to live with it. It’s just so truly unbelievable. And we have so many versions of love that we experience and participate in that shape our understanding of it all. If we lived with this God-love pumping through us everyday we would have no fears, no worries, no doubts, no loneliness, no lingering aches. We would truly be free. We would be unstoppable. It would be a 24/7 high.

But because love is so many things to us, through so many people, our experiences are all mixed up, the good and the bad. So we can’t fully relate to the God-love. It doesn’t always translate with our versions. But it starts at home (doesn’t it all?). So though we can’t shelter our children from society, from the various loves that they will encounter and participate in, we can do our very best to display our very best version of love for them, giving them the best chance we can of grasping, even if only for moments, the hugeness of God-love and all the power and peace and freedom that comes with it. And in doing so, maybe we will understand it more for ourselves.

At any given time, our lives are subject to change drastically. For the good, or the bad. At this point in the relatively young lives of my friends and I (as twentysomethings), we may have already had moments like this, but the truth of the matter is, we will have many more. Some of us will get cancer, get divorced, lose a child, lose a home, lose our parents, lose our jobs, lose each other, plan funerals, spend nights by our children’s bed in the hospital, be victims of a crime, suffer a natural disaster, survive battles of all kinds that others don’t and live with the knowledge of that…We’ll also experience love, get married, buy houses, get promotions, have babies, go on fantastic trips, make a million shining memories, start businesses, fight for worthy causes, get college and graduate and other degrees, reach milestones, realize dreams…the list of things that happen to people are endless. And these things will happen to us. If our circle is big enough, all these things may happen to all of us.

The thing about friendships and families is that they are really little communities. The larger we allow our friendships and sense of family to expand, the bigger our community is, and the more connected we all are. There’s nothing to hold us together anymore besides our decision to hold ourselves together. No lunchrooms or hallways or dorms…even neighborhoods, jobs, churches, families, clubs and teams can’t hold us by now, unless we decide we want them to. If we want to hold on to one another, we must do the holding. Even if it’s mainly within us, as long as it’s there.

I’m so proud of my friends for doing this recently as we pitched in to support a friend we’ve had for years, even if some of us haven’t had contact lately. Just the coming together in support means that we are holding one another. And this is going to be so important as the years go on. There are so many ways to keep up with one another, no matter how busy or far away we are in physical distance, that there are no excuses.

We have to be vigilant in love. There will come a time, for each of us, that we will be in those drastically life changing moments and  for whatever moment that is, good or bad, it’s sweeter if there is a sense of support beyond our arms reach. If there is, all around us, people who hold us in their hearts and minds and join with us to acknowledge and sweeten the bitter, to pour forth joy at our joy, to grant us the peace that it is to know there are people- flesh and blood people- that hold us, one way or another; to allow us the encouragement of mattering, the validation of our experiences mattering outside our own selves.

I fold people into my heart that may not even know they’ve been folded in, but they are. And should the time come that I think they would benefit to know, they will. I want my circle to be woven so many layers thick with hearts and hands that it will be ready to catch anything. We”are what we have, just each other. The more we hold on to of one another, the more we are held.

We have to be active in our love. We have to be sincere. We have to be honest. We have to, above all things, be willing. Willing to give and receive as needed. I see around me, so many people that may not realize how threaded they are, we are. Every new connection we make as individuals increases our possibilities for community.

No thing, no government or program or amount of money or plan or any thing will save us as much as we can save one another. No accomplishment can compare to the way it feels to have love poured over you from those you love, from those you hold, and from those you barely or don’t even know. It is our responsibility to our selves, to our families, to our friends, to participate in our community, as that community is us. Not only should we be the change we wish to see in the world, but we should also be the people we wish to see in the world.

More change can come from this awareness, this action, than can come from anything else. We are the essence of our deepest problems and our most expansive possibilities. All of us, together. This is not the first time we’ve heard this. But words are just lines and designs if they are not actions; if they are not movements; if they are not digested and used as fuel; if they are not worn across our chests and our knuckles, under our fingernails; if they are not embodied and walking the streets; then they are just things that fill the silence.

We are the things that make words mean. We are the things that make things change. We have, before us always, opportunity to hold one another, based if nothing else, but on our shared existence.

There are things we will never predict, never control, that will come in to each of our lives and change us. There are things in our life we will never be able to hold, or hold on to. And then there is us. Our community. As big as we allow it to be. We have us. We have one another.

May our lives reflect that no matter our differences, we share this -us. We invest in us, we are FOR us. Because if this is true, our differences matter very very little. If we are for us, we are, by default, not for anything that separates us, weakens us. It’s not religious or political. It’s human. We are for one another. Each person is for each other person. To support. To care. To love. It is so simple and we are so complex that I doubt we’ll ever really get it. But if we live our lives, even part of our lives, even a few solid and  sincere days of our lives, each believing this, each living this, then we will thread into our safety net that much more thread, catch that many more broken pieces, maybe even weaving into the part that one day, catches us.

Because, let’s face it: at some point or another, we’re all going down. And the more expansive and tightly woven our safety net is, the less we’ll suffer from the fall.

So this post is kind of girly (of course, I am a girl) . And it has a lot of pictures. Of clothes and shoes and stuff. Just so you know…

I’m about to divulge why I feel superior to people who spend absurd amounts of money on expensive clothes. I’ll preface this by saying that I have never (okay, only for a short period of time) cared much about labels, trends (not style, but trends), or not wearing pre-owned clothes.

So, I have purchased 19 clothing/shoe/accessory items  (pictured below with 2 items that were gifts) for a total of 75$ in the past couple of months.   I never spent more than 25$ per a week while shopping, and it was usually more like 10-15 $ per week.  This involved 3 trips to Goodwill, 2 trips to Family Dollar, 1 trip each to Kmart,  Target, Old Navy, and Walmart. (Nothing was purchased at the last three listed)

Dresses, Shoes, Accessories
Left: Blue dress by Zinc. Empire waist, spaghetti strap, with slits on the side and part of the back cut out. 5$ at Goodwill. (all prices are rounded up)
Center: Black dress by Piper and Blue. Scoop neck, empire waist, tie in the back. 2$ at Kmart
Right: Black and Red dress by Jonathan Martin. Off the shoulder cap sleeves, empire waist, tie in the back. 5 $ at Goodwill
Left: Brown, tan, cream slides with low heel by Chilis. 4$ at Goodwill Right: Black kitten heel thong by No Boundaries. With black rhinestones. 4$ at Goodwill
Left: Silver circle earrings. 3$ at Kmart
Right: Teal and Citrine bead necklaces. 5$ at Kmart
clothes-013Top Left: Black skirt by Gap. Knee length with scalloped trim.
4 $ at Goodwill
Bottom Left: Black skirt by Merona. Floor length with side slits.
4 $ at Goodwill
Top Right: Jean Skirt by Route 66.  Knee length. Fitted. Dark denim, distressed. 4 $ at Goodwill
Bottom Right: Black skirt by derek heart. Above the knee. Ruffled, cotton, with strawberry on top left. 4 $ at Goodwill
clothes-010Top Left: Blue t-shirt by Gap. Small pocket, top left. 4 $ at Goodwill
Center: Black top by Nick and Sarah. Scoop neck. 4 $ at Family Dollar
Bottom Left: Brown top by zoey beth. Scoop neck, keyhole back.
4 $ at Family Dollar
Top Right: Navy top by No Boundaries. Ruched neckline and sleeves. 8 $ Walmart (gift from my mom)
Bottom Right: Pink top by Duck Head Jeans. Keyhole front. Ruched on sides, at bottom. 4 $ at Goodwill
(more pics below in attempt to show detail)
clothes-016Left: Top by zoey beth. Off shoulder. Sweetheart neckline. Empire waist. tie in back. Blue, brown and cream. 7 $ at Family Dollar
Center: Halter by Papaya clothing. Brown. 4 $ at Goodwill
Right: Top by Piper and Blue. Off shoulder, fitted, pink, gray, white, and black. 2 $ at Kmart
Left: Black nightgown with lace. 2 $ at Kmart ( I don’t even wear nightgowns, but this was really soft and 2 $, so now, sometimes I do, even though it’s not very “me”, at all
Right: Blue and brown flops by Crocs (gift from sis in law) around 30-40 $ at Bass Pro shops

The thing about bargain shopping is, it’s kind of addictive. Once you know you can get something you like for really cheap, you have a hard time coughing up full price. And of course, I would have never got this much paying full price, and I don’t really have much to spend, especially now that we are working on one income for the second time in as many years.

So, besides getting to do a lot of shopping without spending a lot of money, another good thing about shopping Goodwill, discount stores, and clearance racks is that you’re less likely to see a dozen other people wearing the same thing as you. You definitely have to be in a certain mind to shop like that though. You have to know the kinds of things you like and want and need, but you also have to be flexible and imaginative. And you have to be willing to look, and look, and look through racks of clearance and such.  It’s good to know what things generally cost full price, so you know if it’s really worth it to buy it this way.  It’s also good to know what you have at home, so you know what will go together (or what you don’t really need).

Obviously, I’m big on staple, classic pieces that you can mix and match, that don’t necessarily fade into oblivion the following year. I like finding things that have little details, it keeps them from being boring (and it usually makes them more flattering). Plus, you can do more with jewelry and makeup if your outfit is kind of basic (dress it up, down, to the left, to the right :P. And you can get pretty inexpensive jewelry to supplement what you already have. And the same with makeup. I like Wet n Wild’s different colored eyeliners, lip glosses, eyeshadows, and nail polishes, they’re about a 1-5$ each. I may spend 10$ on Neutrogena foundation, and 20$ on Oil of Olay Total Effects SPF moisturizer, but I don’t usually spend more than 5 $ on anything else makeup wise. (I know quality suffers a little, but it doesn’t really bother me as much as shelling out the cash does). You know what makes a difference as well? Hair and smell. I’m just saying, if your hair looks however you like it to look and you smell nice, that goes a long way.

That’s more fun to me, overall, because you can kind of match your clothes to your mood or your environment and you get to be creative and  keep reinventing outfits. And I feel like once I know I have things to throw on on a daily basis, I can look more for weekend stuff. And if I haven’t already spent a lot, I feel like I can spend more on stuff I really like and want for those items.

Because I can usually dress fairly casual for work, most of those things will work for workdays and weekends. There are still a few things I really want this season: Tops/tanks in orange, cool blue, lavender, bright green,  raspberry and one of the long hippie dresses (I hate the term Maxi dress). I could probably also use a pair of cargo khaki’s (pants or capri’s), another sundress, and I am in constant need for a new pair of black pants, as I have mended mine over and over. Also, a pair of jeans and tennis shoes wouldn’t hurt. And a new bag… But, really, with these things I just got and what I already had before this, I’m pretty set. (Well, I could use a  tan and a pedicure, and to lose 15 lbs -but that’s another story). And, it’s only April. And, I only spent 75$. (So maybe I’ll manage that pedicure…and just go outside more and use my gradual tanning lotion…and, you know, workout or something…)