My tongue is in my hand…

Posted on: August 16, 2010

I’ve been having problems lately, some of it, I think, it just being too hard on myself. Beating myself up over mistakes, situations I could have never predicted, decisions I made with good intentions. The world is so judgmental and there are so many ways to hear/read people’s judgments thanks to the internet. It messes with me. I feel like I can never be enough, for anything. I just want to disappear. But I keep trying to remember the things I have told others. To be mindful of the present, of your blessing, to have faith (I feel like I’m failing), to treat yourself as you do those that you love…I worry that I should be worried, that I’m doing the right things, the wrong things, not enough…the things that should be clear – trust, faith…I keep wondering if it’s really okay to just rest in God’s hands, to not scramble or try to figure anything out, to not grasp and pull things together, but to just sit and hope and trust it will be fine. That’s not what the world says. Even the “Christians” seem to be so judgmental. I just want to trust, to stop trying, to just let it be. Something’s in me though, messing with my faith. I just want to be free from it. To just believe, truly, to not be worried, to not be responsible, to just be a child of God, taken care of always, no fear, no worry, just peace. No scrambling or figuring things out, just being taken care of. Is that really how it works? I keep arguing with myself…I need true rest. Grant me peace, Lord, rest. Redeem me from my fear and worry. Take over, let me be a child. I love you. In Jesus Name, Amen

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