My tongue is in my hand…

Vent 2

Posted on: July 15, 2010

I would like to say, before I begin this post, that I know how ridiculous it will be to follow the last post with this one, less than 24 hrs apart.

Last night, only hours following that post, I was still fighting anxiety…and then I just fell into a depression, a soothing depression, numb, almost like I’d been drinking. It was a relief. I’d rather feel depressed than anxious.

I feel like a failure. In all aspects of my life. It doesn’t matter what words I wrote before. It’s almost like they weren’t even my words. I wanted them to be my words, but they aren’t. I hoped to convince myself by writing them, but it fell flat.

I don’t know how to continue. Everything is too hard. Everything. I’m doing well at nothing, yet I’m doing my best. My best is so feeble. I don’t want to be discouraged, but I am.

This morning’s depression is not numb, it is desperate. It is tearful. It is wondering how to go about the day when it is so certain that I will come up short in all arenas. God will cover my inadequacies , that’s what I said before…why doesn’t that feel true right now? I’m weary, even from working so hard to believe. I just need things to get better, to fix themselves, to get easier, to smooth out, to simplify all on their own. I don’t feel like I can do this and I don’t know what to do.

I need things to get better Lord. I need. I’m tired. I’m at the end of my rope and I’m not sure how or why to hold on. Is this it? Will it always be this hard? Because I just can’t…I need help, I need real help. I know God is out there and that we are to be concerned less with physical things and more with spiritual things, but damn it, we live here in this physical world, sometimes we need things to get better. I don’t want to live a miserable life. I don’t want to always be struggling. I don’t want to feel like a constant and consistent failure. I don’t want to have to keep working so hard to believe I will be okay, I will be taken care of. I want to see it, I want to feel it, I want to know it.

Every morning is so hard, I don’t know what to do, I feel defeated and worried when I wake. All of this is too much, I can’t do this, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m miserable and I work so hard not to show it, because what can anyone do?  I’m disheartened. Though I am grateful for these moment to write. I just want to be better, to feel better, to enjoy life, to wake up glad in the morning, joyful, peaceful, at ease with the world.

I am so fucking sick  of my day to day. I’m failing at it and I don’t know what to do differently. I feel lost.I’m constantly overwhelmed. Where is my light? Even in the little ways I see God, in the sky or the wind, it’s not sinking in…I acknowledge it, but…

I can’t keep convincing myself to believe, I can’t keep holding things together. Is that letting go? Just giving up and hoping it works out? I’m just so to the bone, to the soul tired. Weary. Sorrowful. Something, deliver me. Deliver me not from my life, I know there are wonderful things there that if I just weren’t so miserable I could enjoy. Deliver me from the stress, from the responsibility, from the failure, from the anxiety, from the depression, from the fear, from the worry, from the struggle. Fix the shitty stuff in my life. Fix me.

The more I think about it, the most shitty things in my life are money and my job. so if I just had a job that was not shitty for me and more money then I could stop feeling so damn overwhelmed all the time. I don’t want money to be an idol, but it sure as hell affects a lot of stuff. So, that’s just the honest truth. Get me a new job, that I like, that I’m good at, that I feel good about. Where I make more money. Let Jason make more money. Let someone just give us a ton of money. Let our bills and debts just magically decrease. Something. I’m just being real. Yes, it’s material, but this life is material. I’m trying to raise my daughter here. I’m sick of being fucking stressed and miserable all the time. What kind of mom is that? I’m afraid I’m missing so much…I’m afraid I’m a terrible mother, a failure. I’m afraid I’m no good as a friend, as a sister, as a wife, as a daughter. I just feel like a failed human being all around because of this money and job stress that consumes me. I don’t know how to stop it. What am I supposed to do?

It’s too much. I need things to get better. I know there are others in this situation, or worse, but that doesn’t mean I don’ t need this help. It doesn’t mean I don’t need things to get better. ASAP. I’m tired. I hate waking up, going to work, starting the day, wondering how to make it to the next, how to scrounge and it’s just too much. I’m so close to done. I’m sick with it. Just take it and fix it. I can’t do this. I can’t even work on belief right now. I’m just here.

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1 Response to "Vent 2"

Talk to someone local about this. Someone close. Get away for a while. Find someone who can look after the kids who can give you some time and just burst out of there. Even if just for a couple of days. You need it.

You need alone time. Vacation time. Talk to someone about getting it. It’s not selfish. It’s not greedy. It’s not an imposition. It’s perfectly necessary sometimes and this is one of those sometimes.

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