My tongue is in my hand…

Vent

Posted on: July 14, 2010

I recognize that I’ve let things take over me that shouldn’t have. That I have listened to words and thoughts and ideas that I shouldn’t have. That I have let these things become obsessions, stealing away all the good things. All these fucking ridiculous things that come at me from tv, radio, internet, other people’s mouths…that are supposed to be “important”. I have let other people’s ideas of important take over mine. I have not listened to myself  and have worried about things that I never worried about before, because I was told to. Because I was told something was scary or depressing or hopeless or impossible or stressful. I just believed it all, I just had no confidence in my God or myself and just believed it. And it has been destroying me. I have accepted fearfulness and hopelessness and anxiety as if they are supposed to be mine, as if I deserve them and do not deserve joy and peace and happiness. As if I am not loved. As if that’s all there is. As is life is a punishment, once you make a mistake or two, it will ruin you. I renounce it now. God is strong in my weakness. His light covers my inadequacies. God does not need me to handle everything on my own, to figure it all out, to control everything. That’s kind of what he does, doesn’t really need my help. In fact, he needs me to let go, to let him move. He needs me to be quiet and still, to seek him, to let him show me the paths to take, all day, everyday. Step by step. Think forward, no spirals.

I believe in hope. The only hope is hope and I will not live hopeless. So what, the world says we’re all screwed and everything sucks and there’s no help, no light, no hope, it’s all fucked. I say, fuck the world. Fuck the whole damn world.

I will believe I will be better. I have a shield. I will be healed. I will not listen to the negative. I have never really realized how crucial it is to have positive people and things in your life and how detrimental it can be to have negative people and thoughts surround you. Everyone’s believing in impossibility and tragedy and no one is screaming out that it’s going to be just fine, it’s just a storm, it’s just a detour. Good God, where are the hopeful?

I just had to write this out. I am not going to be defeated. I will not let a thought spiral me down. I will not believe it is hopeless, pointless, or impossible. I will believe that good things are ahead, that good things are all around me, that each day is full of joy and promise, guaranteed. I will belive that it is possible. I will not lean on my own understanding, I will trust God, I will seek the quiet, so I can listen, I will seek the still, so I can be moved. I will stop rambling myself into circles. I will do for others, I will pray for others. I will not sit in anxiety and prepare for a dozen tragic situations in my mind until I am frozen and capsizing in fear. I will take each stress and before I even consider what to do, I will lay it down, I will lift it up, I will not try to solve it myself. I will not try to control my world. It’s a lie from the world that we should be in control. A demoralizing lie that defeats us and feeds us guilt and self effacement. I will not worry about mistakes, they are from me living my life, it’s not a tragedy to make mistakes, it doesn’t mean I should be punished and don’t deserve good things, it doesn’t mean anything is ruined. Nothing is ruined to God. Just  recognize what’s not working, seek help to change, seek forgiveness, forgive yourself with ease, God already has. The point is not to feel guilt, guilt weakens you negatively. The point is just to live and learn along the way. It’s not a race, it’s not a competition. It’s just life. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes we screw up, sometimes we don’t. It’s just life. God is not something we have to deserve. God is unconditional love, and all the good, beautiful wonderful things that go with that. Those things are ours, we don’t earn them. They are just ours.

The world is so full of lies. I just want to rest in the truth. I want to let go of all the lies in this society that set you up for failure, for fear, that are always trying to sell you something, always taking, always making you feel less of a person. No one is perfect, it’s dumb to expect that . No one has it all together. There’s no reason to try to “have it all together”. The point is not to have it all together. The point is to live in grace. Forgive yourself and others. Love yourself and others. Show kindness (to yourself as well). Show mercy, accept mercy. Accept love. Accept grace. Accept beauty. Accept blessings.

The life of this world, this society is a lie, a big vacuum of disgusting lies that break us down. I will not do this anymore. I will not.

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1 Response to "Vent"

You are immortal.
You decided to be.

Dang it you are so awesome. Thank you for this read. Whew. Gonna go run now.

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