My tongue is in my hand…

Posted on: June 13, 2010

I have been scared when I should have been brave. I have been meek when I should have been bold. I have been quiet when I should have been loud. I have been anxious when I should have had hope. I have been mild when I should have been risky. I have been “good” when I should have been wild. I have been practical a little too much. I have been peacekeeper a little too often. I have been concerned that life may be too long or short that I have weighed all my consequences strangely; as if I really could minimize heartache or trouble and in doing so, set myself up for both.

I know that now is the time to live, I’ve unfortunately made a habit of a variation on a theme and am trying, at times harder than others, to break out. I’m not sure what I need, but I feel (and maybe fear) that it will mean a riot. Not a riot in the street, a riot in my life. And I suppose it’s the fear of this upheaval that holds me back. Yet, it is the inauthenticity of my life that ravages me inside, supresses my ambitions, my potential, my fullness, my beauty, my life, my belief…and there, I suppose, I am already rioting within. I just need to secure the bravery to let it out. Or perhaps I have to let it go – the riot that is, just let it go where it may and stop trying to manage it behind the walls within me.

It’s still about fear. Lack of belief that everything will be okay, listening to too many voices out here, letting other’s desires dampen mine, putting others supposed “needs” first beyond kindness, to the point of self mutilation, afraid to fight, and thus, afraid to really live.

I cannot move forward with fear. It is fear I have to conquer.

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1 Response to ""

Fear is red tape. Just like everything else. Like money like paperwork, like wait periods. You just have to shovel through it. It’s just another thing to check off when going through the list of things you’ll need to deal with before departure. Before really starting.

Everything will be okay. Everything. You’ll get there. 🙂 There’s less comfort in the security of the familiar than there is in the magic of the unknown.

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