My tongue is in my hand…

Posted on: May 13, 2010

So, the morning did not quite go as planned. I fell back asleep, watching tv in the living room. Basically because I was so damn tired that my head spun when I stood up to exercise. So, I laid down for a while, then I got up, did a little workout. Took a shower. Natalie got up, played a little. Got us breakfast. Got us ready. Made coffee and lunch. Got the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded. Got a load of laundry out of the dryer and another one in. Got us out the door. Got to work 2 hrs. later than planned. ;(

Varied between feeling productive and sick at work. The more people that come into that office, talking, taking up space, the worse I work. I couldn’t concentrate or complete any task as I wanted. It’s really frustrating, the way our office is set up.

J needs me to pick up starch, get my car washed, get cash for him to get a hair cut, and clean the house b/c his cousins may come over after the funeral tomorrow. You don’t need to ask yourself why he didn’t do any of these things (besides getting my car washed). There’s no good answer. I asked him if he cleaned anything before he left for work. He wasn’t feeling well. It’s honestly, always something. I do not have the energy or desire to aruge or bitch or anything. I feel like I’m dooming myself to fill this role I don’t want, but can’t figure out how to effectively escape. I’m coping with it (to an extent) but I don’t really want to be. I want to be rid of it.  It’s frustrating.

Like my job. I feel like I’m stuck in a position that I don’t want -at all, and don’t know how to navigate my way elsewhere. Everything seems like an equally bad and good idea. I know far away things I want and have no clue what to begin to get there. I have fear that I can’t get there, or they don’t really exist, or that the things I want are bad or wrong.

That’s my whole problem right now, I don’t know how to navigate elsewhere, from all the places I don’t want to be, I don’t know what to do next, where to look, where to move, what to seek. And I have fear. That’s the kicker.

The only thing I can think is that this is still about trust. I feel like my internal clockwork is all stuck. I don’t know how to implement anything beyond the prayer “help”. So, “help“. I have no compass right now. I’m frustrated.  I don’t want to give up. What is it I need to let go of? What am I clinging to? What am I clogging this up with? Is it fear? Is fear the whole problem (again?).  Please, help. I don’t want to be here forever. I don’t want to be afraid. Or miserable. Or stuck. Help.

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