My tongue is in my hand…

Posted on: May 12, 2010

I’m having a hard time writing. I’m having a hard time being consistent, with anything…as soon as I think I’ve got something somehow in my grasp, it’s gone again…I know there’s just something I’m not “getting” right now, or I wouldn’t still be here. It’s too loud in my world, too busy, too demanding, too needy, to insistent, too anxious, too critical, too lonely, too frustrating, too scary, too perpetually unhappy…

some of it’s me, some of it’s around me, all of it’s affecting me to the point that I’m not living how I want to live.

unfortunately, I’m too foggy in my head to clearly know and go for and seek and pray for what would work, what I want. I don’t know, I don’t know. It’s too much and I don’t know how to get where I need to get, be how I need to be.

it’s little things…that don’t take much effort, but feel so insurmountable, so draining. It’s ridiculous. Everytime I think of making strides, I just feel defeated. This is not good. That’s why I’m writing, to get the thoughts out (as shitty as they may be). I need a plan. I just don’t know what for, or what of…

I just feel so strange, a bad strange…eerie kind of familiar unwanted strange…

Everytime I make a plan, I break it. I obviously set my standards too high, or my efforts too low…

so i need an easy plan. an easy plan. go to bed at a decent time. set alarm. get up. pray. workout or write. wake natalie. fix and eat breakfast/coffee. make a to do list for the day. get us ready. give her a warning 5 min before leaving. drop her off. get to office, with coffee. start working on to do list.

that’s my plan, to get me to 9 am. I am not going to bed at a decent hour. see, already an issue. so subtract that for now. i’ll get up at 6:30. Is two hours enough time? We’ll see. Honestly, this is not much different than most mornings. except a few things. we’ll see if those few things are really big things. i guess that’s where I start. with myself, my day, my morning. you have to start somewhere, right? this is what I would suggest to someone else who sounded so down and clueless.

good night. update tomorrow. or not. we’ll see.

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1 Response to ""

… you were really disoriented when you wrote this… how’d it work out?

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