My tongue is in my hand…

Posted on: April 22, 2010

I decided that if I can’t get out of this mood by next week I’m going to the dr. I just keep feeling bad…..anxious, depressed, etc. I feel defeated, disappointed, distant, hopeless, exhausted, tearful, etc far too much. Basically I’m an anti-depressant commercial. ;P I keep telling myself that I need to start identifying what I’m doing well, or what is good in my life because I know, in my head that those things are there, that I am not in fact, a failure at everything and that the things that I’m worried about don’t really matter. I can’t apply that right now. I just hate my life in general. Aside from Natalie of course (okay, and my friends and stuff, you know). But even then I feel shitty about the kind of mom I am. Not because I think I’m doing it wrong so much, but because I feel like everyone else does everything else better. I mean, obviously my self esteem is like rock bottom right now. And what’s driving me crazy is I can’t even identify what happened to trigger this. Except the job change and the general long term stress that I’ve been dealing with in other aspects. Maybe it’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back…I feel like the world is suffocating me. I did decide that I’m going to look for another job. Who knows how long that will take. And I am going to pray. I think I’m honestly disappointed with God right now? Or something. What really makes me sad is that I know that what I want is for my life to just be easier, happier, a better fit for me and short of God doing something about that, I have to.  A therapist can’t. Medication can’t. Both could possibly aid me, but damn I’m sick of handling my life. I want it to be handled for me. God, seriously, handle my life for me. I’m over it. I don’t want to do anything anymore. Just wait for something to be better. I’m sick to death of trying, of managing, of everything. Somebody make my life better and take care of me. I want to be happy and I don’ t think it should be an effort. Just being honest.

Also, have I mentioned that I hate the leggings as pants trend?

And that facebook keeps making me dislike people or feel bad about myself, yet I keep going back because it makes me feel connected in that lazy, voyeuristic kind of way,

I want to fall asleep and not wake up until I feel better and everything is easier.


2 Responses to ""

life sucks, leggings are not pants, facebook is a drug.

check check and check.

Wowzers bex. You’re suffering from lack of vacation is all. I think anyway. And what do I know?

You’re awesome, the leggings trend will pass, and facebook at least… well it’ll probably pass too, eventually.

You’re not a farmviller are you?

noooooooooooooo, not a farmviller. thank goodness 🙂

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