My tongue is in my hand…

Flash

Posted on: April 18, 2010

I hate waking up with things to do. Of course, everyday there are things to do. It’s just about me getting my mind in the right place. Ironically (only to me) I’m laying in the ladders of light on the floor this morning, instead of looking at them from the couch. I think that’s progress. I don’t care if that makes no sense at all. I think I’m ultimately glad that very few people read this blog because I need to just write and not worry about it being anything but me writing whatever.

I definitely had something in my head to write about and it just floated far far away. Hmmm….

We went to the drive in movies last night. I love it. I can see doing it again this summer. Especially since it’s near dad’s place at the lake. I’m tempted to go ahead and start planning lake weekends. We are going to spend a long weekend camping in the mountains, and possibly a weekend at the beach with friends (without Natalie) in their grandmother’s condo, and possibly a weekend at the beach in a place of one of Jason’s uncle’s. If we actually budget ourselves and don’t spend money stupidly or unnecessarily, we could have a good summer regardless of our shitty money situation.

That’s definitely one of my stresses. Now Jason has a job, but it’s so much less than what he had before, we’ve tapped out savings, and family, and credit cards. I used to be able to tell myself that when he got a job we’d figure it out and it’d be easier, but now it’s just scary because he has a job and we’re still very short. I keep trying to figure out what I can do to help- second job or whatever…I did start actually using the check book register again to keep track of things….so I guess that’s a start.At some point, I’ll have to figure out what to do regarding credit cards and stuff we can’t pay…I am working on a home loan modification…and I am trying to keep having faith. If it weren’t for Jason, it wouldn’t matter. But he cares about material shit. I’d get rid of the house and file bankruptcy or whatever I had to do to just be done with it…and figure it out from there…oh well

Natalie stayed with mom last night, so I’m going to meet them at church this morning. I was really hoping to go to Hope Church again before I went back to Dulins Grove, but honestly, to get to have a morning to myself, I’ll meet them at DG. Otherwise, mom would call me as soon as Nat got up.

I have to do work stuff tonight/early tomorrow morning. The week before, I was able to get things done on Friday, but this Friday was consumed with other stuff and that didn’t happen. I do want to make it happen again though, it made Sunday/Monday better (obviously).

I need to do some Goodwill shopping…Okay, more that I want to, I don’t really need to.

I was very domestic the past couple of days. Bought and planted flowers, rearranged pictures and such in the house, baked banana bread…it’s not that I don’t like those things, I just only like them when I like them. It’s not that complicated.

My mind has been stranger lately. I don’t know if I can explain it. There’s this place it gets to, creatively that in the past few years would kind of come in waves. Now, it’s there almost all the time. The pull is strong. It’s like I’m high for extended periods of time. Which is not completely new. I used to get like that, but it was when I lived at home and had a ton of time to myself, so it was easy to manage to keep it together when I was with people. It makes me think of that quote by Nathaniel Hawthorne

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.

It’s not so much that I am confused anymore as to which one is true, it’s more that it separates me- or it has that potential. Sometimes, I feel like I have to choose against whatever brilliance is within me and with being who my family and friends want and hope and need for me to be. I’ve tried to run middle ground most of my life, but I feel like sometimes, I’m going to have to choose. And I think I’ve been here before. And I chose what’s expected and that didn’t work for me. That was undoubtedly the least “alive” I’ve been…at the same time, I recognize the different aspects of my self, the true responsibilities I have to the people who love me/depend on me. I guess it’s still a balancing thing. I do believe balance is important. But I may have to adjust what that balance is, or what it is I’m balancing…

There’s this other thing. There was this point in my life that was “right”. Sometimes, I get flashes of that time in the time I’m in, and it’s almost like a sign that maybe I’m headed in the right direction. And it all feel like maybe it makes some kind of sense…

Sometimes, I ask myself “did you ever think you would be doing this” and I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised by my life. And I think that means I do know myself…not to say I fully like the life I have, but more that I get it. I used to think I couldn’t understand where I was, but that was me not really acknowledging myself. I know how I got here. I get it. I know myself. The question is always…where am I going now, where do I want to be, what am I doing about it? Still working on that…

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2 Responses to "Flash"

I love that quote.
If you ever want to talk, remember I’m here anytime.

That is a really fantastic quote. I showed it to my lil sister today as part of a conversation we were having. She just started going to a new school. Sitcom life.

Travel somewhere bex. Go somewhere completely uncomfortable and soak in it. I know it’s not the best time for it, as a parent, nor financially, but find a way, find a time, and just do it. Get as far away from everything you know as you can for a while and you’ll clear so much out of your head. Contrast provides definition. 😉

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