My tongue is in my hand…

I don’t think this is a devotional

Posted on: March 30, 2010

I woke up earlier today to try to start my day off with peace and not anxiety. In theory, I like the idea of starting the day with quiet time, a devotional. But I feel like the only way to do that is to write, on here. I feel like my mind wanders too much otherwise, like I will just fall asleep, or give in to the anxiety.

I hate waking up anxious. For most of my life, I have not had that problem. I remember a particular time in my life where I always woke up peaceful and joyful. This is what I keep in my minds eye, what I want to achieve again. I don’t believe that my circumstances should determine my daily attitude. I can be peaceful, even if there are a lot of stressors.

My problem lately is that there is too much. Too much to do, too much left undone, too much stacked up in corners or closets. Too much of people wanting me to do things in their timeframe. I decided two things last night: at home, I’m going to take care of one accumulated thing at a time. Yesterday it was a bag of crap I had taken from my car and thrown in a closet. And I’m not going to let myself get overwhelmed feeling like I need to handle everything right now, or criticizing myself for letting it be that way.

I also decided that work stuff is going to happen on my timeframe. Even if that means I have to set up a timeframe to coincide with someone else’s, I will create and claim my own timeframe as well. I can’t wake up worrying about work or go to bed and dream about it. It is by no means my fault that the system is set up so that everyone has to hurry up and wait for services they need. I’m not going to feel like I have to handle everything right this second for everyone (this applies at home too). I just can’t. I can’t feel that way. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m going to do the best I can do. Before I took this position, they stated they had problems keeping people on this team, in this position, so I know it’s not easy, but I also know if I stick with it, that will be more than those others did. I just have to do what I can- if that gets people upset, oh well, I can’t do this everyday, this can’t be my priority.

That’s what was good about Natalie being sick, I didn’t feel like I had to do anything but be “mom” for a few days. With my job changing, and more of my friends having children and being at home moms, I am feeling the strain of being a professional and a mom more than I was before…I wouldn’t not be either, so…I don’t know.

I’m so tired- physically tired. It was a rough weekend,  sleep wise. And I’m so bad at time management. It frustrates me sometimes. Of course if we didn’t have so many Yankees around here, everyone would know that in the South, nothing ever really starts until at least 15 minutes after the time it was allotted to start. Unfortunately, most of the people I work with are from NY/Philly and don’t understand this concept at all. *sigh*

Jason’s truck is still in the shop.  I have taken several hours 3 days in a row to help him get it, it’s a huge inconvenience and undesired but necessary use of precious funds.

I think my timesheet was due yesterday and I forgot about it completely due to Natalie’s 2am-6am ER run to find out she has strep…*sigh* again

Hopefully I can turn this in today and still get paid friday. If not, that would suck. But I feel apathetic. Sometimes I’m just tired of holding all the little pieces together…granted, timesheets and paychecks are not “little” peices…grrr…I have non of it done. Not a bit. I hate timelines and due dates.

I think there should be some kind of test you can take and how you are expected to meet due dates and timelines should be determined from a variety of factors including not only external responsibilities and stresses, but also internal factors- if people knew how hard I try and all the little things inside that stop me, they’d be so proud of what I can do. Instead, I just look like I can never get it together.

I just want a week of days by myself, doing nothing for anyone.

I think I hate my job.

I really do. I really think I hate it. But it was the best move I could make, as my previous position is no longer going to exist come July due to budget cuts and funding…still a bad fit for me. My supervisor stated it was a good fit…maybe she doesn’t know me as well as a thought…or maybe I’m becoming discouraged to easily. All I know is it feels like math. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense, it’s too much at one time. I feel lost.

I want peace in my day. I don’t want to be on anyone else’s timeframe. I want to figure out how to do that. I feel like it’s going to require earlier mornings…

Also, my dog is driving me crazy. He’s scratching at the vacuum cleaner. Why?

I feel a little better starting like this. I think the key is making the anxious thoughts wait. Deciding- I will not worry about the bank account or bills right now. I am not in the mood or able to deal with it right now, so I’m not going to sit and obsess about it. I will pick a time and address a few things at a time. Tonight. I will address some part of this tonight.

After I drop Natalie at school, I will address work related issues- not before. This morning, I will just prepare for my day. I will not jump into it “like a drunken idiot”, as a friend of mine said about their own habits. I will eat breakfast, write, make Natalie’s breakfast, pray, clean up breakfast, shower/dress, make lunches, kiss and cuddle Natalie, talk to her, sing with her, feed the dog, take him out, play with him. I will take her to school where she will have a egg hunt and I will purchase some of her school pictures. Then I will address my day. I will do the same with work. While working, I will not address finances. While addressing finances, I will not address my social life. When I’m writing, I’m writing. When I’m praying, I’m praying. When I’m eating, I’m eating. When I’m with Natalie, I’m with Natalie. When I’m addressing something like cleaning or bills, then that’s what I’m doing. I will only multi task if I decide it benefits me, not because I’m freaking out.

I will not try to manage every aspect of every (or any) situation all at one time. One thing at a time. On my time.

So, everything that makes me anxious- Fuck you.

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