My tongue is in my hand…

Light Training

Posted on: March 29, 2010

I’ve had a hard time lately. Harder than some others maybe, not as hard as many, I’m sure. But still, hard. I’ve always had a had difficulty with having perspective on my own struggles, with allowing myself just the right amount of wallowing and encouragement. I have a hard time ever talking to anyone, or even writing it out anymore.

But I heard the voice again- in the shower. I didn’t write it down that day. I don’t even remember what day it was anymore.

“I’m training you”

For what?

“You’ll know when you need to know”

What if I can’t? What if I can’t? What if I don’t want to?

“It’s what you were born to do, it’s how you are made, it’s what you’re looking for.”

Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing

I can’t do this.

“Can’t do what?”

Anything. I can’t do anything.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength – You’re having a hard time with the wording ‘Christ’, aren’t you?”

I don’t know. I don’t know. Yes. No. I don’t know.

“It’s okay. You know. I’m training you. Great men and crosses, you remember?”

Yes, I do, I just can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

“You remember the bright light? You remember?”

Yes.

“It’s exactly what you thought it was.You were born for this. You were born a believer. I’m training you. There is such an amazing future. Don’t you see things you’ve believed, hoped into your life?”

I do, I do see those things. I’m so thankful for those things. I’m just tired and scared and tired.

“It’s okay. No pain, no gain, right? You’re training, you should be sore, you should be tired.You don’t have to do this, but you’ll never be satisfied if you don’t. You won’t even really be alive. If you settle for what’s right before you, you will vanish, it will be like you never existed at all”

I know. I breathe to believe. That light. I didn’t know how much that light can hurt.

It hurts because you’re human, it’s taking you beyond that. It doesn’t always hurt, it won’t always hurt. You are not alone, but feeling lonely is part of it sometimes. You will find people to trust, you will have communion, intimacy, fulfillment- you will have what you seek. And you’d never breathe again without the light. You’d be a shell. Don’t underestimate the light in you. You have nothing to be afraid of. There is absolutely nothing, no one you should fear. Do not fear. And remember, this is training.You will find rest. Just not quite yet.”

okay

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6 Responses to "Light Training"

I love you Bex. If you wanna talk, let me know. I’m always awake. Call/text me if you need, 479-221-3330.

ahh, putting your number in my phone right now!

Oooh Bex… đŸ˜¦ I feel like I’m late to the party, … and I know it’s a different situation, but likewise, 417.540.1602. You just keep remembering that you’re awesome. And like you said in one of your earlier posts: Its not the end. It never is. It’s always a happy ending, every time, if that’s now how it is, it’s just not the end yet.

thank you. putting your number in my phone as well!

You weren’t invited. It’s girls only. Duh.

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