My tongue is in my hand…

As usual

Posted on: January 29, 2010

I felt like I was in one of those indie films, where the lighting is always dark and the characters never smile and everything just seems kind of pointless…you know…

It was raining hard outside. I could hear it from inside the Wal-Mart, where I was grocery shopping at 1am Monday morning when I had to be up at 5am to finish paperwork that’s due at 9am that I never manage to complete before the weekend rolls around and will absolutely not complete once the weekend is here.

So, Wal-Mart.Wal-Mart depressed me that day. This huge store, full of stuff. Stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter. I was looking at everything thinking it’s all a waste. What a fucking waste. All this stuff is so disposable. I think this sometimes when I’m in my home, I think, what if someone dropped a bomb on my house today, all this stuff would be destroyed. Stuff, it’s just stuff. Life would go on, broken stuff and all.

But we buy it and buy it and buy it. I’m pushing my oversized cart around buying it thinking about how pointless it is. And then I started thinking about this kid I saw at work, who was having suicidal ideations. I get it. I don’t want to kill myself, but I get it. Sometimes everything is just really goddamn pointless.

There were two lanes left open, once I filled my big metal cart full of things. I was confused as to which one to go to. One was the express lane, which I did not at all qualify for, yet it was the only one with the light on. The other was a regular lane, with the light off, but someone was there, checking people out. They said their produce scale didn’t work. That concerned me because I had apples and bananas. The woman in front of me waved her hand and said she didn’t care, just leave them out. I wanted mine. I did not want to leave them out. I wanted to buy them and eat them at various times throughout the week. That’s why I came to Wal-Mart at one am. To buy things to eat through out the week.

I walked up and down the main aisle. I passed the only other shopper as I did this. We both walked up and down the aisle going opposite directions. Twice. We smiled, laughed, cracked a passing joke. That was nice. That did not feel pointless. But wasn’t it?

I got to the register. The express lane, it turns out, was the one I was supposed to go to. The cashier was talking to some cops that looked younger than me (I’m only 26, I find that unsettling) about how to get out of a ticket she got for having her car tinted too dark. Of course. She was talkative.

It took forever, seeing as how it was an express lane, and I had my week’s worth of things to consume. I got soaked walking to the car, loading the groceries. I could barely see the road driving home. Times like that, I’m tempted not to – go home that is. To just keep driving like they do in those movies. Of course, I didn’t. I have my husband and my daughter and my job and my family and friends and  bills and very very little money (okay, no money), but mainly-  my daughter. Everything else, eh…it all depends on the day, but not her. I would never do that, leave her here to do this without me. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. Kind of like suicide. Not even really considered it, you know, just thought about it, just thought…and let the thought go…and go on as usual.


8 Responses to "As usual"

I hate Walmart.
For more than just that reason. There’s a kind of subculture of Walmart you can notice when you’re in there. I don’t know, like it’s its own little nation of Walmartia. And all the little Walmartians are like the citizens and, lorded over by the cashiers and greeters.

Sounds like a terrible day. 😦 I’m sorry, Bex. And bugger the rain for raining on you and making it worse. Stupid ironically mood-indulgent weather patterns…

*Kristin finally sent me your address. So… I’m writing you a letter.

Walmarita, Walmartians…haha

Yay for letters! I already got Kristins….

Of course you did. She probably sent it before I even GOT your address… Pfft. Sneaky arkansans.

hahaha, i like how you got to use “arkansans”. nice.

I did not send it before I sent you the address. And even if I did, that would have been your fault for not remembering to ask for her address when you called that day.

…and we Arkansawers are super sneaky. ^_^

You ar-CAN-zuns are retarded. post another video.

This AR-can-saw-yer will not take orders.

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