My tongue is in my hand…

Posted on: January 4, 2010

I’ve been off all day and things just keeping confusing me…I’d like to blame the lack of caffeine this morning (which I am currently remedying). I just feel most confused with my confusion. Why am I so confused about my own self, my own body, my own…I don’t know. I don’t even know how to write about it. I just know that I’m emotionally messy and upset right now, and I think it’s about myself, my perceptions, my confusion, my fears, my wants…unsettled concerns that I don’t know how to settle, that I told myself I don’t have to settle, I just have to accept. I want more but already told myself I wouldn’t ask for more from this, because there was no way to do that. But then I doubt…I fear I am so incredibly undesirable…it’s like a fear out of nowhere. Or out of my very deepest fears. That being close to me is offensive…that as soon as someone wants me, they hate themselves for it, they regret it, they push me away, they back track…they put up with me until I leave…but I always miss the cue and hang around longer than anyone wants me too. I just don’t know how to clear it up. I just don’t know how to stop fearing this. How to stop thinking this. How to be sure it’s wrong or be okay if it’s not…? I just want what everyone wants: to actually be wanted, full out as I am, to be loved and beautiful and desirable and cherished and important. I just wonder if that’s asking too much…

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3 Responses to ""

It’s not. It’s natural as can be and insecurities about exactly that are something that every single human being on the planet struggles with. Often enough its just as simple as reading too much into your company’s inability to manage their attentions because there is so much one needs to pay attention to nowadays.

Have a few friends now, locally, that I used to hang out with often before I went out to Australia that now I struggle to keep up with just because there are SO MANY PEOPLE. And it’s hard to fragment the amount of attention you’re physically limited to delivering so that everyone gets their share.

Don’t expect to be especially close to everyone, but do express it to those you truly want to have that kind of closeness with. There’s a balance in there that just… sometimes gets out of whack because people are busy.

Tell you what, if you ever want to check for sure to see if you’re still awesome or not, drop me a line, I’ll sort you out. 😉

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