My tongue is in my hand…

I believe

Posted on: December 17, 2009

Last night was strange, in regards to my previous post. I’ve heard people talk about releasing things into the universe (or to God) and having quick, clear answers appear. Last night, I actually said some things I really thought instead of what I knew would make everything okay, and I know writing it out first is what empowered me to say it. How can I write it out, post it on the internet and still fall back into my old pattern that destroys me? I couldn’t. And it felt awesome, incredible, empowering. And sad. Because it’s not all about me, so there was sadness in it. And maybe some guilt, that I couldn’t do this before, that I didn’t know myself well enough, didn’t trust myself well enough all along to voice my words, my thoughts, my honesty.

At first, I thought, is this it? It’s this easy? And then I realized that of course it wasn’t. This was warm up, a practice round. It’s not there yet. And that frustrates me and frightens me and throws me off, but it’s gonna be okay. I’m out of whack, particularly after last night, but it’s okay. I’m going to keep believing. I’m going to keep believing that God doesn’t intend for me to settle, to compensate, to reconcile. I believe in everything I’ve got in me…it’s going to be great. At some point. Again, it’s the here to there that I don’t know about, that I have to let go of. And I know, of course, that this is part of the point, the journey is precious, purposeful. The wait, the frustration, the question is still there-

“Do you trust me child? Do you really? Then let go. This is not in your hands. Just trust. Just accept. Just believe. Allow for time. Be open. Be open. And believe. No matter what- no matter what hurts, no matter what you don’t understand, no matter what scares you, don’t give up believing- don’t. Just believe. That’s really all you have to do. Everything else will come, I promise, child, I promise.”

I’m trying. I don’t want to do this on my own. None of it. I don’t understand, but I believe.

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