My tongue is in my hand…

Damn it

Posted on: August 27, 2009

There’s this saying that I’m not sure if it’s somehow Bibicial, or more a Christian myth, that the harder you press to God, the harder the devil presses after you…either way…Damn if my car is not f+#@*^.  I am so tired.

And all the other bills, the house, the complete lack of funding…the fear of the options, or lack thereof…I’m tired of this…I’m so tired. I feel like words can’t fully express, or even touch the ache in my heart. I wake up anxious. I spend hours in a confused fog, and anxious knot…just get me through the day…but nothing changes. Maybe I haven’t been trying hard enough all along, making enough effort to improve this, to manage it…I don’t know. I just feel like I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to. I don’t want to. I want it taken care of for me.

I’m freaking out inside all the time…or numbing myself to the freakout….distracting myself. I’m scared of what every person I talk to about it will say. Scared sick…I just want it to get better, go away. Why do I have to keep trying? I just want to quit…walk away…not give a shit. I just want something freer than this. But, I don’t want to let my family down.

God, help me. There’s so much more to me than this, so much more in me. This is holding me back. God, guide my hands, my feet my voice, to move as I need to move. Hold my heart. Just take over. Just take it. You know me. You know my dreams, my heart’s desires. You know my passion, my completion…you know what I ache for, you know how to get me there…and if what I ache for is some result of some falseness in my heart, show me, help me understand…I love you. I need you desperately, not just to get through the day, but to get through these situations, to get to a different place. Please. Take me. I’m a little scared to say those things, prayers are powerful…but that’s where I’m at, so that’s all I can say…

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2 Responses to "Damn it"

Time’s all it takes for things to change. Suffer now, enjoy later, suffer later, then enjoy even later. I have an idea of what you’re going through, and can appreciate the frustration. It’s more difficult on dreamers than it is for concrete thinkers… maybe you should consider finding a job that will make things easier for yourself while life realizes itself? Or have you worked too hard to get where you are to change direction? Whatever it is, hang in there… and I’m going to say something corny like “there’s always that silver lining in the cloud” and “When the going gets bad, it can only get better.” It’s cliched but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Hey Becca…where’d you go? I haven’t seen or heard from you in a while. You’ve got Caleb worried too. =( I hope things are okay where you are. Give me or him a shout back and let us know how you are. Take care Bex…

~Kristin Nichole

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