My tongue is in my hand…

Praying for weightlessness

Posted on: July 21, 2009

Lord, I’m tired. Too tired to move. Move me, please. Move in me, around me. Keep me safe. Keep those I love safe.

I’m tired of doing things. Do things for me. Handle things for me. Take care of things for me, I’m too tired. Weary past my heart. You do not grow weary.

I’m tired of holding everything, everyone together.

Please hold everyone together, or be with them as the fall apart. Please hold everything together, or be with us as it falls apart.

I am tired, I am anxious, I am weary, I am scared, I am ready to have the weight off my shoulders. I am ready to have someone else take care of me and my life. You are never tired, anxious, weary, scared. You are more than these things, you are beyond these things.

Please, Lord, take care of me. Handle things for me, do things for me, move me, speak for me, whatever you need to do so I don’t have to do this, so I don’t freak out or give up. I am giving up, to you. I give up trying to do all this. I can’t do it. I give up. I’m not doing anything but waiting for your movements in me, through me, around me. I’m done with it. I just want to be a child, taken care of, enjoying life. Living. Living full of wonder and excitement and joy and peace. I don’t want to worry. I don’t want to be in charge of stuff. I just want to be taken care of. I just want to wake up, breath the morning and be grateful, peaceful, joyful, and never worried. I just want to be excited to wake, excited for a new day, no dread, no anxiety, no tasks that feel too much, too big, too scary.

No one makes me feel safe. No one makes me feel sure. No one takes care of me. No one does this but you. Only you can handle it all. Only you don’t make me feel uncertain. Only you lay comfort over my anxious heart. Only you hold me close, tight to your chest and brush my hair from the tears on my face, tell me it is already okay. Tell me you are already handling it and I can let go. Only you allow me to let go. Only you allow me to be free of my worries. No one else says “Child, stop crying, you are mine, you are fine”. No one else says I can stop trying to hold it all up, hold it all together. Others say I’m strong. No one else says I can stop  and leave it to them. No one else promises to hold me, always, all day. You are the arms. You are the comfort I seek that no one else provides. You are the love that abides within my heart, the depths of my soul. You are what makes me whole, what fills the spaces where I ache, where I cry for comfort. You my confidant. You are my best friend. You are my parent, Father, Mother too. You are the lover of my heart and soul. You know my needs, my dreams, my desires. You don’t deny me these things, you lay them before me and so often my eyes are flooded with worldly things, my mind with tasks and burdens, my heart numb to the divine, the supernatural, tired by living. You want more for me and you wait patiently for me to lay before you, open. Broken open, ready to accept everything that waits for me, ready to uncurl my fingers from my life, cast off the guise of control, and just let you do that, just trust and be free. Let your waves and breakers crash over me. Forget the world. The world has rules designed by liars, by  the faithless, by the fearful. Forget the things that don’t apply to me, a child of God, a precious daughter, held above the flood. I love you. I need you. I am more with you than I am on my own. I understand that you are beyond this world and the understanding of this world. I understand that you operate by the divine and supernatural. I understand that you are more than my concerns, that I should take heart, as you already triumph beyond my fears, beyond the tragedies and triumphs we perceive, there you are, waiting for us to see the beauty, waiting for us to let go and stop making it so hard to live.

I need help. Help, help help.

Thank you for always being here for me, for always loving me, caring for me. I need a miracle. I need help. I need a lot of miracles. I need you. I love you. Thank you.

I give up. I let go. I am broken. I am weary. I am anxious. I am open. I am tyring to let go, and it is really hard. I hear the things I “should” do echoing, yelling at me, pulling at me, scaring me, telling me it’s up to me, I am in control, I am going to screw up, everything depends on me. Yelling these things into my chest, knotting my stomach. I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to do anything. I just want to be taken care of. Take care of me. Please take care of me and my family. I am seeking you. I am seeking your serenity, peace, comfort. I am seeking courage, wisdom, relaxation. I am seeking miracles. I am seeking relief. I am seeking alleviation. I am seeking freedom. I am seeking solutions. I am seeking joy. I am seeking fresh air. I am seeking assurance. I am seeking resolution. I am seeking simplicity. I am seeking fullfillment. I am seeking love. I am seeking companionship. I am seeking intimacy. I am seeking to be taken care of. I am seeking ways to let go. I am seeking those quiet, steady heart’s desires that have always lain within. I am seeking those passionate dreams that radiate my soul. I am seeking…I have been loved and forgiven from the begining of the life I know. I am never guilty, I am loved unconditionally. I already understand this free. I am seeking the rest. I am seeking the rest. I am seeking the free fall of faith. I am seeking the joy of childhood. I am seeking the exuberance of weightlessness. I am seeking the person I can be when I am this free.

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2 Responses to "Praying for weightlessness"

It has been a bad day hasn’t it?
😦 I’m sorry bex… remember like you said in that other post once, I think it was a quote from a book? : There will always be a happy ending, and if it’s not happy… then its just not the end then.

You’ve got the capacity in you for so much strength and I think the prayer you’re praying now God heard before your birth and he wrapped you in that strength then… knowing you’d need it for times like this. He’s well with you. 🙂 And he loves you. And he’s not the only one.

There are some points though that I think… if you have the chance, and if it doesn’t give you too bad a headache… I’d recommend some wine.

thanks caleb, and we’re on quite the same page with the wine! just opened a bottle…

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