My tongue is in my hand…

If there were such a thing as “meaningless sex”, then why bother?

Posted on: July 21, 2009

Maybe I have too many X chromosomes, got married too young and too long ago, was raised too “Christian” or just think too much, but I just can’t understand the term “meaningless sex”. In fact, I think it’s an incredibly stupid and naïve term. There’s no such thing. Not that I think all sexual encounters are “special”, but they also aren’t meaningless. If it is so meaningless, then what’s the point? If it’s truly just about getting off and absolutely nothing else, then why bring someone else into it? There’s a whole industry dedicated to creative ways to get off on your own. Sex means something. It’s not just the fact that skin on skin beats out DIY sex, either. Because it matters whose skin it is. People who say it doesn’t are liars. It matters. There are certain people we’ll put our skin on and certain people we won’t. Who we do it with means something. Why we do it means something. Even inebriated. There’s a reason why we engage in things, or allow things. There’s a reason why we engage in or allow things with the people we engage and allow things with. It means something. Everything means something.

Another concept I find stupid and naive: friends with benefits. Oh, I get it. I get the point. I get why people sell it and buy it. It sounds win-win. But just like anything else that sounds too good to be true, it is (not to mention that I think most of the time one person is really expecting more, the other, less). I just don’t get why people think it’s really going to work out so well. Do you really think you can get that intimate with someone on a fairly consistent basis and neither one of you will develop some kind of attachment? You don’t know much about people (or yourself) if you think that. Of course, if you know for a fact of a situation in which this has truly worked, let me know. I just don’t think so. I think you’re better not defining the relationship and continuously re evaluating it than you are calling it this. At least you both know that you just don’t know.

I say there’s just no such thing as “just sex”. There are motives and expectations attached to every interaction we have, particularly ones where we remove our clothes. And all these motives and expectations are different. Even the reasons as to why each person would choose to engage in “meaningless sex”. Each person has a reason they want to have sex with the other person without being in a committed, romantic relationship with that person. That reason, that motive, means something. Everything means something. Sex means something. It may not mean “love”, but it means something. If it didn’t mean anything, we not only wouldn’t bother doing it, but we also wouldn’t crave it, talk about it, cry about it, fight about it, break up because of it, get together because of it, or write songs, books, and movies about it. If it didn’t matter, then, it just wouldn’t matter, you know?

“Meaningless sex” is a cop out term, so for whatever reason, we won’t dig a little deeper into the significance of our interactions and our motives behind them.

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3 Responses to "If there were such a thing as “meaningless sex”, then why bother?"

Just learned that when making comments on this thing that the box is resizeable. That’s awesome.

I’m a little conflicted with this post actually. Sort of… I’m actually saddened to say that I don’t completely believe that there always is completely purposeful sex. I believe massively that it always should be… but I’ve found places where it just doesn’t seem to be.

There was a swingers couple that I knew a while back who treated the entire affair as no more dramatic than who’s turn it was to do the dishes or take out the trash. An obligatory part of whatever relationship created by the physiological urges of each person. Something completely natural that you were comfortable doing with this particular other person. And they would have argued that it was just as casual. They were together (I suppose less exclusively than the average couple) for reasons actually much reminiscent of another post you wrote, that I copied and reposted. Remember? That we fall in love that we get together because we’re in the same place and we’re looking for the same things. The intimacy they shared had absolutely nothing to do with sex and I could see it… even as it seemed immensely bizarre to me.

I chalk it up to there are more strange things in this world than can possibly be imagined.

It’s sad though that something so powerful can be reduced to a thing so simple I guess… but people assign meanings to things, and the meanings can be different between two people who are sharing it true… but I think if we’re talking about the actual person themselves I could see it and say yeah… actually you had nothing to do with that, you stepped out of the room and your physiology took the wheel. Making it as though they were barely even present for it.

… sad.

yes, but there’s a reason why the sex is had in the first place. there is a reason people engage in sex, however they engage in it…why is it treated casually, why is it no more (or less) important to those people than doing the dishes or taking out the trash? there’s a reason. it means something, that it is treated the way it is treated. it is because of something, a belief or experience…a combination of the two…

there’s a reason people do everything people do, and that was just the point. it means something the, things we do, the people we do the things we do with. there is always something behind it. I believe there’s always a “why”.

And I agree that it’s sad that we can reduce something that has such intense potential to trivial b.s.

Awe crumbled crackers! I just wrote this huge comment and hit POST and the stupid thing clicked me offline and burnt it. Pfft.

It was just some nonsense about how I used to know a couple of swingers who derived their intimacy from just about everything BUT sex and about how weird the world can be and all that…

Lost it all now. 😦

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