My tongue is in my hand…

My tongue is in my hand

Posted on: July 7, 2009

Sometimes I have a hard time enjoying other’s creativity. I am restless inside.

Sometimes, I think I was born with a deep, unquenchable sadness,  an impenetrable solemness, an insistent restlessness that will not quiet, will not soothe, will not satisfy, will not stop. Not to say I am never joyful or never enjoy things, because I do, and I am. But there’s something there that has always been there, with no reason, no source. I think, ultimately, it’s that something that drives me to solitude, that drives me to create, that drives me at all maybe. An inquisitiveness, a constant need, a hunger, a thirst…

I think I keep my words close so I can do what I want with them (0r them, with me). Once you’ve talked it out and talked it out, it’s not yours anymore. And that is quite the loss for me. to give away my words like that. It inevitably leads to a sort of loneliness, lack of absolute intimacy, but I think I have chosen that. I have decided I’d rather risk lonely that risk losing my words.

Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to do it differently.

And it’s not like the words never come out. But it’s like, once they do, they are their own entity. It may be indirect, it may be transposed and off beat, or odd shaped, but anyone who looks for my words can find them. They are right here. I offer them up more now than I ever did before. And I don’t think I have to say them. I like them like this.

And sometimes, once they are like this, I will say them. Because I have explored them so intensely that I own them enough to say them.

My tongue is truly in my hand.

(though maybe not as literally as it is for you, Sam! 😉


2 Responses to "My tongue is in my hand"

Ha ha 🙂

I can understand that thirst. It’s frustrating because no matter what you do or not do, it doesn’t make a difference. It’s like a thing under the world, which is just a thin veil separating you from the truth, the feeling that would free you.

Well you gotta put your words somewhere, and to keep it inside would be a shame for your readers!

You just know you better than anyone else could ever know you, even if you spent all the time there was on selecting just the right words to explain yourself.

it’s safer.

… it’s fair.

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