My tongue is in my hand…

Sex, friends, and how to hit on me

Posted on: March 4, 2009

If you don’t know me and want to hit on me, I much prefer the method that goes something like this:

-Eye contact. Small talk. Are you married? (or similar question). Small talk. Alright, see you around. – Should we see one another again, we can wave, nod, chat, etc. It’s cool. Nothing weird. You weren’t rejected, I wasn’t available.  It’s all good.

Just so you know, I am also fine with random catcalls from trucks at the gas station. This is quite straightforward and rarely requires anything else of me but a wave and smile in the general direction as I walk away. “Hey girl”s from car windows as you pass me on the highway are also unthreatening (and pretty funny).

I do not prefer this method:

-Eye contact. Friendly conversation. Flowers and balloons left at my office on Valentines day- I’m confused. Are you being nice or creepy?(the fact that you are old enough to be my dad attributes to the creepiness) Do you think I’m interested? Are you flirting? Does friendly conversation (one time) constitute flowers and balloons? When I see you again I feel weird and like I need to mention I’m not available and possibly even be less friendly (which I really don’t like to do).

I also do not prefer this method:

-Sit next to me in class. Talk to me on a regular basis in class. Halfway through the semester freak out on me because I mention I’m married.- Really? Now I feel weird and like I was leading you on??  I wear a ring. You could have asked. Or at least not freaked out on me. Or you could have just lead a conversation into that territory a long time ago. And not freak out. Really unnecessary. And weird.

and this method does not please me either:

-Passing comment. Passing comment. Small talk. Find out I’m married. Ask if I’m going out with just my girlfriends sometime soon. Find out I have a kid. Say you still want my number and ask if that’s bad.- Yeaaaaa, if I were looking for an affair, it wouldn’t be with you.

if you do not want to hit on me, but are just interested in getting to know me (with my clothes on), then this works well:

-Greeting. General comment about what caught your eye (maybe what I’m reading or writing, etc). Chat. Don’t give me the “Hey girl” look. Be nice. – Maybe to some, any time someone starts a conversation with them, they think they are being hit on. I usually assume someone just wants to chat and love talking to people. This is why I really don’t want to feel like a friendly conversation invites someone to pursue more without clarifying the situation or their intent first.

Even if I were single, I’d much prefer someone letting me know as soon as they do that they’re kind of interested in taking things that direction. I don’t think I’m flirty at all (not compared to how I used to be!) but I think there’s a friendly level of flirtation that you allow in relationships as they progress, even as friendships, and it would really benefit everyone if those cards got laid on the table as they are picked up. Because if you do it soon enough, you can probably salvage the friendship and carefully set that admission to the side (and possibly revisit it in time).

I went through a phase where I didn’t make any new male friends because I wasn’t sure how to navigate the forming of the friendship without the sexual overtones. Not because I am just that desirable or flirty, but because I felt that signals were being received from me that I wasn’t sending out. I couldn’t understand how to get to that comfortable place with new  guys, where compliments aren’t automatically come ons, coffee or lunch is not a date, and touching your arm is just a general gesture.

A (male) friend of mine brings this up to me a lot: Can’t men and women be just friends?  I think they can, if they both want to be. I think, even if you find someone attractive and desirable, that doesn’t mean you want to pursue anything with them, or that you have to, if it’s not appropriate at the time. I think you can develop great love and intimacy through relationships that don’t invlove sex. I think it does get messy sometimes, and sometimes lines get crossed (even if they’re just in our minds) but I think it’s possible to grow close to someone of the opposite sex and not pursue a relationship relationship with them.

The same friend who asks me this says that love is friendship and ultimately there is not much difference in the love we feel in friendship than the love we feel in romantic relationships (it’s just minus the sex). And honestly, the distorted version of sex that we accept from one another is so ultimately unfullfilling, that I think it’s not so bad to be on the sexless end of a love. Not that sex can’t be amazing and fullfilling and transcendent of physicality, I just think that usually, and for most people, it’s not.

Otherwise, the watered down (or plumped up) versions of it wouldn’t be used to sell every product under the sun and people wouldn’t hop from bed to bed still searching or bargaining or whatever it is that people are doing with it. Sex at it’s fullest potential is simple and intense and in no need to show itself off because it is just that awesome being what it is.


2 Responses to "Sex, friends, and how to hit on me"

Ah, this is such a delightful post!! I have experienced the same sort of dilemmas many times and thought it was because I lacked some sort of finesse when it came to the opposite sex but this makes me feel well, normal (smile). Thanks so much. This is just fabulous and well written!

“Sex at it’s fullest potential is simple and intense and in no need to show itself off because it is just that awesome being what it is.”

This is perhaps the most awesome thing I’ve read all day. And i read a LOT in a day.

this was a great, funny, cheeky post. ^_^ Super-duper enjoyable.

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