My tongue is in my hand…

And Jill came tumbling after

Posted on: February 19, 2009

I’m like a watched pot. I won’t boil while you watch me, and it takes a while. When someone delivers information to me that is upsetting, shocking, disappointing, etc, my initial reaction is barely a reaction. Even when something bad happens in front of me, like Natalie getting hurt. I’m not quick to panic, I just take in information, process it, and then react (this is obviously a sped up process if it is Natalie getting hurt, but still, no panic).

This makes it hard to ever voice my upset, because it’s always delayed. Information that I initially accept may upset me once I’ve processed it and then it seems like I’m acting weird about it, but really, I’m just reacting.

So, when I find out at work that I will go from my salaried position (that I just got!) to hourly again busting my ass to get hours working in the field instead of splitting time between in the field and doing paper work, I was initially okay. I even really thought I was okay, I worked hard to be optimistic, to think positively, to be determined to make it work well. But that has, through out the week, dissolved into other things. Anger, frustration, depression, and more anger.

I am dreading next week. They have restructured our situation to where this is basically a dead end position. A position that used to be starting ground is now the only ground. If you are only in the field you will never gain the experience you need to translate this into anything else. And they say you’ll still get the experience, but I kind of doubt it, just like I doubt we’ll get the hours we need, because I rarely did before. And my main concern is hours. They gave me a bunch of kids, which is all well and good except I’m supposed to fit 35 hours of support into 15 hours of afterschool time. And during the day do what??????? Watch my money disappear from my paycheck for every 15 minutes I’m not billing?

The system doesn’t work. It didn’t work the way it was, and it’s not going to work now. The whole system, not even the company I’m with, just the system in general. I tolerated a lot for the past couple of years with the idea that I would be moving forward. I feel incredibly cynical regarding what is asked of us. It’s not doable. And it’s not okay with me. And I’m not interested in forming new therapeutic relationships. I’m just not. I’m not interested in this job at all anymore.

It’s kind of like when you’ve been working really hard to hold a relationship together through some tough times and you keep giving and adjusting and hoping and then finally you realize that it’s never going to be any different and you just stop giving a shit. That’s pretty much where I’m at.

It reminds me of when I was working at the daycare. I stopped caring, I stopped having any patience with the kids or other employees. I stopped doing anything that took any effort if I could get away with it. I was just so over it. It was such a bad place to work. I dreaded each day. I had migraines all the time. It got that way once I was out of school and had Natalie and couldn’t find a job with my degree (it took 10 months!). I had climbed this big hill and I wasn’t anywhere yet.

Well now, I climbed this big hill and got somewhere and got shoved back down the hill and was told that it wasn’t exactly what it was. “We are utilizing everyone’s strengths ” Bullshit. You’re making as much money as you can.

I’m looking for another job. I know it may take forever. That’s depressing. I want to kick someone everytime I think about next week. It’s completely unfair to the people I’ll be working with. Everyone I’ve talked to is frustrated or concerned, but I don’t know that anyone else is as upset because they haven’t been hustling for hours out in the field for the past two years like I was, I’ll be interested to see how everyone reacts after a few weeks. I guess I’ll be interested. Maybe I’ll just be validated, because I’m not really interested in anything related to work anymore. I don’t want to do my job well, it won’t benefit me at all. I don’t want to learn new interventions or be organized or nurture work relationships or anything. I don’t want to do that job. I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT JOB.I thought I worked my way out of that job.

I am officially burnt out. I have this box of work stuff and I wish I could burn it in a field and beat it with a bat Office Space style. I’ve lost confidence in my company and security. For a company that focuses on Mental Health, they kind of suck sometimes at considering their employees, but they play it off like they care, it’s all very tricky and you won’t catch it at first. In the end, business is business and it’s all about money and I wish I hadn’t thought it’d be any different working in this field than it is any other.


3 Responses to "And Jill came tumbling after"

Oh Ugh… that’s awful Becca. 😦 I’m sorry
I am so behind with this blog. I really need to get some consistent internet access. Moving around too much now, snatching wifi where I can. I really am so sorry about what happened with work. That’s ridiculously unfair…

… stay strong.

Thanks Caleb! Much needed support 🙂

Why are you moving around so much?

I watched one of your you tube videos by the way, and it looks gorgeous out there.

Thanks. It really is a pretty spot. I just moved from Surfer’s Paradise to a place called southport and I’ll probably be moving back to Surfer’s in a few months, surely following the move from my current job to something retail in brisbane from there transfer to management in Surfers and then onto completing my studies in Journalism and working for God knows who.

Keeping busy is all. Just everyday life. ^_^

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