My tongue is in my hand…

That which grows fast withers rapidly, that which grows slowly endures

Posted on: February 7, 2009

While I’m on a memory lane kick…when I was pregnant and finishing up my BA I was taking some night classes and I remember thinking everytime I was driving to school how soon I wouldn’t be able to just go like that, espcecially at night. For some reason, Gorillaz was always on the radio while I was thinking this.

So the first time I got out of the house at night (Jason worked nights, so it really was freaking impossible to get out at night with a newborn in the winter time) I went to see Ten Missing Days, they were playing on campus (one of their last shows, little did I know). I hoped to see some familiar faces (and I did see a few:). My brother in law went with me and he was driving and I remember seeing some tower (probably a cell phone tower) and I was like, how long has that been there? And he was like…ummm…a long time. And I knew I’d never seen it before and I really had been exiled from the world for too long.

I don’t know how people have more than one kid and still exisist as a person seperate from their children and their role in their life. As much as I always knew I wanted a family, I also want a lot of other things, and I want to be a full person, for my daughter as much as (if not more than) for myself. But I know everyone’s different, everything’s different in every life, so it’s just about finding what works.

People keep asking, saying she needs a sibling, now’s the time…blah blah blah. Is it just something people say, conversation filler? Do you know me or my situation at all and really think that would be a good idea? Do you just want another grandchild, cousin, niece, nephew, pregnant friend etc?Are you just curious?  Probably (except the grandparents). But still.

And I think about those first months with Natalie and I think, yea, I’d do that again in a heartbeat. But there’s so much more to it than that, and I already have Natalie and a FT job, so it would already be harder. Not to mention childcare issues, finances, and my sanity. And my body. And my sanity. Right, I mentioned that already. I’m not really willing to sacrifice myself anymore. I’m just not. So it’s not fair to bring a kid into that. I have found (am still finding) my way with Natalie, as a mom, as a person. As I’ve said, I owe her (and myself) my presence. I have a lot of things I expect from myself and am seeking right now. Now is the time for these things. I know this in my heart, in the place behind my heart. I probably have 10 more years to have kids with no inherent risk (save anything I don’t know about). And I know it’s not always easy, conception is not always textbook like it was with Natalie, but every thing is a bit of a gamble.

We make choices, with our eyes set on the expected or hoped for outcome, accepting all other outcomes that every choice bears; the variables, the things we can never know or prepare for completely. We can never predict what others will do, what will happen in our circumstances, in the world around us, and in ourselves. How harsh can we be with ourselves, with others, when no one knows?

I think one of the best things we can do is seek to be in tune with our selves, making decisions based on what feels best. Not in the instant gratification sense, but in the heart and soul sense. What feels like the best choice, minus the noise, the people, the world…from the quiet place inside (where if you believe, God resides). In my experience, these choices don’t always make sense, especially to others, they are often messy or strange at first, unexpected, but they sit easy, they are followed through because of the conviction of peace.

I am maybe adding into what I want this year: increase daily presence, practice being in tune, along with the self management and assertiveness (it really all goes together). And seeking communion with God before I breakdown, and when I’m doing well, not only in the breakdown. Like really spend time, not just “hey, thanks, everything’s cool, that’s great, want to keep it up” kind of thing

I am recognizing my reappearance more and more. The walk, a bubble bath, communication with people, the dinner tonight with Natalie, the makeup ritual, the bracelets, the earrings, the hair, it’s the little things that wash you away, it’s the little things you give up, it’s the little things you take back. “That disturb nothing too much, but everything just enough. Before you know it, you’ve lost things you didn’t even know could be taken away” (Losing Wars).

You know what? The tv’s not even on, it’s not necessary. I don’t need background noise tonight.

I’m going to be okay, everything is going to be okay.

I’m okay, everything is okay.

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4 Responses to "That which grows fast withers rapidly, that which grows slowly endures"

I can somewhat sympathize. People keep saying “It’s time to try again!” when they have no idea what is going on in our bedroom. It pisses me off. Do they ever think I want to be pregnant again just as bad as they want to see me pregnant again?

I am a HUGE advocate of NOT asking people anything about pregnancy or conception unless they come to me to talk about it. It’s not my business and you never really know what the other person is going through.

All I know is, right now, if someone tells me it’s time to get busy and make another baby I am liable to flip my lid on them.

The title is perfect for this one. What a true theme… Thanks for another great read. Sorry I haven’t been around as often. Started a new job, sucks up all my internetting time. 😦 Keep writing! Gonna eventually post photos of Natalie?

Where’s the new job?

I work at a place called Australian Escapes. We sell discount vacation packages over the phone. 😛 Some actually great packages really. ^_^

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