My tongue is in my hand…

Make the effort

Posted on: February 7, 2009

I want to remember everything about it. That first 10 months or so. I wonder if what happened the 11th month changed everything and then I wonder how it couldn’t. And then there was starting my “real” job at that same time. It’s hard to know what did what (graduate college, have a baby, completely question and give up on your faith/spirituality, start a career, and the worst birthday ever + aftermath: all in one year). Anyways –

I’d like to preface this by saying that I really couldn’t be a stay home mom. I really really couldn’t. I’m not cut out for it at all. But, that first while there while I was on maternity leave and all I did was take care of Natalie was one of the simplest, calmest times of my life. At the time, it was consuming and exhausting, but because it was those things, it was also the other.

What I was doing was taking care of Natlaie. That’s all. I felt competent (all that time working in daycare). She slept on my chest while I layed on the couch watching The Cosby Show and A Different World  (basic cable). At night, before she was in a crib, she slept in the bassinet beside me and I left the tv on late night talk shows so I could see when she woke up (and I’m sure for other reasons as well).

The summer sticks out in my mind, her little chubby baby self in all the little summer outfits. The first year ever it was irrelevant to me how I would look in shorts or a bathing suit (until after I saw pictures, that is).

But what really sticks out is nighttime, once she was in the crib, which was in the same room as the computer room at the apartment, which I miss a lot, but that’s another story. The computer was a nightlight, and I played this CD by Charlotte Youth Oratorio so that there would always be some noise and hopefully I wouldn’t wake her doing stuff around the apartment.

Lavender baby lotion, pampers, that cd, purple bedding, baby sleepers.

I held her last night and rocked her in my arms while she pretended to sleep and her nightlight was on, a faint blue, her radio was playing, she had taken a lavender bubble bath; it was flashback. Before my head was swimming and overcrowded. Before I was conflicted. When the absolute only thing that existed was the two of us.

I vowed to try harder to create that time for us, to be more present.

It’s like any relationship, the day to day can shroud the heart of it, if we don’t make the effort.

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