My tongue is in my hand…

Session 2 (we find what we seek)

Posted on: January 30, 2009

I am making myself write and not go to sleep yet. I have paperwork to do too.  *sigh* Always. I’m feeling better about the job, but it’s the kind of job that permeates your life. I don’t know why I thought working in mental health would be the kind of job that didn’t.  It’s not just the people, it’s the system, the underfunded, constantly changing system. I think it’s going to be alright though. As long as I feel I’m capable, I feel it’s okay. I want to do well and earn the experience that will grant me opportunity and expertise to utilize myself within the community in all the ways I’ve imagined since that mission trip to Mexico.

It was that trip that made me hungry.  I got my hands dirty and I decided that’s all I wanted to do.  I wanted to do something.  I didn’t want to go to school forever before I could do something. I didn’t want to sit in an office and help someone as long as their insurance would pay me to do so.  That’s why this job fits me. It has a lot of drawbacks, but my hands are dirty.

I’m in people’s houses, I’m privy to their secrets, their struggles, their fears and I’m right there with them trying to sift through the obstacles and cope and reach their potential, get to the place where their dreams are within their grasp, no longer out of reach. I’m there when it all falls apart over and over working with them to defy their illness and circumstances and get to the point where they are living their life as they want, in spite of whatever still lays at their doorstep.  Some circumstances are not easily remedied (if they can be at all) and same with mental illness. It’s not about a cure so much as it is about coping. And sometimes coping is the cure. And sometimes coping eliminates the idea of a cure.  I’m brainstorming and learning and educating and counseling and empathizing and problem solving.  I’m seeking resources and making links.  It’s about mindfulness and belief and creativity and seeking and assertion and empowerment and education and determination and justification and validation and operating under the premise that nothing is insurmountable and it’s never too late to make your life the best it can be. It’s about moving on from the past, moving forward. It’s changing your actions, replacing negative thoughts, allowing your feelings and figuring out how to deal with them.

It’s just life. It’s just living. (and an assload of paper work and semantics)

That’s what I see the most, I don’t see the people I work with as that different than me. People are people.  Our cores are so similar it’s ridiculous that we can so easily be fooled into thinking we are so different.

I didn’t have very effective examples of healthy living growing up in terms of mental health.  I am undoubtedly considered the most well adjusted member of my family, which seems like a joke to me, I just have a great poker face. Granted, I found poetry and through this maintained my sanity, but something happened you know. I jumped into grown up with no guidance.  I just wonder why; was I that headstrong? Was I really perceived as that capable?  I know that it’s just that my parents were consumed with their own things and I did well with everything: school, friends, boys, social activities, hobbies, leadership, strong spirituality, no obvious fuck ups…so I was left to my own devices. Giving advice more than I ever asked for it. Did I ever ask? I never believed in the advice given to me from people who I loved but did not admire. How can you seek advice from those who seem lost to you? Could you say I never trusted the decisions of these people in their own life so I did not trust their advice?  Does this have anything to do with the lack of trust I have in personal relationships? I’m sure it does. I don’t feel like delving into that. I do know though that my perceived proficiency in managing my life even as a child couldn’t really be the explanation for the lack of guidance because my sister received none and she did not display the same traits, but often the opposite (I think maybe on purpose some, hoping to be the squeaky wheel…?)

The point is not about my parents, because I love them and am grateful for them and all they’ve done, and get it. I just feel so sad that I didn’t have any help with life. I don’t know if it would have made a difference, but I can’t help but think that it would have.

Of course the point is now, now I have a ridiculous access to coping tools and mechanisms and a million opportunities to do the best I can with what I have and I have dozens upon dozens of people attempting the same feat with so many more obstacles or so much farther back at the starting line.Do I just want my struggle to be validated? Probably.

Sometimes it’s the little place in between, falling between the cracks that is the most dangerous. Sometimes I feel like my whole life has been falling between the cracks. Not too much either way, never enough to be on either side.

I’m ready to write something creative again, there are some things spinning.  But I’m tired now.  I always have so much I want to do but can never get it done. But I have to sleep. It’s okay to sleep. It’s okay to sleep more than 5 hours. Just because you have run on 5 hours doesn’t mean you should.  It’s only now, late at night that I feel alive sometimes. When I’m by myself writing. No, I feel alive with Natalie. Watching her beautiful little face or feeling her hands on my face, listening to the silly things she’ll say…

Jason said I’m in a bad mood all the time, but I don’t really see that. I think I’m easily irritated when I get home from work and try to do something like cook dinner or clean up or use the bathroom and I can’t get a minute of uninterupted time…and I’m catering to him less and less because I really need him to be a grown up and I didn’t understand that things I did in love when we were first together would be abused and not reciprocated until the pattern of our relationship was formed and I was too intent on not fighting to stop compromising myself. (until now, but we’re 8 years in).

I’ve been talking to my friends (and sister) a lot more though, on the phone, internet, even in person 🙂  This feels really good.  I used to feel a lot of things were holding me back from that (internal and external) but I’m kind of letting all that go and enjoying those people again. I miss my guy friends though.  I have a few who I’m grateful for and I know that I did the distancing a long time ago and it’s hard to pick up sometimes when a lot of the friendships were casual we all hang out with the same people kind of thing and they all hang out, but I’m limited in my hanging out options due to the whole family thing- and Jason not knowing or wanting to get to know those people. Most of my girlfriends though are doing the family things as well or very willing to cater to it. It would help if…irrelevant now, moving on…

I’ve been working really hard on not feeling confused this week. Literally praying for clarity to face my day and handle my life that day and it has helped. Seeking the clarity.

We find what we seek.  We find what we seek. We find what we seek.

Maybe that’s my motto for this year (or this week, or this life, who knows 🙂

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1 Response to "Session 2 (we find what we seek)"

You’ve been forced to be older than you are…

Ugh… struggle does that doesn’t it? Soul-oppressing bastard that it is.

You’ve got to clue me in on these names. I’m getting the idea… but nothing’s really concrete in my head.

Natalie is the tiny one. Your special face.
Jason, that’s your guy isn’t it?

I’ve heard a few other names… still building the Becca’s-World-Directory. ^_^

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