My tongue is in my hand…

This year…

Posted on: January 20, 2009

I decided two things I am focusing on this year.

One is inspired by a line from a poem I wrote: “stop biting your tongue at all the wrong times/you’re the only one that has to live your life.”

I am a peacemaker. I am a compromiser. I have played that role as long as I can remember. I will do without. I will bear emotional weight to spare someone else, or to spare myself the dissonance. I hate drama. I hate fighting. I hate people being mad or hateful and I hate the things that are done outright in anger or the passive aggressive or manipulative things that people do in anger. I people being hurt. I just want everything to be okay. I’ll be cool with whatever so we can be cool as we are. I accept people. I naively expect that others will treat me with the amount of care that I treat them.

If I saw someone laid out before me, I would lay down with them, or I would gather them close to me and carry them with me, or help them walk beside me. But too many people don’t do that. Too many people see someone laid out and step on them, or over them, or around them.

So, I want to work on being more assertive

Second thing is: I lack self discipline. I want to manage myself  better.  I feel frustrated with so many things in my life that I feel are overwhelming me and out of control or just generally really messed up and I know if I can manage my self better I can manage so many of things and feel more in control and more satisfied overall.

With this, I just want to develop an internal gauge, kind of in the same way I did when I counted calories. I was serious about it for 2-4 weeks, journaling and recording and calculating until I got it. Until I didn’t need to look up how many calories were in something or how many I’d had that day (I should do this again, no doubt). It increased my conciousness of what I was eating and how much compared to how much I needed and it made me more accountable for what I was eating and eventually more careful about what I was using those calories on.

So I want to increase my consciousness of how I spend my time and how much time I actually have for all the things I feel I can’t do or whatever, what time is wasted, like empty calories. I didn’t used to need this, just as I didn’t need to count calories before I did need to. Things change, life gets handed to you piece by piece, (or maybe you snatch some pieces back from those you unwittingly allowed possession) until all of the sudden no one else holds the pieces and it’s all up to you to do with it what you will. And sometimes that means doing things you didn’t have to do before.

“The responsibility for who you want to be is so blatantly yours it’s impossible to think anyone else would bear this” I tell pepole so often that they have to stop taking responsiblity for other’s lives and happiness because we are all responsible for our own, and it’s good advice I should take. We are better for others when we are better to ourselves.

One of the people I work with declare their years as “the year for _____ “and I’ve seen it work, so this is my year to manage myself I suppose.


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