My tongue is in my hand…

Take your pick

Posted on: January 10, 2009

You know, sometimes I can’t help it, I’m sitting right beside you in that truck, listening to whatever CD it is you have in that day. And just as quickly as I got there, I am not. Left with the wave of loss all over again.

If I had known that wasn’t how it was always going to be, this wasn’t the beginning, but this was it… Those were our moments. This wasn’t ours to keep, this wasn’t…maybe wasn’t even what I thought, or what you thought. You can never know.

So I guess I can pick.  What do you do with it?  I can’t imagine it’s a conversation we’ll ever have. There are just so many that we won’t have. And were you who I thought you were? Are you asking the same of me?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for anything I did along the way to leave you questioning. I meant it. I’m not perfect and I probably did things that hurt you or that weren’t in your best interest, but I was never ill intentioned, I was always loving you the best I could while navigating this life, even if it didn’t make sense. And I’ll just believe that of you too, because it hurts way too much to think otherwise.

So I guess that settles what to do with the memory, keep it soft, the hurt of the loss of you hurts less than the loss of the things between us, the things we were. If I can’t keep you, I’ll keep that.


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