My tongue is in my hand…

Everyone knows I’m in over my head, over my head…

Posted on: November 4, 2008

I had to cancel 4 people today, spent 3 hours in DSS, booked it from Marshville to Concord, stopping in Charlotte midway to get Natalie to take her to a doctor appointment for which I was 45 minutes late.  But I told them I couldn’t get there at four.  I kind of exaggerated “crisis”.  But I mean, I really had no choice.

Anyways, that’s appointments and time I’ve got to make up.  I’ve got a paper to re-do and a 12 page paper due next week.  I’m thinking of withdrawing, or something.  Maybe it was too soon to go to grad school.  Maybe I can’t do all this.  My reimbursements aren’t done yet for work.  My paperwork is still always late.  My temper is short with Natalie and I don’t play with her like I should.  Jason complains I don’t spend time with him.  I leave laundry in the dryer for a week.  Natalie’s room is a war zone.  I haven’t worked out in like a year.  My parents complain they never see me.  I’m still trying to keep our heads above water financially.  I don’t remember the last time I got 6 straight hours of sleep, not to mention 8.  Natalie doesn’t go down to sleep well or wakes up in the middle of the night a lot. I’m tired.  I stay up, hoping for time to myself and then to clean and do schoolwork and paperwork, but there’s not enough time.

And when I get that time, I just want to be, my motivation is basically non existent. I set my alarm early, but I can’t get up.  I wake up with dread or knots in my stomach sometimes.  I’m emotionally eating again.  And more often than not, when I do stay up late, I end up writing because that’s all I really want to do.  I want to create something.  I don’t want to give up school, but it seems to be the only thing I can give up.  The time I have during the day, between people for work is not conducive to school work or paper work because I have no laptop.  I call that time waiting for God, or meeting with God.  I use the shower as prayer time.  Sometimes I sing a hymn.

I’m sure my time is poorly organized and I could do everything better.  I could if I were different.  But I’m not different.  I’m very worried that I’m not capable.  And I hear “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” and I just cry and cry because I can’t see how I can do a 12 page paper…

Although, I am grateful for the little everyday kind of miracle I recieved today, and relieved.

So that’s something. A very huge something. And for provision.  I’m not so mad about provision now, I’ve kind of made my peace with it.

I wish I could go to bed a sleep and sleep and wake up, look around and sleep some more. I’m going to bed now.

And I’m grateful for friendship that moves like a tide between us, and all that does to make it seem like that’s really all that matters.


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