My tongue is in my hand…

Incongruent: seeking sunlight

Posted on: October 28, 2008

Sometimes I feel like every little act of “normal” life is a treason against my self.  And that the world moves too fast for me and demands too much.  That I am suffocated, drowning, completely incongruent.  That I am trying to distort myself to fit, to catch on and catch up.  But I just can’t.  I look at the sky or a book or a child and I become slower, more incongruent, more behind; but I am breathing again.  I am able to feel movement and life behind my eyes.

If my responsibilities were less, I would attempt less of a normal life.

In the mean time, as I said before, I want to be the girl in the sun.  Graceful, peaceful, free and grateful.  Not unharmed, but uncovered, recovered.  Appreciative of every morning, love filled each night.  Alive and sure, moving at a pace, perfect, not pressured. Mind’s eye resting on the long run, still able to function here. It took a lot for that girl to exist, free of fear, not because she hadn’t met fear or entertained fear, but because she had.  Because she clawed and prayed her way through the clenched throat terror, sure of the sun, wondering a million times “how long”? Reshaping her concepts and approaches along the way until she fit through the cavern and lay right there in the sun.

The world that moves too fast, that doesn’t fit, is fearful and in fear is so many other horrible things.

So the be the girl laying in the sunlight, I have to believe I can be.  I have to stop trying to fit to fear and start trying to fit my way through – to get to the sun.

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