My tongue is in my hand…

Sometimes, this is how I pray

Posted on: October 10, 2008

Dear God,

I’M TIRED. REALLY REALLY FALL APART TIRED. You know this already, but I just wanted it straight from my mouth to your ears.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of knots in my stomach and crying till I think I’ll throw up.  I’m tired of holding it together, me and everyone else and the life between it all.  I’m really goddamn fucking tired.  And you understand my need to drop those bombs.  Because I can’t punch a wall or go out with friends and get drunk or any other variety of vices.  I’ve got the Internet and caramel candy and a Harlequin novel with paper work hanging over my head, and house work, and school work, and…all the other stuff.  I’m tired of provision, so so tired. I want comfort. I want relief, I want a real, significant, gather my reserves back up break, I want to sit back and have it all just be all right, easy.  And I know how selfish that is.  I look so many forms of poverty in the face all the time and I know, even when there’s 5$ to my name that that’s more than so many have.  I have a house in a safe place that’s comfortable and pretty.  I have a beautiful, funny, sweet, healthy daughter who runs me ragged but says I love you and dances to Tom Petty before bed.  I have a job that I have a lot of problems with, but I don’t hate.  I share this home and daughter with a husband who goes to work even though he hates it and who plays with his daughter and doesn’t have a criminal record, substance abuse problem or other children with other women.  I have a college degree. I have opportunities and possibilities that are more available to me just because of the situation I was born into, regardless of what I see now was deficient.  I have a car that runs and I, one way or another, can put gas in that car to go places besides work and home.  I have some really good friends, some I’ve had a long time, and some new ones.  I have hope even in despair because I do believe that I am heard and loved and encompassed.  Even in my anger. Even in my fear. Even in my sadness.  Even in my wreckage.  Just in laying here before You, I am blessed with my belief because the option to breakdown here is the only reason I can manage to not breakdown out there.  I am broken.  I am open.  I am very, very tired.  I am grateful.  I am sorry.  I am waiting to feel your arms around me, your shoulder against my face, your hands in my hair.  I desperately seek your beauty.  I desperately seek your peace.  I can not do this on my own.  I will not.  I only rest when it is settled between us that You are not just propelling me, but fueling me.  I’m over it, I’m done. Done, done, done.  Today.  It’s everyday, I know.  Giving up everyday, seeking everyday.  I hope I get the hang of it soon, because, like I said, I’m tired.  Lord, in this honest and open place, I seek ability, strength,endurance , I seek relief.  I seek redemption from this worldly life that weighs me down and confuses me.  I seek harmony.  I seek joy.  I seek oneness. I love you. And love, the very core of love, the love I understand from You carries me through, through whatever movement is beyond this moment, because in this moment I am tired. Please move me gently, I’m not sturdy right now.

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1 Response to "Sometimes, this is how I pray"

Had gone through your words and wht i felt clearly is tht you have a pure and clear soul,though it had got tiny stains of the daily life bad worries and things and perhaps you r getting tht much upset by these stains of yours.Sure these need to be washed and can be but no one else but you can do tht,others may only help you.Start from today,and try to give your thoughts and fellings a new direction.You might fee it very hard but some how whn u will be able to take a turn towards tht new raod,things will be much easier but again its you who can do tht…..Put a big stop on the thinking tht you are tired coz u r not,it just feels tht way and like its said tht PAIN IS AN OPINION tht varies with person to person.A same type of wound may cause different levels of pain to different people,so stand up against this pain and use all the oceans of love tht are inside you to get off this fire of pain.I felt tht you are filled up with love,thr is need to archestrate tht….Work with your soul and i will help you.

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